personal statement one, for ms wexler

When I am tired and busy for weeks and weeks I dream over and over about my teeth falling out. The internet says that that indicates a sense of powerlessness, but I know it indicates a certain type of fear, the creeping kind that always gets at me when there are not enough hours in the day and I feel like I’m not getting anything accomplished. I always wake up shaking with my hands clawing at my mouth.

I hate when I try to say something beautiful and it just comes out as facts. I wish everything I said fell out like water on rocks and was beautiful but usually it isn’t.

After grad school I want to build wells in Africa for a year, then spend some time teaching kids in Namibia, then marry a man like Anatole and move back to America to teach college in Arizona or New Mexico until I’m old and deaf. If I’m successful, my campaigns for saving Africans and promoting proper grammar will outlive me.

In the summer of 2005, I got up at six in the morning to protest “Love in Action”—a program that tries to convert (mostly unwilling) gay teenagers to heterosexuality—because I know that God loves everyone.

My middle school principal said no when I tried to skip the eighth grade, but now that I am skipping the twelfth grade he is saying yes. If he had said no again I would have done it anyway because I hate high school and I don’t need it anymore. College is what I need now and I know that beyond any doubt. My friends pout and ask me why I’m leaving them, and I say, “because I have to.”

When I get letters from universities telling me about how exciting it must be for me to be beginning to think about college, I laugh. I have been thinking about college since the fourth grade and actively searching since seventh.

No one will ever love me because I have a huge head. That’s probably not true.

I can’t strike a match.

My fingernails are soft. I know the sign language for “secretary.” I taught myself how to make an omelette. Before I die, I want to play Little Red Riding Hood in Into the Woods. I can’t dance but I do anyway. I love yellow roses.

I’m trying to define myself for you, College, because I want you to know what I’m here for. I’m here to study creative writing because the only thing that I know I will always love is words. I’m here to study history so I don’t repeat the mistakes of my ancestors. I’m here to learn every language I can because the only way I can be happy is if I go everywhere.

I am here because every time a teacher tells me I’m being prepared for the real world, I know that either I’m already prepared, or I’m already there.

gifts

in no particular order...

college gave me 2 more k.
mr brown gave me his approval.
eileens mom gave me a pretty stellar recommendation.
amelia gave me hope for humanity (ie, to see her this summer)
ms wexler gave me a useless project.
my mom gave me a hint that could mean she is buying me a car.

letters

-i sent beth ryan an email letter asking her to write me a recommendation to counsel.
-i sent eileens mom an email letter telling her all the great things about myself so she'll write me a good recommendation to counsel.
-i got a big hefty letter from UE asking me to sign up for a meal plan and a dorm and summer orientation and to get a physical.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my housing application and meal plan form in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my summer orientation registration in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i found the letter i tried to send lakeshore with my counselor application in it muddy on the ground in my yard because the storm knocked it off the mailbox before the postman came.
-i completed the counselor application letter again and glued in my pastors muddy signature with an explanation and took it to the post office today.

on a different note, i need to call danielle, lora jean gowan, steve may, and ray chandler, and convince them that i am morally sound and well-rounded and responsible enough to counsel their camps. i also need to do three precal homeworks and correct my test, tell mr stephe whether truman was a war criminal, and take a shower.

six more weeks and then some responsibilities ill enjoy.
ideal summer schedule (* = confirmed):
may27-june2: counsel treehouse 1
june3-july6: governors school*
july8-july14: counsel jr high 2
july15-july21: counsel jr high music/drama
july22-july28: sr high treehouse*
july29-august4: counsel elementary 4
august15-august21: florida*
august23: COLLEGE*

i just got sent the letter i wrote myself at lakeshore last summer. it couldnt have come at a better time.

feet

today i got an envelope from evansville. is was very big. inside was a purple folder. inside that were several letters and documents, the first of which started with "congratulations!" and the second of which also started with "congratulations" but then went on to eventually say "academic scholarship worth $12,000.00 per year."

i have submitted my nonrefundable admission deposit, securing my place in the university of evansville freshman class.

this is for real.
this is confirmed.
this is big.

inches

evansville has received my application.

one tiny step closer.
every inch counts.

district/birthday/etc

speedweekend because i need to sleep

friday:
bbyd went to district
cast minus nathan and jenee plus annebel went to mpc
then the rope swing in the dark
then the spanish party
kristen and annebel came over to watch diego movies
sleep.

saturday:
they woke me up too early
they left
i cleaned my room
we won district
im in the top ten actors at district and so is most of the cast
ryan is number one (surprise)
i cleaned my room more
party city closes at 6 on saturdays
had my party and it was great
hattie martha newman and ryan stayed till two
morgan bekka and kristy spent the night
went to sleep.

sunday:
they woke me up too early
kristy and bekka left
morgan and i watched lost
she left
i tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to 300 with hattie
tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to the last ROME party
tried to do my dbq (failed)

going to bed now ill do it in the morning.

"Everything's Going So Well!"

today my mother had a meeting scheduled with mr brown, but no one told him about it, so when she got there he was gone. so instead, ms sowell came and took my mom to the 11th grade office and she met with sowell and ms kirkwood. now ms kirkwood i think is a pretty friendly lady. at any rate she is fond of me and hugged me when i got my psat score. not only that, but she hugged my mother at the end of their meeting and from that you can see where this is going.

my mother talked to them about what i am going to do and guess who graduated when she was sixteen? thats right, ms kirkwood. she said "when i was in school this wasnt an issue at all! i dont know why anyone as gifted as her would want to spend another year in high school." she gave my mother the number of the woman at the board to determine if my gov school english would be able to count, but ms kirkwood said probably that wouldnt be a problem.

it is fairly likely that ms sowell will be able to sign off all this stuff for me and that we wont have to talk to mr brown at all, thank god.

it is fairly likely that the application to the university of evansville which i will give to ms kirkwood tomorrow for completion will end up in the hands of the dean of admissions who will proceed to admit me there for the 2007-2008 school year and by the 2008-2009 school year at the latest offer me full tuition for national merit. thank you. thank you.

thank you. thank you, thank you thankyouthankyou.

finally everything is coming together. i have my ducks in a row. o please, please let this happen.

spring break 07

no one probably cares what i did over spring break but i am going to tell you anyway and if you choose to read it then good for you.

on friday i went to lunch with bekka, newman, morgan, and neimeyer. it was a little bit of a mess but eventually we all got to los compadres and had a good time. i had to go because i was unexpectedly going out of town.

friday afternoon i left with lauren reed and ms nancy for pangburn, arkansas, population 654, to relax for a few days. we played scrabble and spades and team scrabble and uno and ate ice cream and went fishing and sat in the sun. the fishing was terrifying; i always thought lauren was torturing the fish because she wouldnt hurry enough getting the hooks out of their mouths. if i had to fish for survival i dont know if i could do it. but in general it was nice and very refreshing to not have anything i really had to do for a few days. i came home on monday.

on tuesday, i think, i drove around a lot with kristen and annebel and then they came home with me and eventually lauren huddleston came over and i made omelettes (because that morning i asked morgan what was in an omelette and she said "milk, i think" and so i just figured it out.) we sort of made crafts and talked about the potluck the next day and were silly and good. at some point they went home.

wednesday was my birthday. i woke up and went to morgans and she gave me smore pies and then went to the scribbler meeting. i snuck into her house for a nap and when she got back we went to mpc and then charlotte russe and then back to her house where we watched part of the two towers and made two types of chicken for the primavera potluck and headed to the neimeyer house. i got a journal from eileen and flowers from martha and ryan and a lot of warm faces and good food. we all decided to be models and took lots and lots of pictures. when it was over morgan spent the night.

in the morning we watched lost and i took her home. when my mother got off work she took me out for presents: troy, the prestige, another dress, green converses with starry starry laces.

friday i got up and packed and my mother took me and annebel to evansville indiana and the university of evansville. i cannot say how good it was. i went back on bread and chocolate for 24 hours because i am allowed to do that three times during lent. the drive was complicated but not too long (five hours) and when we got there we snuck around for a while on campus without announcing ourselves. we got in through the back of the theatre and were on the stage when the stage manager came in and did not ask us to leave. instead she invited us to come watch rehearsal for the comedy of errors, so we went to eat and then came back for shakespeare. they were really, really good. molly holmes, assistant stage manager, introduced herself to us and talked to us about the school and harlaxton and the theatre and everything for a good while and gave me her email address for questions, and another girl gave us chocolate altoids. when we left we went and watched 300 on the imax and then came back to the hotel to sleep.

the next morning was the open house, which we expected to be very contrived and not very real but it was only a little contrived. we met the german professor, the chair of the english dept, the chair of the history dept, the theatre teacher, the dean of admissions, and everyone was just nice. the campus is reasonably small but not tiny and the city is like a smaller, cleaner, more german memphis, even with a river on the west end.

my mother had a meeting with admissions people and they said they are much more generous with scholarships for freshman than transfer students.
the dean of admissions said i should not have a problem getting in for 2007.
the scholarship booklet said national merit finalists get full tuition and semifinalists get 75% tuition.

i started my application on the drive home.

mr brown you will not stop me from getting out of white station and you will not stop me from getting my national merit. that is the key.

kristen and i are going to thirty-five states and no one else can come. sorry.

10,225 miles.
166.1 hours of driving.

(there are 168 hours in a week.)

important things that need to happen

[X] get accepted to the u of m evansville
[X] send the u of m evansville my stuff
[X] get money from the u of m evansville ($12k!)
[X] send gov school my stuff
[X] have a meeting with mr brown
[X] find out what i have to do this summer
[X] get recommendations to counsel
[X] not eat bread or chocolate (complete! success!)
[X] sign up for senior high wilderness
[X] sign up for writers retreat

ROAM Party

on friday it was eileens birthday. at 215 school ended and the ROAM party technically began. there was supposed to be no driving at all. that didnt happen. but there was a long period of not driving.

eileen, morgan, ryan, martha, newman, bekka, will gratz, wills roommate jordan, and i stood outside school for a while sort of trying to plan but came up with nothing. so eileen and will and jordan started walking down poplar, newman went to fullfill some obligation, martha and ryan dispersed, and bekka and morgan and i went to my house. i got some clothes and better walking shoes on and switched to a purse with a shoulder strap. then we went to morgans and she got ready, then to bekkas and she got ready. we called eileen who then informed us that, no, she was not going to come to the scribbler coffee house, but she and her entourage would meet us there when it was over. we thought about taking my car home and walking to school from there, but there wasnt quite enough time.

we headed toward school and when we were passing the black gate we decided to get some backyard burger, even though we werent exactly sure where it was. we found it though, and then went to school for scribbler. when i got up to the corner theatre i remembered i was supposed to give annebel a ride (i am so sorry annebel) so i rushed out and got her and came back. plenty of people were there, which was good. eileen and company did show up but spent the whole time in the art room. when it was over i saw annebel off and morgan, ryan, martha, and i hid our heads in our coats and did nothing at all in the east parking lot. nope, nothing at all. nothing.

i took morgan and ryan took martha to leave our cars at eudora where eileen, will, jordan, and bekka were, and we abandoned wheeled forms of transportation for a while. we set out at about 8 or 830 down poplar. we went to high point coffee and ryan was inside and bekka was outside and they had a battle through their reflections. then we walked to the oak court but on the way stopped at some particularly firm bushes. at oak court newman met us and everyone fought with these big plastic yellow covers they put over the concrete poles that show you where the driveways are. we tried to do some of the workshop exercises from good time speech but it didnt work out so well. from the mall we crossed to the botanic gardens and wandered around in a field for a while and made a few puns and started walking down southern, then in a ditch at overton(?) park, then down into that neighborhood by there toward andy harpers house. on the way we encountered a funny bridge in the making or the breaking, and we went into elokins house for a little while talking very quietly because there was a sleeping baby. harper lives about five houses down from there and we met him at his porch and asked if he could come with us but he couldnt, which was expected. we all left him and his friend and i think decided to take the bus back to morgans. we stopped at a mcdonalds for a while whereupon we decided it was really not that far to perkins, and therefore we should go. so we walked and walked up highland to perkins, but bekka and newman kept going and went all the way back to eudora to get his car. when they came back he drove me, ryan, eileen, and will to eudora to get our cars and then we all drove back to perkins to pick up the rest of everybody. eileen and company went together but the rest of us shook it up. martha came with me, bekka with ryan, morgan with newman, and we all went to morgans house at about 130 in the morning.

after a little while there, eileen and company went to sleep, and the rest of us "made skin so normal" and very slowly got very tired, conked out on the floor at about 530 or 6AM even though there were plenty of beds, which we moved into after a little while. we all got up at maybe 10, and martha devised a very complex plan to not go to the scribbler meeting, so she and ryan went to leave a key out for daniel williford and then met me, morgan, bekka, and newman at gibsons. (eileen, will, and jordan went to buns on the run.) i couldnt have any donuts because donuts are bread, so we drove all to marthas house and ryan made lots of eggs. we watched this very absurd documentary about a man who taught shakespeare to fifth grade mostly-asians, and im pretty sure he was the devil himself. "does anyone in your family have a problem with alcohol? what about a drug problem? okay, thats okay, its okay to have problems, we all have problems, i have problems. SOLVE THEM."

martha (and ryan too?) had to do english so after we played with her dogs we left back to morgans. newman had to go fullfill an obligation but bekka and morgan and i lounged around and ate popcorn and pecans and various things, and then we watched once more with feeling, and then the beginning of the last unicorn. mercer called and reminded me of the english project id been putting off all weekend and we decided we could get started without tabatha.

at about 630 i took bekka home who was feeling a little sick, and i went to mercers. we got started on english and ate moroccan chicken, which was pretty delicious, did a little more english and i got a little hysterical with the lack of sleep. we ate ice cream and did a little more english and went to bed far later than i preferred.

too early in the morning we had eggs and ice cream for breakfast, watched the beginning of the producers, and worked pretty steadily on english for a few hours. we basically finished other than typing it up. we did the whole thing without tabatha and i dont think anyone has a problem with that. i came home at maybe 2oclock and watched some of air force one with my brother and then retired to my chambers and here i am. i hope maybe i can hit up youth group tonight. we'll see.

The One-Act That Wouldn't Die

ladies and gentlemen,

bang bang youre dead is going to district in three weeks. thats right! its not over.

big and little

-my mother has a new big money job
-bang bang youre dead went so well (and might go to district? what?)
-i got a 31 on my ACT
-the u of m and the state of tennessee now have no choice but to give me all kinds of money
-its pushing nearer and nearer to my birthday
-its pushing nearer and nearer to writers retreat

the big things in my life are going so well. and some little things too, like discovering charlotte russe dresses for less than my life savings, and having herr strugis say i was a trooper. some of the little things are not so good, like my history test and my english project.

i wish i would get my acceptance from the u of m so i could be sure. im also kind of looking forward to the "heres 7500 dollars" letter. now i can finally get a meeting with herr brune to make him sign a form that says i can go to college. you are not stopping me this time mr brown.

need to study whyyyyyy?

weathers warming up
less than a month till spring

helpless doorknobs

was really great. mighty good show, all. really. and the night of improv contained various priceless moments as well, eg, "coach morgan no!" i took a few pictures and kind of a lot of video on annebels camera so hopefully i can get some access to those soon.

YOU GUYS
I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
BANG BANG YOURE DEAD
IS TOMORROW
WE WILL BE PERFORMING IT
IN TWENTY ONE HOURS
AND THAT IS NOT A LONG TIME

okay. freakout over.
kind of.

affirmation

• my friends are growing up.
• it is okay that my friends are growing up.
• i am growing up.
• it is okay that i am growing up.
• school is hard.
• but it will end soon.
• its all nice on ice all right.

(in other news, i have not heard from governors school since they sent me my acceptance. when should they be mailing me about anything?)

[EDIT wednesday morning: i got a big letter from them yesterday with class preference etc etc. good good.]

looking up

valentines day is dumb.

but my english project is done and i get to go have chocolate with annebel tonight. i switched to the new blogger and now i have a picture of the most beautiful oh oh oh.

my mother just got a new job

that-will-pay-probably-about-$13k-more-a-year-than-she-gets-now.

jaqueline was being such a big girl with her cup of tea looking out of the window

today was bad, o so bad. i woke up tireder (?) than usual and did my best to stay home but my mother said i had been out late the night before so i had no reason to stay home, which was true. the precal test was a disaster. the whole class cheated off each other but no one knew how to do it so it didnt help. in english we worked on writing our own APMC questions, which consisted mostly of amanda hamilton and i pulling out our hair and making frustrated noises. in latin i came the closest i have yet come to falling asleep in class. in APUS we had a pop-DBQ. jesus, i thought pop-essays were bad but this was a mess. economics was the most boring its been yet. i came home and sat at the television till five thirty and soon i have to do all those things i have to do.

but still, the weekend was good. i got up early saturday and took the ACT and had lunch with spencer, then for a while sat around, but i talked to bekka and we decided to rent angels in america. we have been trying to watch it for weeks. i told her we should drop by lenas party for a little bit and we did, but it was more fun than i expected. eileen newman martha and ryan were there and also eric and we ended up staying till about quarter to midnight, so we couldnt go to black lodge. thwarted again!

bekka spent the night (with no complaint from her parents!) and in the morning we had breakfast and she left and annebel came to use my computer. i found all my saddest clothes and took the dirt from my yard and put it all over me and darkened my eyes and wrapped my poorest looking baby doll up in a pillowcase and when annebel left i went to ryans house for the rome party with no shoes on. guest list: martha ryan newman bekka l-hudd k-ho hairston and michael. hobbit hobbit. hairston was rich and kristen was her slave. bekka and newman were whores. ryan was an animal tamer. i was poor and dirty. we watched two episodes of rome and kristen hairston and lauren left pretty soon. there was a lot of very good food. michael went home. martha gave us valentines candy (thank you). we went upstairs to the second living room and watched the man kill the gladiators and watched the senate kill caesar and watched the woman kill herself. martha went home and newman bekka and i kept saying we should leave and get out of the masson familys hair but we stayed until maybe 1030. i got home fully ready to be up into the wee hours doing homework but i just didnt. i was supposed to read kite runner and do two history homeworks and three precal homeworks but i didnt do any of those things. i went to sleep in a heap but it was a very good day.

proof that im a copy cat

eileen "missed" class on monday because of history.
i "missed" class on tuesday because of history.

eileen got a macbook.
i am getting a macbook.

eileen made a tent.
i made a tent.

sorry buddy. ill try to develop some original thought : )

(that smiley seems really out of place, but im gonna leave it. )

someone pull a miracle on me please

i just want to have some feeling that there is something waiting for me, you know?

WHAT BINDS A FABRIC TOGETHER WHEN THE RAGING SHIFTING WINDS OF CHANGE KEEP RIPPING AWAY?

my fingernails are as dirty as my hair and id love to go take a shower but i would feel guilty for putting off my work any longer, so naturally i put off my work by wasting away on this machine. i have this economics project. i have this history test. im supposed to read the bible or something for english. i dont know what my latin homework is and i dont intend to find out because either way i wont do it because why bother when i have a 101 average? what really matters is studying history and finishing econ, but really those things dont matter at all. theres really nothing to say that i havent said before other than why the hell dont i skip school? because i never have, thats the answer, and its a bad answer. what are the repercussions? nothing in german, very little in precal, ms wexler will love me a little less because every time you are absent she loves you a little less, nothing in latin, ill make up the history test, but in econ the project must be in or i get a zero. i mean, i could drop it off. where do you go when you skip school? the zoo is free tomorrow. hah! its too cold. im too chicken.

night time

i had a horrible dream, the night before last.

i dreamed i left town in an old van with three boys for a two week road trip, and i didnt tell my mother. i called her when we were already gone and left a message on her cell phone, "mom ill be home in two weeks," and that was all. on the road the three boys and i stopped at a hundred gas stations and never got anywhere, but we spent all our money buying useless things out of the little gas station stores. but the trip didnt take two weeks. it took five months, and when we were coming back finally it was just me and i was in my car. on the way home i stopped at a stop sign and saw my mother pass me in her car. i knew it was my mother but it was really hattie. she looked at me so scared and astonished. i realized suddenly she thought i was dead. she looked at me like i was a ghost, and i just kept driving.

it was so, so bad.

Final Decision:

YES.

I'm doing it.

hey, college. surprise.

okay, so. i really really like william and mary. like, a lot. alumni? thomas jefferson and jon stewart. and st johns is... not so much. it just doesnt have what i need. so, slightly adjusted top seven, alphabetically:

columbia college chicago (chicago IL)
university of evansville (evansville IN)
evergreen state college (olympia WA)
kenyon college (gambier OH)
macalester college (st paul MN)
reed college (portland OR)
college of william and mary (williamsburg VA)

g-willllllllllllll

zxdctfvygbuhnijm,rbmoytgibkrcfyhgvyutfvhbnjwrqtuhuoinfy i just asked george williford to prom. in front of hattie kristen kristy chris jesse andy michael.

me: dont you need a jacket or something? its january.
him: not really, i--
me: willyougotopromwithme?
him: --what? when even is prom?
me: i have no idea.
him: well okay. why not.

lifelifelifelifelifelife

basically i havent been home.

on the third at 4 i went to dreamgirls with annebel. it was so good. then i went straight to mercers late new years party by way of ikes for sparkling cider. we played charades and both teams put derek as a category. ridiculous. i spent the night up till 630 talking to lilla and got up at 10 on the fourth to rub my eyes and drink orange juice before bbyd rehearsal at eleven. it ended at "five," which means it ended at like two and we watched americas next top model for a while and then i took kristen home and had my first experience with hydroplaning [badbadbad]. i was home for about an hour when eileen called and said lets do something, so i picked her up and we went to otherlands. the french soda, o so good. everyone there always thinks it has perrier in it but it doesnt. then we got in the car and dorve around for a while, stopping at the idlewild playground and black lodge and ending up at morgans. brett was there and morgan and i in my car followed brett and eileen in his car to this place in south memphis to watch trains, but they didnt come. i didnt know where i was and it was discomforting so morgan and i left to go find our way back to her house. we got lost and spent ten minutes driving on lamar, but when we saw an inn and an exit we turned around and a car honked at me. we followed "brooks museum -->" signs to end up at liberty land and get back on union and went to morgans. i had a ridiculous salt craving and we talked about white station and watched roswell and passed out around 330. eileen and i (and everyone i guess) got up at ten again on the fifth [today], i took her home to do something and went home for nine minutes to stick my head under the shower and brush my teeth and all that, then went to bbyd rehearsal again, from which i just got home. now its now and im home but at about sixish im meeting the phive-n-phriends at the paradiso to probably go to dinner because larn is in town.

most of my exploits this week have been short of what youd call adventure, but they were all exciting and worth the time. everything i do should be worth the time. i am feelin good.

new years eve

had a party. it was gooooood.

hark! how the bells

today christmas was very good. no surprises. i asked for a digital camera, the second season of lost, something that would play my ipod in the car, and a ymca membership, and i got a digital camera, the second season of lost, something that will play my ipod in the car, a ymca membership, and a comforter to go in my duvet cover, plus candy. also, drew gave me harold and kumar and my grandmother came over for christmas for the first time in a lot of years that she has felt well enough to come. she gave me sixty dollars, which means that i can go to the bluff city ball on new years eve if anyone wants to go? i probably wont, but its nice to dream.

i like christmas a bunch.

is anyone having a new years eve party i can go to, or should i just plan one myself?

and im free! like the wind! like im gonna live forever!

yesterday was the last day of school. yesterday was the last day of school! yesterday morning i made Ultimate Sadness because i wanted to listen to hallelujah during exams, and i did. ms wexler never even suspected. on the way to class at 7.29 i saw everyone i know almost late too. i found out that my first love, chesley, goes to white station. he had a rat tail in kindergarten and he liked morgan and i was so jealous! he doesnt look the same. in government i took the exam very fast to get that shit over with, then i read harry potter five, the best one, for a while, then the class watched hercules, then the bell rang and it was over. in the parking lot michael neimeyer and i traded one earphone with each other and listened to huun-huur-tu and eye of the tiger at the same time. it was perfect.

bekka came home with me and we decided to bring back the meat pies for the holiday party, so we spent hours with loud music and frantic baking and piled the pies and some muffins and some gingerbread-man-shaped muffins into a big basket. i stuck my head under the shower and curled my hair and it was brilliant! and we headed off.

the neimeyer house is huge, first off, and i drove the whole way with my skirt caught in the car door. i got narnia chapstick in the white elephant swap, and soon the party moved to the upstairs of the neimeyer garage. everyone was everywhere! and we turned off the lights and everyone was somewhere else. there was breakdancing but no music.

too soon it was eleven and i drove bekka to my house where she was retrieved by her parents. in the car it was raining hard and it was dark and foggy in the windows and on poplar i was afraid. but we made it!

last night i dreamed i was trying to brush my teeth while driving, and i dreamed i was dancing in a line with lena and someone else and i was watching us in the reflection in a window, and i dreamed i was at camp and someone convinced me to climb a mountain. today i woke up to my dad hammering on my window-- he is putting up the christmas lights, which he didnt do last year. today we are going to decorate the tree. we put a blinky-nose rudolph on top every year, instead of a star. we call him rudy.





today i am supposed to maybe see eragon with annebel; we'll see how that goes. tomorrow is festivus. im very excited. christmas is very very close and i havent gotten morgan or eileen or my dad anything yet, but i will.

here is my to-do list for the break:
-get presents for morgan, eileen, dad
-learn my lines
-read wicked
-get the poisonwood bible
-clean my room
-have a lot of fun
-watch the lord of the rings extended versions
-finish artemis fowl two and read the third one
-read ten little indians or something else from my very full books-i-havent-read-yet shelf
-thats it.

you guys!

what if people had HANDS for EYES?

My history exam is over.

my semester average, based on actual mathematics:
[(93 + 95 + 91) * 2 + 86] / 7 = 92

my semester average, based on mr stephensons mathematics:
[(93 + 95 + 91) * 2 + 86] / 7 = 93

what a nice man.


aaron burr could be alan rickmans great great grandrelative.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

I just downloaded three different versions of Hallelujah and none of them is anywhere near Jeff Buckley's.

when my brother was a toddler he had little red suspenders.

last weekend i found the cedar chest full of my childhood. my green dress that i will give to my first daughter, the shirt from my first play, little hats and socks. this week was so bad, and so so long, everything that happened was bad, except rehearsal for bang bang youre dead. when i got in i was excited but i was expecting to be a little reluctant to get up and go rehearse, but everything is so good. when i think about the show i get the feeling behind my lungs like used to come when i read stories about myself. i look forward to getting up and going to rehearsal tomorrow and im sad we dont have another one after that till january 4th. today on the way home it was me ryan lauren josh and kristen all in laurens tiny car again, and i let ryan find out my secret through inductive reasoning, and he laughed hard, but i told him not to tell. we blocked the first 15 pages today and honestly i am thrilled about getting to use my talent for falling down dead convincingly that i havent been able to use since i was in the pit and the pendulum sometime in the 20th century. nathan ramia is 9th in his class and he is not stuck up. three life points for nathan. lauren fed us cheese and chocolate and diet coke. my favorite flower is a yellow rose because it is yellow and a rose. the window man at high point coffee has a birthmark under his right eye and he is charismatic. today we and hattie discussed how a nickel and a penny is the same as six pennies. hattie and i believe charisma is a very important attribute. last night i did precalculus for eight hours and slept for two hours.

tonight was the first rehearsal

for bang bang youre dead.

uhm. im pretty excited. about the show. and my role. and the cast. and everything. im emily, ryan is josh, hattie is jessie, jenee is katie, josh sigler is matt, nathan ramia is michael.

ALL
Hold the anchovies!

no but really. this is a serious show.

EMILY
Hope I didn't disappoint you in the cafeteria this morning. Hope I died just right for you, Josh.
JOSH
You didn't have to fall on me and get me all bloody.
EMILY
Want to see it again? --Go on. Shoot me again.

i dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyy...

when hope was high and life worrrth livinnnnng.
i dreamed that love would never diiiiiiiie
i dreamed that god would be forrrgivinnnnng.

no really.

last night i dreamed my house was set up like it was when i was five before we had a computer, and i got engaged to spencer on a whim, and i didnt really want to marry him, but i didnt say anything because i was excited about the prospect of engagement, and because it was several years till the wedding and i was hoping he would break it off sometime in the interval. one night i came home and my dad yelled at spencer because i didnt have my jacket on.

and i was playing rizzos understudy in grease at the time and i was terrified because it was understudy night and i didnt know the lines in sandra d and everyone just kept talking to me about the engagement and the stage was a combination of the white station stage and the overton stage and i went to sit behind the curtain to wait for my scene, and there was TONS of talking backstage so lilla (apparently to quell the noise) kept pulling the curtain open and i was so furious with her because she was ruining the show, and she said it was a totally respectable way to make people stop talking backstage, but everytime she did it there were fewer and fewer people in the audience until everyone and all the actors and everyone had left except me, lilla, ms regan, ryan, and newman.

so i freaked out and sat on the steps and i asked ryan if there was some bizarre theatre etiquette that would let lilla do that, and he said no way, but that ms regan was going to let ryan put the show on the next week at the pond at the middle school which was really grahamwood, it was just understood that it was the middle school, even though the pond was frozen and looked like a beach. he said that i could play rizzo because the girl who had the part didnt want to do the show anymore (it wasnt amanda tittle) because of what lilla did, and ryan was going to get brad jackson to play eugene.

i went outside the auditorium and it was this little old western town like in clint eastwood movies but a little less dusty and i was going to buy stationery for the wedding invitations and inside the store was a bunch of potato sacks and a ladder up to the loft, so i climbed up the ladder in this old timey gingham dress and then i woke up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is seventeen degrees outside.

The Last Unicorn

When the last eagle flies, over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars, at the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest, though she may be old and worn
They will stare--unbelieving--at the last unicorn

When the first breath of winter, through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north, and a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear the laughter, of the last unicorn

Im alive
Im alive

When the last moon is cast, over the last star of morning
And the future has passed, without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky, where through the clouds a path is torn
Look and see her, how she sparkles, its the last unicorn

Im alive
Im alive

that good weekend feeling goes away so fast

my homework for the week so far.

APUS test tomorrow, government test tomorrow
german project due wednesday
government project due thursday, latin test thursday
latin project due friday, government article due friday
ten chapters of as i lay dying every night
APUS homework, every night, until i die.

i have never wanted a snow day more in my whole life than i want one right now, and it is going to be mostly sunny for the next week and a half at least. cold, and sunny.

everybody knows

IT SUCKS TO GROW UP

and everybody does

friday - sunday

on friday annebel came home with me and we took a nap because gilmore girls didnt come on. thats about all we did. nothing with friends is very nice after a long week. we had pizza for dinner at like 845.

last night was my daddys sixtieth birthday party. there was a man there who looked just like max medina but older. he could have been maxs much older brother or just barely his dad. it was okay but everyone there was forty years older than me at least, so i invited hattie over. o, it was so nice. whatever has changed in hattie is so good. we spent hours and hours in my room sitting and talking about middle school and cracking up. we looked at every picture on my computer. we watched blood drips on newsies square. we read old fanfictions. i forgot that the party was going on right outside, and she stayed until 1 in the morning. i have missed her even though i see her every day in fifth and sixth. four hours of socialization without any distractions. we did not talk about homework or history or anything about school except how silly our teachers are.

today was/is spencers birthday. i went to bookstar to get as i lay dying, but they didnt have it so i got a new journal and a hot chocolate. then to davis kidd where they had several copies, and i also got 12 songs for spencer. that is one of the best albums i own. among my favorites of all time. i hope you enjoy it spencer. cory branan is my hero. then we went to see happy feet (again for me) and it was so cold even just on the walk from the car to the theatre, but the movie was good. we went to dinner at amerigo and it was pretty good. im very full.

thank god for this weekend. im going to do a little precal (maybe) and read something for latin and thats it. i dont have to write an essay. do you hear me?

i dont have to write an essay.

This almost says what I want it to, but not quite.

Letters About Literature.


Natalie Babbitt:

When I was ten years old, all I did was leave the fourth grade and come into the fifth grade. It’s not a very pivotal change, fourth to fifth grade. In fact, I think it is decidedly less important than most others. Coming into first grade is a huge step, as are starting fourth, sixth, and seventh. In eighth grade you are the oldest kids at the school, and you don’t get that again for a while. As I have learned so far, in high school every year is critical. The change into grades named with words instead of numbers; the change out of being a freshman; the move into the upper classes; and finally, seniority.

Among all the transitions in youth, fourth to fifth grade means next to nothing. Ten years old means next to nothing in the year 2000. Ten years old for me in 2000 is so unimportant, so nonessential, so lifeless, compared to ten years old in 1880. When I was ten years old I was fuming about wearing a uniform to school the next year.

When Winnie Foster was ten years old, she was making the decision between mortality and infinity. She was ten years old and falling in love with a beautiful boy who was ninety-four years her senior. How could Winnie have grasped the concept of so many years? Ninety-four years is probably longer than you or I will live, though we all want to be a hundred. I try to imagine how Winnie feels when she pours the bottle out on the toad, or how the fibers and ligaments in Jesse’s arms and hands strain when he hugs her during the storm, and I know that nothing I have ever felt can give me the experience to empathize with their pain and strength, but I can hear Jesse’s soft voice in Winnie’s ear, and I can feel the slant in the rain and the electricity in the air around them.

I have read about Jesse Tuck and Winnie Foster three times, and I have built my ideas of time and sacrifice on their experiences. I am very young as humans go, and I hope I live to be a hundred, but I know I won’t. I will maybe make eighty and that’s the end. Sixty-four years left.

But I have built my life out of stones, and some of them are huge, some don’t fit, and some are perfect. I have built my life out of rocks, and a few of them are the Tucks. I know they’ll never go because they’re stuck. The Tuck rocks are not just to fill in the spaces between boulders; they are foundations of walls. They are necessary to hold the rest of it up. They are my Atlas, holding up the fragile earth.

Recent studies have theorized that an asteroid that has been hanging around our solar system for a while could hit earth in about thirty-five years. If this huge rock hits our little planet, it could kill everyone, they say. But it couldn’t kill the Tucks. Nothing can. When the world ends, Natalie, when earth breaks apart and the atmosphere dissolves, what will become of Jesse? What will become of Miles, of Tuck and Mae? When the world cracks and fire rains down from the clouds and all the humans die, where will the Tucks be? I see them thrust out into space on an ocean evaporating behind their heels, torn apart like the continents below them, to live forever choking and freezing alone in the vast night, praying for some greater power to take mercy on them and let them die.

In the endless frozen darkness, how do the Tucks go on? Do they spend their days scratching at their icy limbs, tearing at their own eyes and necks in futile attempts at suicide? Or do they swim about in the thick nothingness, searching for each other, hopeful though there is no hope? In a thousand years Mae will force her eyes open and see Miles close enough to touch. In a thousand more years Jesse and Angus will see human-shaped shadows and become frantic and meet each other. When the last thousand has passed, they will be together again. The unbeatable Tucks will have all gone insane millennia ago, but their joy will defrost the tips of their fingers, and so they will brush against each other for months until their knuckles interlock and freeze. The chain of Tucks will wander the universe, minds long gone, for the rest of time. They are rocks. They cannot be broken.

Angus Tuck says you can’t have living without dying.

Whether it can be called living or not, I hope to exist like the Tucks. Hopeful though there is no hope.

Sara Stephens

poookokihu8otgdv (8:05:45 PM): LETS GO
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:05:57 PM): name the locale-- my bags are already packed.
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:23 PM): BERLIN
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:24 PM): NOW
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:26 PM): LETS GO
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:06:23 PM): ALRIGHT!
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:06:31 PM): kreuzberg!
poookokihu8otgdv (8:07:02 PM): COME ON
poookokihu8otgdv (8:07:06 PM): times a'wastin
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:08:35 PM): lemme call luftanza
poookokihu8otgdv (8:09:03 PM): okay!
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:09:52 PM): they say they've got two tickets in first class, but only if we're willing to share the cabin with stacy and clinton
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:09:55 PM): and not pay money
poookokihu8otgdv (8:10:28 PM): YESPLEASE

hack hack

this cough ive had since saturday has been different every day. saturday it was new, sunday it was wet and full and the worst. yesterday it kept me awake and made me taste dayquil for hours and hours. today a little of that hung over into morning, but now its just the sort of cough where you feel like youre not getting anything accomplished when you cough. its dry and heavy and it makes my chest hurt.

but looking up, ive been able to breathe through my nose almost all day. and at least i dont have scarlet fever. or frank mccourt disease like alex bransford does.

geschichte ist langweilig.

o tempora! o mores!

this week was short, and its a good thing too. i couldnt have handled much more. the two days were spent frantic and tired, moreso than usual.

today after school i went to schnucks with my mother and bought egg nog and turkey and chocolate chess pie. on the way home the radio was playing christmas music and i felt better for a little while.

but when i got home, drew was there, and so now i feel totally useless. the four hours i spent trying so hard to prepare him for his math test apparently meant nothing. it was like helen keller and anne sullivan, but without the epiphany at the water spigot. nothing got through, i guess.

he failed it.

im going to bed. dont wake me up, please.

Counselor Certification

= love.

eileen said it would be terrible but she was wrong. i spent a weekend getting exhausted and learning how to do something i want to do. i got to see danielle and troy and allyson and rachel ross and sing river of life till my legs ached and ached. i have accomplished something pretty cool, and i have a new shirt to prove it.

CERTIFIED CAMP COUNSELOR.

yes.

today i spent two hours tutoring my brother in math. he is in college. he cant take any more courses in college until he passes this class. he cant understand how to add negatives. i am so afraid that he will fail it and give up and drop out and be like my mother but never go back like she did. i love my brother and i want him to be okay and graduate. he is not a student; he was not made to take tests. i was. he was made to make things. to make people laugh and clap and to make theatre happen, but hes gotten out of theatre and all he wants is to pass this class and finish college and just be doing okay and be independent. i am doing all i can but there is too much to teach and too little time and the wrong brain. i need more time. i cant believe im worried about anything when my brother has so much to worry about, just passing college, and his rent, and a job, and interviewing for another job, and the heat in his house not working. i will help him and it will be okay. he will graduate and i know he will be okay.

i cant believe i was so upset that ms wexler gave me an 88. whats so bad? i mean, im a little upset because she didnt grade the frederick douglass test, and because we dont really get papers back in there, but i deserved an 88. i didnt read the sun also rises, so i failed the test, so i got a B. plus, its AP. how can i be flustered over an 88 in AP when my brother passed standard math in high school with Ds and he is struggling so hard in hope of the distant possibility he will get over a 60?

we take life too seriously at white station. why should the effect of one test make me want to throw a chair through ms wexlers window? why cant we get out of this life of numbers and capital letters and listen to what is important? words and actions and feelings and dizziness. all of this is what we should be studying. lets study literature, ms wexler, not memorize events in the pages of books. lets learn to be thankful for our minds and not misuse them by fretting over little things like an 88 or by copying words from a powerpoint about proprietary colonies and the three parts of the constitution. lets learn something useful for the betterment of our minds, not for the betterment of our test scores.

i know i will never be able to live that way.

i was made to take tests and i cant stop caring about them. but i have acheived this: i have an 88 in AP english and that is okay. i will make up for it. i will be okay. it is not going to kill me. it is not okay to throw GPA to the wind and let my grades go to hell for the sake of an experience, but it is okay to get a B sometimes. college will understand. my friends will still love me. i will still love me.

Help?

i need to cut ninety-three words from North Dakota for my gov school application and it still needs to be the best thing ive ever written. suggestions?

[EDIT: i got it down to 363. i cant bear to cut it any more. governors school will just have to deal with 63 extra words.]

Who are you, Kelly Green, with your head between your knees?

kelly green sold out tonight.

SOLD.

OUT.

do you understand?

i dont.

Morgan's Birthday is in a Few Hours

so, in celebration, here is the poem i wrote her in ninth grade.

For My Friend Morgan, Who When We Were
five
or six hid with me in my treehouse
to escape a robot dressed up
as her sister
by my brother
in pillowcases
and laughed without making a sound.
Who when we were five
taught me how to really appreciate the glory that is Hanson
without ever hearing their music.
Who watched with me the same stupid movie every day
so we wouldn't upset the characters.
Who for four years
didn't see me once,
but managed to still love me when we were nine
or ten.

For my friend Morgan who when we were
nine or ten
read Tolkien with her dad because someone was making a movie
and showed me that a Beatle is not a bug or a car
but a god.
Who told me secrets, like
how she was really older, and
Who built dollhouses with shoeboxes
and made her own dolls for them
better than any doll or house in a store
and sweeter for the effort.
Who played with me at lunch
the same stupid games every day
because I loved them.

For my friend Morgan who when we were
fourteen and fifteen
stayed up until tomorrow
with caffeine and cookies and me
to talk into a computer mic over and over and over
so it would be perfect,
and who covered her room from floor to ceiling
with pictures
like the sun, and couples, and her friends,
and a lonely plum
because it helps her blend in
to be surrounded by beautiful things.
Who taught me that "hate" is a pretty strong word,
and that sometimes it's not a sin to change your mind
and that claiming two celebrities as my own isn't fair
and that All You Need Is Love.

For my friend Morgan who, now we are both fifteen,
bought me a yellow rose on my birthday
and slyly kidnapped me with a bomb
disguised as a cake.
Who listens to the same stupid complaints every day
even when I exaggerate
because Lord knows,
I love talking
and she loves me.

a very long paragraph

yesterday in the afternoon, at the end of the afternoon, right before it becomes night and the light from outside the window is grey and blue, i read some of martha parks web journal and i was overwhelmed by it. we have only been friends for a very short time but i think she is one of the most phenomenal human beings i have ever met. i wish she were happier. i wish everyone were happier. on the way to kelly green it was raining and i listened to josh groban and i cried all the way there, i dont know why. i couldnt see out the rear window and the rain was everywhere and i was so afraid, of the rain, the window, the play, my lines, my legs, high school, everything below my skin. there is something wrong with me this fall and i wish someone would tell me what it was so i could fix it. maybe when fall ends and it is really winter it will go away. maybe it will stay forever like the scratches on my knees. i need to get out of highschool and do something frivolous and exhausting. i need to be sleepless and kiss a boy or smoke some pot or get very very drunk but i know i wont do any of those things because i am afraid of all of them. i hate alcohol and im not ready to screw myself up with drugs and there are no boys who want to kiss me. i will have to be content with being sleepless. kelly green was a tornado last night and everybody loved it, i loved it. we got through and after curtain call i danced to where is the love even though i hate dancing because at the momos ball sean hines told me i looked stupid and i wanted to kick him and break his bones. we went to ihop and i sat across from ryan masson and shared my pancakes with strawberry syrup. i always knew he was beautiful but i am so glad he did kelly green because if he hadnt i would never have known what he is like in real life. what would happen if i stopped doing everything? if i stopped going to school and doing homework and eating, and just went to ihop with my friends and laughed? if i stopped eating and found a field to run through and found a pen to write with and found a play to act in? if i never eat again, then will you love me? i dont know who i am or what i believe, but i know that i am happy when it is late and i am laughing and talking. i went to sarah mercers house and it was so nice to sleep in her bed because she is comfortable sleeping in contact with me, with my elbow on her arm and her leg touching my hip. i love human contact and i want to always feel someone elses body touching mine. im not implying what a teenager would infer. i love holding hands and hugging people and wrapping my arms around shoulders and feeling human hands in my hair.

production week

morgan and eileen,

i dont know how you do it. "i am stretched to the breaking point over all this!" you are doing so much more stuff than i am and getting so much less sleep and you are still going going going. you guys are my heroes. you surpass me at all times. try to get some sleep.

--sara

Dear Savannah Self,

WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE THAT A MAN CANNOT MARRY THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IF IT IS ANOTHER MAN?

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT THE BIBLE HAS THE POWER TO CONTROL THE LAWS OF THIS DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY, EVEN WHEN THEY GO SO FAR AS TO DENY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THE FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS GRANTED TO THEM IN THE VERY FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE US CONSTITUTION, WRITTEN TO GUARANTEE EVERY HUMAN HIS INALIENABLE CIVIL LIBERTIES?

WHO ARE YOU TO DENY SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?

WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

WHO ARE YOU TO INSIST THAT MORGAN JON FOX, ANDREW GARNER, OR BROCK TERWILLIGER IS LESS WORTHY OF MARRIAGE THAN YOU OR ME?

GET OUT OF MY FACE, SAVANNAH SELF. YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO ANYONE, AND YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS ARE SO CONTRADICTORY, I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF EVERY DAY. JUDGE NOT, SAVANNAH SELF, LEST YE BE JUDGED.

I CANT GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD THAT WHEN YOU DIE AND SKIP UP TO THE PEARLY GATES UNCONCERNED, SAINT PETER WILL LOOK UP YOUR NAME IN HIS BOOK AND SAY, "SAVANNAH SELF? OH, IM SORRY, YOU ARE INTOLERANT, JUDGMENTAL, HYPOCRITICAL, AND UNFAIR. YOUR ROOM IS DOWNSTAIRS."

REGARDS,
SARA

'Neath the shadow of the PSAT I am bound to write something like this.

so, the PSAT is tomorrow. the pea-ess-ay-tea. the pssatt. actually its the PSAT/NMSQT. that is, the preliminary scholastic aptitude test / national merit scholarship qualifying test. the difference between the sat and the psat is such: the sat i can take again. the psat, this time, tomorrow morning, means i either get a 215+ and get national merit qualified, or i get a 214- and i dont. its that simple. no getting around it. and im worried. why? because i dont know how to do math, thats why.

in other news, i was wrong, autumn. i dont like you. you lead to winter and as soon as its not hot every day this "condition" comes back. and i hate it. and its your fault, autumn. fall. i will have to cut my fingernails short soon and keep them that way till april at least. you suck, autumn. we are no longer friends.

the psat people say the most important thing is to get a good nights sleep.

good night.

Jonathan Edwards Style HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE Sermon about WSHS for AP English

(to be read in your best GOD WILL SMITE YOU voice.)

HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!

In the beginning, God created the classroom and the hall, but over the years, this holy sanctuary has been infiltrated by you, the disciples of Satan, whose foul feet blemish the wrong side of the hall and hobble through the incorrect door—into the gates of hell, as slowly as if Lucifer's demons themselves clung to your ankles, grabbing maliciously at your hems and jerking your britches tantalizingly low. You Devil's children do wholeheartedly invoke the wrath of almighty God with your evil deeds, calling the Savior to rain down his fury upon your unworthy heads.
God's wrath is as horrifying as Mr. Brown scurrying down the checkered hallway with the walk of expulsion, chanting, "It WAS going to be an awesome, awesome day, White Station," in a soft voice. He will soon grasp your belt, point a finger to the sky, and proclaim, "To infinity, and beyond!" before dragging you off by your ear to the pits of hell, or actually just ISS in the auditorium lobby. There, you shall spend an eternity in silence and grief, woefully scribbling the decrees of that Ol' Deluder on stones with your own blood.

Wish you to avoid this fate and walk in the light of God? Nay, though you howl and cry, your screams are lies, hiding your sins. Upon leaving this congregation, the multitudes of you shall enter the halls and damn yourselves without delay with your tongues shouting meaningless obscenities between classes. For this you shall be punished by having your mouth washed out with soap for a thousand millennia in hell. Your stumblings through the corridor in linear groups of five and six will gain you forty lifetimes of waiting behind Mr. T., the Rock, and the Governator in line for the bathroom. Endless detention awaits those who dishonor themselves by skipping class to smoke in the halls, the parking lot, or the gym, whether senior or east!

The eye of God is upon you when you sit to fill your bellies with strange meats and vegetables. Ne'er shall more than eight bodies populate a single table, nor trash be left beyond the Bell, nor neither food nor any other item be thrown across the room, lest the guilty party wish to spend all the days of the earth scraping gum from 'neath the very desk of Satan himself.

In the classroom, ye masses who borrow pencils, pens, quills, hair ties, or erasers must return them post haste, for to borrow without returning is to steal, and Almighty God thinks no more of a thief than of a murderer or a gnat. Ye filthy masses beg for hell whene'er you demand the blessing of paper whilst you have your own. This offense deserves and shall receive no less castigation than a paper cut every hour 'til Judgment Day.

If you should think you have some escape from hellfire, consider yourselves should you daily mount your metal monsters to drive to this once sacred place. Should ye dare not park betwixt the saintly white lines so graciously provided you by your God in heaven whom you have forsaken, he will forsake you in turn, leaving you to die a thousand deaths by rogue football to the throat. You who selfishly refuse to let others in the line to journey home after the final Bell, you who with windows down play repetitive and inarticulate music at maximum volume, seek ye NOT the kingdom of God—there is no hope for you in escaping damnation, for you are but scum in the eyes of the Lord.

Listen, children, for you who stand on the edge of the bowels of hell have only one chance to turn around and enter the Up Only Staircase toward heaven—immediate repentance and immediate reform. RESPECT your fellow heathens: lighten your attitudes, for he whose outlook is hellishly low shall soon join his mind in the unceasing fire. RESPECT your education by abstaining from that abominable breach of trust known as cheating. RESPECT your peers' personal space—never lower yourself to the barbaric acts of disrespect of poking, pulling, and the grabbing of others' backsides, especially if you do not know them. RESPECT those who excel in their studies and the grades they earn for their toils. RESPECT your instructors' right to instruct class, RESPECT your classmates' right to arrive in class on time, and finally, RESPECT MY FRESH.

Amen.

i went to florida

my gay great aunt kitty's rude life partner madge thinks my name is katharine.


put ya stunna shades on.


the waves crash on the sand, there's a storm that will break any second.


my feet, drews feet, the ocean.


i like my family. dad mom drew.


"what the hell was that?"


this sunset was about eighteen thousand times greater in real life than it is in this picture.

and finally...


the rock should win an oscar for his stunning job in DOOM, the greatest movie ever to exist, in which he costars with eomer and they have very big guns.

hi.

mr williams just cancelled novus forever.

It feels so good to go to a school that makes me feel so safe and comfortable every day.

me: *walks toward class with morgan*
scary kid: *pokes me (hard) and points at his friend* he say he wanna get with you.
me: thats fabulous *continues walking*
scary kids friend: i heard you suck dick!
morgan: (o my god!)
me: *speeds up, approaches andrew lu* andrew, you see that group of boys behind me?
andrew: yeah
me: would you mind going over there and beating them up?
andrew: sorry, im pretty sure they could take me.


i hate this place.

im aware it should be IMpure.

gentleness is everywhere.
fear is in your head--
only in your head
so forget your head
and youll be free

the writings on the wall
freeeeeeee and you can do it all
if you choose.
just remember
lovers never lose
cause they are free of thoughts unpure
and of thoughts unkind.

gentleness clears the soul
love will clear your mind
and make you freeeeeeee

--David Bowie
(makes life okay)

das Wochenende!

today is friday. today is friday! thank god. i am feeling a little better about my life. today had a few horrible things, but it was mostly way better.

BAD

• got assigned two projects that are due on the same day
• for lunch i had a cookie and three aspirins that only served to move me from just in pain to in pain and disoriented.
• we got assigned a dbq essay in APUS that i just know is going to SUCK.
• mr e still doesnt understand that the up stairwell and the down stairwell do not apply after school and continues to force me to go eighteen miles out of my way to get to my locker at the time of day when i feel least like moving.

however!

GOOD

• german quiz went fabulously
• precal homework wasnt due (i havent done it) and i got back a 72 out of 72 on that stupid homework on domain and range.
• ms wexler now loves me. (we were talking about foreign language night at the football game and i said if i went i would be in a toga with a german sign, and ms wexler was like, "what?" and i told her i was taking german and latin. she said that was great and asked if i was going to major in foreign language. i said i might minor in it but i was going to major in english because i wanted to be an english professor. because i do. she goes, "thats great!" and BEAMS for about three seconds. which is a long time for a beam.)
• got back three 100 test scores in wexler too. yay summer work saving me from the scarlet letter test on which i most certainly did not succeed
• presented my latin project (done in about an hour last night), and ms lafon adored it because she loves me and everything else in the world.
• presented government project too with katie parry and carlizzle. we got a 300 points to divide up and carlisle gave himself a 90 so katie and i could get 105s because he felt like he didnt do anything. how freakin chivalrous is that?

so again, im feeling better. and im going to apply for the memphis in may exchange program. 15 kids get to go to spain in march for like 10 days for free. if i get it ill be in spain on my 17th birthday. that would be the greatest ever. like seriously.

i think tonight i might get some of my not-too-hard but tedious homework done. i have to make a family tree in german and that precal worksheet. maybe ill work on my essay rewrite for wexler. who knows! exciting.

also, "we need to be a learning environment that is conducive to learning." --mr brown

jetzt es ist das wochenende! spitze!

Blogging again

scarlet letter test tomorrow.

im on about page eleven.
have to read for APUS.
some german.
precal? i dont even know.

latin project due friday.
have i started? no.
am i going to start tonight? no.

in my ideal tonight, i take a shower, eat spaghetti, start wicked (again), drive to geekers, watch swing kids, and go to bed at 930. in my real tonight i print and read and study the scarlet letter sparknotes, make a mad attempt to absorb whatever im reading for APUS, do german, forget precal, and go to bed at probably 1130. no, ill be in bed by 11. ill find a way.

last night i fell asleep on the crucible sparknotes. i didnt read that either. i woke up at 1250 and frantically tried to finish them, but i couldnt keep the words from moving around and jumbling themselves, so i gave up. i forgot to close my highlighter and now on my sheets there are about eight big round yellow highlighter stains, like yellow lights telling me to slow down. that is a bad simile but that is what i was thinking at 630 this morning frantically trying to finish them again. i finished in third period.

yesterday there was a roach about six inches away from me next to my locker and i had to get a freshman to kill it because im a sissy.
me: AH! ...excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to step on that for me?
freshman boy: sure.
cockroach: *crunch*
me: thanks very much.

there are ants in my locker. i find one in a textbook once or twice a week. theyre reddish brown and very small. they are probably harmless. but they have no business being in my locker.

this weekend, i would like to go see a movie.

mandy moore cannot hit the notes in this recording of suddenly seymour to which i am listening right now. adam pascal, conversely, sounds wonderful.

today we had a pop-essay in APUS.
thats sort of like a pop-quiz, except we sort of had some idea it was coming. and its an essay.

i dont really know what im getting at here.

Someday soon we will get a day off from school and I'll stop sounding like I need to be on antidepressants.

i feel like i never move.
all day i go up and down stairs and into and out of classrooms
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the first floor
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the second floor
i go to the third floor.

all day i walk and sit and listen and scribble like the mad hatter
and in the afternoon i walk into and out of parking lots
into and out of my bedroom
into and out of the kitchen
and still i feel like i never move.
every time i stand up it is to get to a place where i will sit down and scribble
like the mad hatter
mad scribbler
mad mad mad
words on paper.

i never move and i am always tired.
i get up and im tired
walk up and down stairs tired
go home tired
scribble at home tired
go to sleep tired (eventually)
and i get up and im tired.

i am tired of walking up and down stairs and never moving and always being tired.
i am tired of writing my name on my paper
i am tired
of my hips and my arms and my stomach
all feeling the same between my thumb and pointer finger.
i am tired of raising my hand
touching my face
tying my shoes
sliding down
pulling my hair
curling my toes.

i intend to jump and breathe at the same time
i intend to sleep until i wake up
not until i am woken up
i intend to be beautiful, fabulous, talented
i intend to be walking up and down stairs for ten more years, at least.
all that matters is that i sleep
(and i will
but when i wake up
i will still be tired)

Junior Year

poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:40 PM): still havent started my govt project
Ho Swansea (8:27:45 PM): hahah me neither
Ho Swansea (8:27:52 PM): but guess what happened today
poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:58 PM): what happened?
Ho Swansea (8:28:24 PM): I started crying during the trailer for angels in the outfield at the part where they all flap their arms like wings
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:34 PM): OMG
Ho Swansea (8:28:42 PM): kjhadashgjhd
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:45 PM): freaking yesterday i cried during sister act.
Ho Swansea (8:28:49 PM): s,jfhsdkfhskjfh
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:17 PM): you know, cause the little nun was like, "SERAPHIIIIIM!"
Ho Swansea (8:29:39 PM): aw; ujaslkdja
Ho Swansea (8:29:49 PM): brett cried during the goofy movie
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:54 PM): aldebskjgbaelbwrklj
Ho Swansea (8:30:22 PM): morgan cried during it's a hard knock life
poookokihu8otgdv (8:30:43 PM): what is our collective damage?
Ho Swansea (8:31:30 PM): I have no idea
Ho Swansea (8:31:32 PM): junior year
poookokihu8otgdv (8:31:43 PM): has got the best of us

Destruction Part Two: Daytime

eileen and i went back this afternoon. here're the pictures i got.


costumes.


its weird that i remember a garbage can i havent seen in four years.


i hate heavy machinery.


the sky is so pretty.


there were probably 100 little cards with owls.


eileen is amazing.


it can fold a door in half.

eileens are here. i am still really upset. i havent even started my homework. what a piece of work.

They Tore Down the Theatre

the lucille ewing childrens theatre. ewings. ct. the theatre.

my theatre.
they tore it down.

in summer 2003 straight line winds knocked an enormous hole in its roof. four months later, they covered the hole with a tarp. it blew off.

three years later, they tore it down. what was once my first home away from home (even before lakeshore, there was the theatre) is now a series of mounds. of dirt and metal. wood, chairs, doors. debris.

i used to spend entire days there. sundays. a morning show, a sack lunch, an afternoon show. i used to spend afternoons there. three afternoons a week almost every week for six years. i played thorin, an egg, the artful dodger, half a copy machine. and what now? a series of piles of dirt and metal.

when they tore it down i was singing. i didnt know. i wasnt there. i was singing in a basement. i should have known to stop. i left and went immediately to the theatre. there was a fence up. i ignored it. trespassing doesnt count when the rubble was your first home away from home. i took pictures. tomorrow ill take more, in the light of day.

So hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on
and on
and on

the perpetrator, monster, murderer.


children theatre. no s.


horror movie roller coaster: foundations, supports.


a door that used to lead to the reception room. now to the ground.


this chair was always broken, but it was never that broken. i took it.


backstage sink.


the end.

Principal Terry Brown, Master Public Speaker

"we had a good time with you in the halls yesterday."

God Hates Ryan Masson's Face

but no one else does.

today was the first rehearsal for who is kelly green. and it was really good. it is going to be a good show and has a good cast, all sorts of people i like. andy harper, dunkan, newman, ryan masson, hairston, anna talley (who is at this point not in the show), of course morgan and eileen, kenny, kevon, and lots of OOV people who are cool. this is sounding really boring. im boring. ryan newman dunkan hairston a-tall and i went to hueys and afterwards loitered in the parking lot for a really long time. that sentence needed a lot of commas that it did not have.

ive been sick but im getting better. hooray for sunny d having 130% vitamin c per serving. that is so much vitamin c.

i basically sliced open my thumb trying to cut this really good ciabatta bread that has a very strong crust. it hurt.

im going to go find some chocolate, because i am an addict.

too bad this was really boring.

one of the worst things in the world

is the dry heaves. ew. ew. ew. they make me feel gross.

i guess im getting sick. dammit.