31 December 2007

Two Thousand Eight is a Big Number

Looking back at my goals for 2007, which are not posted here, I think I did an okay job. There were fifteen and I'm satisfied with my progress on ten of them. This year, I'll simplify, because enough is complicated already. For 2008:

--Be more of a lady.
--Save money to see my friends.
--Make 2008 worth the pain.
--Be healthy.
--Love people.

I think I can do those things. 2008 is a kind of a big deal. The plan is this. In January I say goodbye for real for a long time. In February it's cold. In March I see Amelia if I'm lucky, and turn eighteen. In April, at the end of it, God willing, maybe I get to say hello again. In May I take exams and love Memphis. In the summer, in an ideal universe, I go to Atlanta, Dallas, Evansville, Lakeshore, Nashville, and Vincennes, and all those places come to me. In August I prepare. In September I go to England. In October and November I go everywhere I can. In December I come home. It's going to be fast and terrifying, but with the effort I'm going to put in, it's going to be worth it. I'll be ready.

25 December 2007

And I don't know how
but the closest friends I've ever known
are all inside
singing together.


(I wish.)

I miss you all. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Merry Christmas, darlings.

18 December 2007

i cant pretend this is okay anymore. this faux optimism is such a lie. the truth: ITS NOT OKAY. you cant just leave me okay? you cant. dont. please. please. stay. its not okay. im not okay.

03 December 2007

Explanation

I haven't had much to write here because I tell every detail I can remember of every day to Annebel in very long emails, and I write letters. Everything I have to say sounds better in a letter. Maybe I am not a poet but a letter writer. That's okay with me, I think.

For those of you who love me, so do I. College is hard and I am busy and stressed and never have any time and procrastinate anyway--but I love it. There is good here and I have found it, and even with all the good that is about to leave me way, way too soon, there is enough staying behind to keep College wonderful. I'm just a girl.

27 November 2007

Thanksgiving, From Emails to Annebel

--Tuesday: Josh Sigler and Kristen and CK's, we met Lauren Huddleston and Nick and Lena, I ate a waffle, it was delicious, I took Josh home, Kristen and I sat in my bed talking about boys and college for a little while, I took her home, I went to sleep.

--Wednesday: I awoke to your call (what better way?), it was your birthday, I took you to Harbortown and we took pictures for real, I had to go to the dentist, we got Kristen and cheesecake, you didn't buy that dress at American Apparel, the sky got real scary, we went to Kroger for tortellini and you and Kristen tormented me when I had nowhere to run, we made food and had a Zac Efron sandwich on hot foreign boy bread, we went to sleep.

--Thursday: I took Kristen home, I took you home, I made mashed taters, it was Thanksgiving. I called Spencer's mom to ask if she still had any shirts from Guy's Tuxedos, which she used to own and was my brother's first job and also my mom worked there for a few years, and she said she'd look. I was planning an excellent gift. She and Spencer and his brother Jason came over for food, she brought me the shirt, we ate and Spencer and I saw August Rush, which was great, then went by his house, which was boring, then I came home. I went to Martha's and we all made warrior costumes (See my most recent album on FB. In fact, look at all of those pictures because they are all great, not just the ones you're in.), we attacked Ryan's house, we went to a playground, picked up Jack Katze, went to CK's, I had a waffle, I went home.

--Friday: Eileen, Martha, Ryan, and eventually Eric Neimeyer went to Ms. Kitts' house to make cookies and had a wonderful time. We cooked and played the instruments and spent several hours enjoying the fine company. I took Eileen to Morgan Fox's house so she could go to RENT. I got my Morgan and we went to the Neimeyer potluck and ate a lot of food, played team Scrabble and foreign team scrabble, experimented with the flash on my and Hattie's camera. Morgan and I went to Eileen's to sleep.

--Saturday: We got up and played with Mia (Eileen's sister who is almost four), tried to take her to lunch but didn't have time so we took her home and went to Brother Juniper's, where I had a waffle, which makes three total. I took a very fast shower and got you and we saw Dan in Real Life and got Starbucks and you got mad at me for being too sarcastic to your friends but I really did like them. I took you home. I ate Chinese food and went to the Nathan and Jesse household for a while, saw them and Lauren Strange and Ryan and Martha and Cole Reeves, got my clothes smelling like fire, hugged everyone, got Lena, and went to Mercer and Lilla's birthday party, which was fun. After it I took Lena home, but she and I sat in her driveway for an hour talking. She is a lot smarter than people think and I think she has a lot figured out about life. She told me a lot of good stuff that I am considering if the opportunity arises. I thanked her and went home, packed, slept.

--Sunday: I woke up, we drove back, it rained the whole way, mom and I played Remember Facts About My Friends, I was at college.

16 November 2007

Stones
taught me to fly
Love
taught me to cry
So come on, courage,
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall

05 November 2007

My Schedule, Once Again, is Delightful

MWF
10-1050: German 112, Elementary German II (Meredig)
12-1250: World Cultures 120H, Emergence of the Modern World (Unknown Professor, but if it's Brian Ernsting I will stand up and leave the moment he walks in the room.)
2-250: Writing 205, Intro to Imaginative Writing (Bone)

TTh
930-1045: Lit 242, Major American Writers II (Brown)
11-1215: History 341, Colonial America 1607-1774 (Gahan)

Please note:

Writing 205 from Paul Bone, history from Maria's dad, no classes at 8AM, lots of awesomeness, and oh yeah, I'll be living on the third floor with Chelsea. So, I have established, even though five (or maybe six) of my eight dearest friends will be gone (Maria, Jennifer, Kelly, Guy, Alex, and maybe Kent), next semester might be okay.

02 November 2007

There was a time

about forty-five minutes ago, when for maybe four minutes, i was thinking about lakeshore next summer, and my world cultures paper that is due in less than nine hours was completely out of my thoughts. and it was wonderful.

update: i had a panic attack. my morning was horrible, but tonight i felt pretty for the first time in years.

21 October 2007

Die Leben Einschätzung Zwei

so a little over a year ago i did a life assessment and i decided it would be a terrific idea to do it again.
  • i love college. i love college. i love love love love love love college.

  • a lot of the things that were true in august 2006 are still true in october 2007. but some of them are not. for example, the next eight bullets:
  • i dont have to want college now because i have it. it is all i thought it would be and i am so happy.
  • it doesnt matter that i am no good at math because i never have to take it again and i am so happy.
  • mr brown no longer makes me want to die die die because he no longer has jurisdiction over me and i am so happy.
  • high school is now out of my face and i was right, i do love life a lot more.
  • i dont really have that strong an opinion on willifords anymore.
  • i have accepted that nathaniel hawthorne was in fact a man.
  • novus was cancelled so i didnt quit, but i did stop before i left the city. however, it was not of my own volition.
  • i am still terrified of failure and never getting married but i am no longer afraid of being late to class and not being able to pay for college and dancing and being caught with a cellphone at school.

  • the worst thing in my life right now is that my roommate snores and likes to keep the room cooler than i do.
  • i love to write letters.
  • i dont really need to watch tv.
  • my heart of hearts spends approximately 60% of the day pining for ron weasley.
  • i can probably get really great at german, and that is really exciting.
  • i want a boy who takes my mind off my mouth.
  • im a little closer to being pro-life than i expected to be.
  • i am capable of getting my laundry and dishes done and cleaning my room.
  • i feel uncomfortable financially when i am not saving money for something, but the only big thing i want that i dont have is a macbook, and i think im going to get one in about a year, so i am saving my money for going to africa. my mother told me that my father doesnt want me to go to africa, and i told her that he cant stop me.
  • im still not sure what i think about jesus.
  • riding my bike makes me feel like a little kid in the best possible way.
  • i could probably live a happy life as an editor but i still want to be a professor.
  • i like children a lot.
  • my ultimate goal is 138.
  • sometimes i play tetris in my head without thinking about it.
  • college is hard, but i can do it.
  • in less than a year, i will be in england. its going to be the absolute greatest.
  • in two or three years, i wont have a home in memphis anymore. im not sure what i think about that, but the new house is going to be beautiful.
  • i probably like you a lot.

17 October 2007

Fall Break, and Why I Haven't Posted in so Long

part one. on friday i was very tired. i turned in my lit paper, i didnt go to german, i took a quiz on the qur'an, i ate lunch, i took a five hour drive, and i was home. i saw annebel first and we got morgan and mpc. we picked up kristen and josh from The Game and took annebel and josh home, and eventually kristen too. morgan spent the night, we fell asleep pretty fast.

on saturday morgan and i watched the following films:
--the fellowship of the ring extended edition (208 minutes)
--the two towers extended edition (223 minutes)
--the return of the king extended edition (250 minutes)
for a grand total of eleven hours and twenty-one minutes of lord of the rings action in one day. morgan spent the night again.

on sunday i took morgan home early to do things like read beowulf. i went to old navy with my mother. i got annebel. we planned to take a million pictures. we went to shelby farms and smoothie king, and tried to go to the swing but there were kids on it. at shelby farms we were swinging on a big red tire and a tiny boy named joshua came and swung with us for a while. he had freckles and was, i think, about five. annebel and i went back to my home to make dinner, and when we realized we were making way too much for two people, we called kristen and she came too. there were still tons of leftovers. we didnt take any pictures. i took annebel home. we went to kristens. we tried to make brownies for nathan and jesse but they failed miserably. they looked like lava and felt like sponges and tasted like not much at all. i mean the brownies, not nathan and jesse. so we took nathan and jesse a lot of candy instead and left right before midnight. kristen and i had a good talk as we often do. africa, running, college, the electoral college, etc.

on monday kristen and i made bagel sandwiches and went to the lunches at white station. we tried to be good and check in but apparently they dont allow visitation, so we snuck around. next time we'll wear the uniform. we went with chris to herr sturgis' room and he wasnt there at first but then he was. josh came too. we saw some people we love in c lunch and afterwards sat in on stephes class for a while and then went to see across the universe with spencer, which was very good. kristen and i went to ABC and saw a few people but mostly she had a croissant and i had an asiago bagel. thats the most important part. it started raining, we went to target. i bought a hat and a bowl. morgan came over again and we watched three episodes of buffy. annebel brought me brownies and a bag of supplies from her mother: oatmeal, soup, tic tacs, gum, apple cider mix, butterscotch chips. i took kristen and morgan home, watched kucinich on the colbert report, and went to sleep. in the morning i came back to evansville. there you go.

part two. the reason i havent posted so long is because ive been busy. midterm time is a very dangerous time. its not quite over but im doing okay. i am working on life assessment two. i love you all.

22 September 2007

Put your hands, in my hands, and come with me; we'll find another end.

















And my head, and my head, on anyone's shoulder,
'cause I can't be with you.

18 September 2007

Clubs I've Joined Since I Got to College

College Mentors for Kids
--technically i havent joined this yet, but i have applied. my interview is tomorrow and i hope i get it. if i do, ill spend monday afternoons hanging out with elementary kids from the charter school in town and teaching them that they can overcome adversity and go to college and all that. and probably how to make ice cream with nitroglycerin or something. awesome.

Colleges Against Cancer
--this one pretty much explains itself. its a big club with hardly any boys and we signed a contract that we'll pay ten dollars and come to meetings and work on awareness projects etc etc. they meet every other tuesday at nine. i dont like cancer so i joined.

Evansville Review
--evansvilles annual collection of all the good writing they can get their hands on from all over. im an assistant editor. most of my work is this semester when ill read poems upon poems upon short stories upon creative works of nonfiction and rate them all for overall quality and basically help decide what gets in out of about 2000 submissions.

German Club
--havent actually been to this one yet. the first meeting was last night but i had to read about trade in 1500. its mondays at eight and yesterday they went around campus chalking german phrases all over the ground.

Quidditch Club
--this is mondays at 1015pm and last night we had the sorting. im not gonna lie, it was pretty cool and very well done. the hat had a song and everything and it was all very cool. i got ravenclaw, which is good, cause if i didnt i would have probably quit the club. next week is trivia and the girl who notoriously knows everything about harry potter is in ravenclaw too. we are going to own. i mean, someone asked her what color was hermiones nightgown in sorcerers stone, and she knew.

Student Christian Fellowship
--scf meets every friday at 630 for FOCUS, which is capitalized even though it doesnt stand for anything. its basically the closest thing to lakeshore that isnt lakeshore. its not incredibly close but its good. we sing and listen and pray and sing and sing. theres a lot of singing. tuesday nights at 9 we have small group study on the book of james, which i go to. both of the leaders are wonderful. one is the first person i met when i got here and the other talks like allyson zimmerman.

Writers in the Schools
--i probably wont get to do this till next semester but you and a partner go off campus to an elementary school (or sometimes middle) and take over a class and teach the nine year olds to love poetry. i am pretty much psyched about it.

seven clubs is enough, right? i think so. honors tea is tuesdays at 4 and church is sundays at 1030 and theres yoga mondays and wednesdays at 530 and oh dear, so much to do. college, college, college! its delightful.

12 September 2007

Books I've Read Since I Got to College

(Including scholastically and... pleasurably?)

Completed--

  • The Epic of Gilgamesh
  • The Book of James
  • Einstein's Dreams
  • Brokeback Mountain (a short story, I know)
  • Artemis Fowl Two
  • Without You

Begun--

  • Worlds Together, Worlds Apart (my history textbook)
  • Wicked
  • The Lovely Bones

To Be Read This Semester, for School--

  • The Book of Genesis
  • The Koran (selections)
  • The Dialogues of Plato
  • The Inferno
  • Tao Te Ching
  • The Prince
  • The Norton Anthology (extensive selections)
  • The Scarlet Letter
  • Wieland

To Be Read This Semester, for Myself--

  • [All those begun]
  • Flowers for Algernon
  • Brave New World
  • Voyage of the Turtle
  • Stardust
  • Memoirs of a Geisha
  • Alpha and Omega
  • Peter Pan
  • The Children of Hurin
  • Unfinished Tales (if I can get to it)

Can it be done? Only time will tell. Come back next week for further developments.

08 September 2007

From "Messages to Kristen Howell"

7 september 2007

i have the bbyd cast picture on my desk so i can look at you while im typing. is that weird? i dont know. but you know i secretly loved that show, so much. anyway as long as you dont turn into a psycho bitch or get distant ill be okay. dont be a stranger is what im saying. i miss you. you sound tired. you will be finished soon and have some good friends.

dorm-away-college is really wonderful. somehow i am surprised to find it has met all my expectations. you of course know how terrified i was in the days before i left, but the awkwardness, though still obviously present, is beginning to lose the fight. i am so happy here. and i read things like marthas livejournal and how shes so sad at college and i dont know how i got so lucky. most of my friends took their best choice of five or seven or ten schools and still they are not all happy? i applied to memphis and here and took evansville because they promised me money, not because i had thoroughly researched it. and yet here i am and it is so wonderful. i have said wonderful already but its true.

i have gotten pretty well involved with the student christian fellowship. they are nice. they sing. they smile and everyone is always cheerful and glad to see you. so i have gone to church both sundays, and i go to a thing called focus on fridays which is like singing and a lesson and some praying and more singing, and i really like it. and i joined a small group studying the book of james. i picked that one because the two leaders appeal to me. one is a girl named jennifer, who is the first person i met when i came here. she is a sophomore and i think we are friends. we laugh and theres not a lot of awkward pauses. the other is a girl named shelley from kentucky. shes little and has blonde curls and she talks like allyson zimmerman, who i know at lakeshore and who is also from kentucky.

i went to the first quidditch club meeting and i liked it but not as much as id hoped. they are just not classy about how they love harry potter. they love it because they love to wear silky robes and shout spells at each other and pretend to be wizards. i love to do those things too (except the silky robes because theyre unrealistic) but i also love to know the characters and soak up the story and learn from the themes. i love that any shortcomings are overcome by a wealth of wonder and that everything fits together. i know this sounds a little elitist but they just do not love harry potter as classily as i do. but ill give it a try.

in my classes almost everything is picturesque. in american lit, my teacher has this fluid voice like she has lived all of this literature, and she appreciates everything. the class puts our desks in a circle and a lot of people talk. in german, frau pleasant is young and wears green rectangle glasses and almost always hiking boots and a skirt or dress. today she had a blue dress with a blue jacket and chalk stains all over her. she seems the type to lose a pen in her hair, if you understand that characterization. she is so energetic and loves german and laughs and gestures hugely. world cultures is my least favorite class but i still like it. my professor refers to himself in the third person a lot and his quizzes are hard, but the material is still somewhat interesting. we're moving now from gilgamesh into genesis. my world history professor is scottish and has only been in america eight years. last class he gave us this extremely eloquently constructed explanation of the butterfly effect, showing the existence of israel to be a direct result of francis ferdinands driver turning left instead of right. i just eat that class up. copyediting is pretty much grammar for the first half so you know i am in my element. dr bone gives fantastic sentences as examples. there were several problems with the presidents speech. the sheepish dominatrix ruined my party.

that is most of my time spent active. i go and do something at least almost all days, but i have gotten some reading done and a lot of tetris. yesterday i read the book of james, brokeback mountain, and einsteins dreams, which i think is a pretty funny combination. today i read artemis fowl two because ive had it for like four years and thought i should get around to it sometime. i sleep enough. i eat in the dining hall about once a day.

tomorrow shannon and i are going to the gas station across the street which is closer than the grocery store to buy milk and rent driving lessons. we get along pretty well even though she snores and that makes me a little irritable at night. but she doesnt know, shes asleep.

tonight i talked to annebel on the phone for an incredible two hours and thirty-three minutes. that might be the longest telephone conversation ive ever had. we are going to read wicked together so we feel like we are not so separated. this weekend we will read 63 pages. on sunday night we'll talk about it and decide how much to read next week.

next weekend i am going on the fall getaway with scf, which is a whole day and night and the next morning on kentucky lake just doing fun things. swimming, tubing, sitting around, frisbee, cards, whatever. its only fifteen dollars, im sort of excited.

i think i have two friends. one is jennifer about whom i told you. she is so nice. everyone here is nice. today she had a bow in her ponytail at focus. she gave me a ride to minigolf last weekend and she was genuinely excited when i told her i had read the book of james. the other is kaitlin who is in my world cultures and copyediting classes. i think she likes grammar almost as much as i do. we laugh. i laugh a lot here. i realize this message is probably longer than you bargained for but i want to give you a good picture of how i am. and i am well. i am happy in class. i am happy to go to class. i have time to get my homework finished and still do things. theres free stuff to be had all the time, usually food.

i love you. call me sometime when you can and tell me everything. love, love, love. i miss you too.

sara.

29 August 2007

If you love me (and I know you do)

i have all this exciting new contact information. very fun. for example, if you want to email me, you can still use my old email address, but ill also respond at ss412@evansville.edu. and once i figure out how to open my mailbox, you can send me both letters and packages at 501 s. weinbach ave., rm109, evansville, in 47714. finally, although i will eventually call you back if you call my cell, its reception on campus is horrendous and in my room nonexistent, so you should try out my dorm phone at (812)488-5201. if i dont answer, leave a message, because i dont know how to check the missed calls. if after that you cant get ahold of me, well then i probably hate you.

college is fantastic. it is about to storm.

25 August 2007

Holy Smokes

my schedule is a work of art.

MWF
10-1050: Lit 241, Major American Writers I
11-1150: German 111, Elementary German
12-1250: World Cultures 110H, Ancient World Reform Honors

TTh
8-915: History 112, World History Since 1500
115-230: Writing 204, Copy Editing

so basically i get to sleep till 930 MWF and im through before one. TTh i have to get up early but its for history with macleod, the greatest professor in the department. plus hes scottish. writing 204 wont be much fun but itll be easy and 205 was full so ill take it next semester. and look at that huge break between history and writing. this was pretty much my ideal schedule, i didnt have to change anything. basically, i am very pleased. so, so pleased.

my dorm is fantastic. spacious. goooood. things are going well.




22 August 2007

college

technically due to the hour i leave for college tomorrow. well guess what, i am afraid. so, so afraid, and i dont have the things i need to get over the fear. i dont have enough time to pack gradually or say goodbye gently, all my actions are vicious and quick like the summer was. i told annebel at its beginning that this was the growing up summer and it was. i spent so little time at home and i needed that separation to teach me that i could do it. more than school is keeping me from morgan and i am making desperate attempts to cling to the rest of my friends but they are dust in my hands and spreading out in the hot memphis wind all off to wherever it is they go. wherever it is i go. i am trying to pack but i cant take memphis with me and in the past days i have been more unstable than usual. i settled into the pretty rhythm of leaving and coming home over the summer but this is the big one and im off time again and my clapping cant find the beat. i want to touch everyone i know another time before i leave. i missed saying goodbye to martha and oh i regret it. how can i do all the things that must be done in so little time? i need human contact more often than usual, something to plant me into my roots and some way to bring the skin of home away with me. this whole damn thing would be highlighted in red if i were in ms douglas' class, and off to the side id scribble fig lang. so what? that woman wont be messing with my life anymore. now i am jolting my own. i had a little panic attack a day or two ago and i hoped i had gotten it out of my system but im still fidgety, teary, quick tempered, and desperate to hold. any things, jake, people, myself, pillows, books, my breath, still. i crave affection. god, please, someone be near me. stay close to me.


nights like these
i feel like giving up
nights like these
i dont seem to count for much
beer tastes like blood
my mouth is numb
i cant make the words i need to say

22 July 2007

It is done.

14 July 2007

Assignment Book

whats finished is highlighted.

as of wednesday night/thursday morning:























as of monday night:























as of saturday night:


11 July 2007

a few things, since its been a while





--i spent five weeks at governors school and it was so good. i cant even tell you. i have new friends, mary alice, elizabeth, rachael, meredith, ann tyler, sarah beth, alex, heidi, jordan, everyone. my religious studies teacher is out of his mind. i got As. i played kind of a lot of tetris. i love everyone.

--i went with kristen to see nathans band play at the new daisy. they were really good. tommy scudders band played too and their violinist blows my mind.

--i slammed my finger in hatties car door last night going to midnight harry potter. it throbbed like hell and it still hurts. but harry potter was amazing. i mean seriously. i thought the fourth was good but this was a miracle. luna and bellatrix were perfect. i want neville to kill her.

--my english 1010 online has four weeks to go. its coming along with really no problem. the mcs policy, however, has decided i need 1010 and 1020 to make up for senior english, so yesterday i started 1020. it is a real live class 530-730 MTWR. it is boring and i will not like it, but it is only a month long. i have to keep saying, next summer ill be free, next summer ill be free.

--i have given up several things for the month of july, or more accurately july7-august7. i am sort of tired of feeling gross all the time.

--today i went to the dentist and for the first time they mentioned the tooth thats been wrong since i can remember, and if we can afford it we will get it fixed. i know its an aesthetic issue but it has bothered me forever and i want my teeth right.

--i have until next friday to reread the fifth and sixth books. i was thinking of trying to do them all but with two classes theres just not time if i want to see anyone between now and then.

--everyone please come home soon. too many are out of town.

06 July 2007

i am home. i am tired. i have been awake since approximately eight o clock yesterday morning. i have six hours of college credit and about eight or nine new friends.

02 June 2007

write please

Sara Stephens
Governor's School for the Humanities
G218R Browning Hall
The University of Tennessee at Martin
Martin, TN 38238

(this is really the right address now. it was wrong before but not anymore.)

01 June 2007

hows it going? hows it gonna go?

[the following is a jumble.]

im really glad this isnt spring break because i would feel jipped. this week has jetblasted on by. i dont even know what all ive done. i just got back from about 25 hours at lauren huddlestons house. we watched at least six movies i think. im listening to a lot of damien rice and modest mouse, an unlikely combination but that is how my summer is going, hot and fast and sweet and electified! i bought a dress and i need to cash my government money so i can get more more more before sunday. so little time! yesterday i got a voicemail from troy asking me to counsel at the shore next week. today i have to call and tell him i cant because i have to go to governors school. i know i will love it there but im afraid i will miss out on counseling because of it. there are still three more chances but what if thats not enough? who knows. morgan left and we have six and a half weeks apart, our longest separation since we were reunited in sixth grade.

the summer will be exactly what it needs to be. everything everywhere all the time all at once, and thats what i want. im not worrying, just thinking. planning, looking forward, looking up and around. i need to start packing, its a long trip.

26 May 2007

I NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL EVER AGAIN. NOT EVER.

21 May 2007

for posterity

saturday was prom. no one really knew exactly what we were doing all afternoon until morgan made some executive decisions and everything worked out. at five-ish andy and annebel and cameron came over for look-pretty-for-mommy pictures, then we went and picked up michael and then morgan, whose dress was a huge puffy white wedding dress that was amazing. we all met eileen and will, martha and ryan, and bekka and newman at pete n sams in a party of 12 and ate and then everyone but eileen and will got to prom earlier than we should have probably, at about 840 and it started at 8. annebel looked so beautiful. prom was as great as i hoped even though there was no punch. we had a booty circle and danced on the chairs and stayed mainly on the edges of the too-small dance floor. other than my party i saw mainly kristen, hattie and preston, nathan and jesse, and eric some. the highlight, however, came only shortly before the end of prom, when i danced with chi zhang to knuck if you buck. oh what a time! we were the last people to leave and the lady cleaning up said "come on, partys over."

we again didnt know what we were going to do but we decided to go to ryans dads in harbor town. i took annebel and cameron home and met the rest at marthas and off we went over the high bridge and around the corner. we stayed up late and ryan made eggs and we all mostly fell asleep during the life aquatic, about 330.

at 8 ryan was up already because i guess he hates us all, and we got up except for bekka and took a morning walk most of the way to the other end of harbor town and back and i didnt wear shoes. when we got back we went by the pool and stuck our feet in. ryan and martha and michael swam for real but it was too cold for me. bekka joined us and newman left and we went to the arcade for breakfast/lunch. eileen and will joined us. after eating we crossed the street and tried on silly things at american apparel. then we dispersed, and that was prom.

15 May 2007

"i regret to announce, this is the end."

today was the last day for the seniors who dont have to take exams. so i wonder who did i see today i will never see again? is this ridiculous? or who will i see at prom and then never again? who will i see next friday and then never again? there are 2400 people at my school and four or five hundred of them are running off to disappear just like me. who will be forgotten in a year or ten? who will forget me?

i want my friends to remember me but im afraid they wont. no matter how close i am to them now will i look behind me and see we were friends for only a year? will they? of the seven of us, five have been friends since middle school, and two we just recently picked up but i love them. i dont want to be a footnote in marthas and ryans memories in a decade. the former i knew only in passing before this year, the latter spoke to me only once before this year, but we have spent the whole year in plays together. both of them i know every day.

will we keep in touch, is it true? will you all be my friends from high school i see sometimes at holidays? will i send you cards at christmas or will we be together? the concept of college is beautiful and necessary but once jonathan larson said, "what binds a fabric together, when the raging shifting winds of change keep ripping away?" and there you have it. right now we are all in love with each other or at least i am in love with all of you. i am in love with at least the six rest of you and at least four or five more and when we go away where will we go? how many of us will settle in little memphis and how many need to get out and stay out? i dont want to recognize the possibility that we will not all always be exactly like we are, but we wont be.

please, my friends, my darlings, keep loving me when i am gone. please if you love me now let there be a little place for me always. i cannot breathe without you and i need to know you remember me. i know that the greatest impact i will make on my high school will be leaving it. but what impact have i made on my friends? will i be mentioned by name in your memoirs? will you be in mine? when josh sigler is graduating, when he is writing his high school days at the end of them, will i be in the letter? i dont know.

i want to make a list: remember this from high school. i want to make a list but i dont want to have to make a list. i just want to remember. but i am so afraid i wont, so here is the list.

remember this from high school:

my friends, my very best friends, the ones i will always love, i am in love with them all and they are not in order: morgan, eileen, bekka, ryan, newman, martha, hattie, kristen, mercer, annebel. my friends, the ones who got me by: lilla, josh, chris, lena, sean, lane, huddleston. the friends i did not have: amelia and mouse, who left me too early and against their will. how i spent my time: novus, the ergolytes, moved, trezevant manor my first job, kelly green, bang bang youre dead. the teachers i loved: ms kitts, mr munter, ms lafon, herr sturgis, mr cartwright, mr stephenson. the teachers i hated: mr smith, ms douglas, ms haughton, mr whitehead, ms sugarmon. the places i went: lakeshore, florida, the rope swing, the river, mpc, harbor town, otherlands. the horrible things: exams, dialectical journals, julius caesar, eileens 16th birthday party, losing at state, losing amelia. everything else. dance parties, wrestling, the summer of amelia, choir, michael ingersoll, the camry, the volvo, sadness mixes, ROME and ROAM, early mornings, birthdays, the warm air and the grass, matt birdsong, the spaniards, late nights. watching americas next top model or having pillow fights at bbyd rehearsal instead of rehearsing. learning math from ryan before kelly green rehearsal. everything about who is kelly green. sunburn, latin convention, thespian conference, the ani difranco concert. prom. popcorn and ovaltine. everyone i know.

this is it. the end. the finish. the destination. the next step toward independence, the next step toward being alone. my friends, please, if you love me now, remember me later. please, please, please remember me.

13 May 2007

"unprecedented president"

is what i named my teddy roosevelt essay on the APUS exam, which was about 30% information and 70% "TR IS SO GREAT" because come on, he so is.

on friday i took the biggest test ever and when it was over whizzed on out of that building like a cat on ice, whatever that means. i took morgan and we whizzed on home for what else but popcorn and lost. i took her home to get a haircut but wouldnt you know it picked her up again that night and we went with brett to cks. i had a waffle i probably didnt need but man it was good. mfox and suzi were there and when we left we had to stop by my house to get an insurance card but ended up staying and watching harry potter and blood drips on newsies square. i took brett home and morgan and i went to sleep in my room.

she woke up before me but i got up too and we watched more lost and i took her home and took a walk and had annebel over for probably the second-to-last precal attack ever. we got very very frustrated and no one was in the house and annebel said "we have to get out of here" so we got in the car and drove and drove. we went to the rhodes part of midtown and drove past some friends houses. ryan was on his porch and i waved. we went to harbor town which is over a steep bridge and i never even knew it was there. there is a park by the river but hardly anyone was there, and all the houses are big and bright and lovely. we found a frisbee but we have no skill with it. when we left we had to skip otherlands to get home for dinner and more math. i guess we got some done. i took her home at ten and went to sleep early because i was tired.

this morning i woke up at eight hurting all over and went into the bathroom and stayed there. then i had breakfast and was still hurting all over so i took some pills and went to get gas and mail some letters and get my mother presents. i got her the golden compass and a rufus wainwright cd and drew got her chocolate and coffee. after lunch mom and i went prom dress shopping. we went to oak court and searched dillards, macys, charlotte russe, banana republic, and a store i dont know, and we found nothing, so we went to flashback, garbos (which was closed), and the place that used to be moondance, and found nothing, so we went out to wolfchase and went to its macys and dillards and found nothing, and went to jc penneys and found a lot. so i got a dress, and i like it, but it needs to be hemmed.

now i am home and i had a lot of cereal and i yelled at annebel on the phone because i guess now that calculus is my only source of stress it sort of explodes when i get into it.

ten days left ever.

11 May 2007

buble

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me

Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling--
good!

07 May 2007

influential person essay, for ms wexler

As humans we are sometimes told that we are products of our surroundings, infinitely influenced by the environments in which we go about our little lives. Well, my surroundings are and have always been Morgan, so it must be that I am a product of her. When we met we were two years old, and when we part we will be two hundred. Living always within the reach of her sweet arm, I have no choice—and want nothing more—than to be shaped by her presence.

I take pride in, and admit shamelessly, my decidedly upstanding morals. Whatever they tell their parents or imply to their teachers, I know without doubt that most high school students at all levels are involved in drugs or alcohol or both; I am not one of them. I have grown up watching Morgan, who knows exactly the difference between having a glass of wine at dinner and not remembering what you did last weekend, and I have followed her. In the first four months of her life, before I was born, she must have learned all the wisdom on the earth and grown in mental leaps that take others decades to navigate. She and I don’t need any chemicals in us to have a good time; we have each other and plenty of hours of anything at all.

Because Morgan will hold my hands, I have survived high school. In the roughest weeks of teeth grinding and dark circles, she is awake too, and in the shadows of early morning, every step she can still take, I can still take. Every hour she can muddle through, I can muddle through. We are so bound that no boy scout could unlock our knots, just as no chiseled diamond could chip us away. We are earth and water. If she dies, I die.

Morgan exceeds me in all things except my love for her. I feel like a poet except when I read her perfect prose. I feel like an actor except when I watch her against the black background of a stage. She has led me into both of these passions, and in both she has risen above, but still I hang on; she will not let me fall, I am small but not left behind, I am complete and only myself or any self at all in the grasp of her tiny hand.
in 87 hours i will be taking the apus history exam. in 90 hours it will be over.

this week is so so so so so so so so bad. i know it. next week though. oh man. awesome.

01 May 2007

may day

this is a list of foods that taste good but make me feel horrible after i eat them. i will not be eating them in the month of may. this is a commitment i dont know if i can keep. but i want to feel better.

bagels
ice cream
chips
muffins
pasta
fried foods of all kinds
rice

29 April 2007

"bang bang i wish you were all dead"

is probably what the judges put on our comment sheets at state. we got fifth place. out of five. lauren said "we're not here to win, we're here to do a good job." but since we got last i guess we didnt do that either.

but its done.
over.
forever.

and i am not relieved.

dance party was last night which was nice for mollifying the melancholy. we boogied pretty hard and had a little fight and in the morning lounged on blankets in the yard and fought with sticks and rolled around on scooters and skateboards.

i was so tired of bbyd but now its over i really dont know what to do with myself. i mean, its been five months. i mean, i am really, really sad.

wish i had a boy to kiss me better and wrap me all up in limbs. wanna hold my breath in his neck and close my eyes and fall down and feel safe.

24 April 2007

personal statement one, for ms wexler

When I am tired and busy for weeks and weeks I dream over and over about my teeth falling out. The internet says that that indicates a sense of powerlessness, but I know it indicates a certain type of fear, the creeping kind that always gets at me when there are not enough hours in the day and I feel like I’m not getting anything accomplished. I always wake up shaking with my hands clawing at my mouth.

I hate when I try to say something beautiful and it just comes out as facts. I wish everything I said fell out like water on rocks and was beautiful but usually it isn’t.

After grad school I want to build wells in Africa for a year, then spend some time teaching kids in Namibia, then marry a man like Anatole and move back to America to teach college in Arizona or New Mexico until I’m old and deaf. If I’m successful, my campaigns for saving Africans and promoting proper grammar will outlive me.

In the summer of 2005, I got up at six in the morning to protest “Love in Action”—a program that tries to convert (mostly unwilling) gay teenagers to heterosexuality—because I know that God loves everyone.

My middle school principal said no when I tried to skip the eighth grade, but now that I am skipping the twelfth grade he is saying yes. If he had said no again I would have done it anyway because I hate high school and I don’t need it anymore. College is what I need now and I know that beyond any doubt. My friends pout and ask me why I’m leaving them, and I say, “because I have to.”

When I get letters from universities telling me about how exciting it must be for me to be beginning to think about college, I laugh. I have been thinking about college since the fourth grade and actively searching since seventh.

No one will ever love me because I have a huge head. That’s probably not true.

I can’t strike a match.

My fingernails are soft. I know the sign language for “secretary.” I taught myself how to make an omelette. Before I die, I want to play Little Red Riding Hood in Into the Woods. I can’t dance but I do anyway. I love yellow roses.

I’m trying to define myself for you, College, because I want you to know what I’m here for. I’m here to study creative writing because the only thing that I know I will always love is words. I’m here to study history so I don’t repeat the mistakes of my ancestors. I’m here to learn every language I can because the only way I can be happy is if I go everywhere.

I am here because every time a teacher tells me I’m being prepared for the real world, I know that either I’m already prepared, or I’m already there.

22 April 2007

gifts

in no particular order...

college gave me 2 more k.
mr brown gave me his approval.
eileens mom gave me a pretty stellar recommendation.
amelia gave me hope for humanity (ie, to see her this summer)
ms wexler gave me a useless project.
my mom gave me a hint that could mean she is buying me a car.

15 April 2007

letters

-i sent beth ryan an email letter asking her to write me a recommendation to counsel.
-i sent eileens mom an email letter telling her all the great things about myself so she'll write me a good recommendation to counsel.
-i got a big hefty letter from UE asking me to sign up for a meal plan and a dorm and summer orientation and to get a physical.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my housing application and meal plan form in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my summer orientation registration in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i found the letter i tried to send lakeshore with my counselor application in it muddy on the ground in my yard because the storm knocked it off the mailbox before the postman came.
-i completed the counselor application letter again and glued in my pastors muddy signature with an explanation and took it to the post office today.

on a different note, i need to call danielle, lora jean gowan, steve may, and ray chandler, and convince them that i am morally sound and well-rounded and responsible enough to counsel their camps. i also need to do three precal homeworks and correct my test, tell mr stephe whether truman was a war criminal, and take a shower.

six more weeks and then some responsibilities ill enjoy.
ideal summer schedule (* = confirmed):
may27-june2: counsel treehouse 1
june3-july6: governors school*
july8-july14: counsel jr high 2
july15-july21: counsel jr high music/drama
july22-july28: sr high treehouse*
july29-august4: counsel elementary 4
august15-august21: florida*
august23: COLLEGE*

12 April 2007

i just got sent the letter i wrote myself at lakeshore last summer. it couldnt have come at a better time.

06 April 2007

feet

today i got an envelope from evansville. is was very big. inside was a purple folder. inside that were several letters and documents, the first of which started with "congratulations!" and the second of which also started with "congratulations" but then went on to eventually say "academic scholarship worth $12,000.00 per year."

i have submitted my nonrefundable admission deposit, securing my place in the university of evansville freshman class.

this is for real.
this is confirmed.
this is big.

28 March 2007

inches

evansville has received my application.

one tiny step closer.
every inch counts.

25 March 2007

district/birthday/etc

speedweekend because i need to sleep

friday:
bbyd went to district
cast minus nathan and jenee plus annebel went to mpc
then the rope swing in the dark
then the spanish party
kristen and annebel came over to watch diego movies
sleep.

saturday:
they woke me up too early
they left
i cleaned my room
we won district
im in the top ten actors at district and so is most of the cast
ryan is number one (surprise)
i cleaned my room more
party city closes at 6 on saturdays
had my party and it was great
hattie martha newman and ryan stayed till two
morgan bekka and kristy spent the night
went to sleep.

sunday:
they woke me up too early
kristy and bekka left
morgan and i watched lost
she left
i tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to 300 with hattie
tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to the last ROME party
tried to do my dbq (failed)

going to bed now ill do it in the morning.

19 March 2007

"Everything's Going So Well!"

today my mother had a meeting scheduled with mr brown, but no one told him about it, so when she got there he was gone. so instead, ms sowell came and took my mom to the 11th grade office and she met with sowell and ms kirkwood. now ms kirkwood i think is a pretty friendly lady. at any rate she is fond of me and hugged me when i got my psat score. not only that, but she hugged my mother at the end of their meeting and from that you can see where this is going.

my mother talked to them about what i am going to do and guess who graduated when she was sixteen? thats right, ms kirkwood. she said "when i was in school this wasnt an issue at all! i dont know why anyone as gifted as her would want to spend another year in high school." she gave my mother the number of the woman at the board to determine if my gov school english would be able to count, but ms kirkwood said probably that wouldnt be a problem.

it is fairly likely that ms sowell will be able to sign off all this stuff for me and that we wont have to talk to mr brown at all, thank god.

it is fairly likely that the application to the university of evansville which i will give to ms kirkwood tomorrow for completion will end up in the hands of the dean of admissions who will proceed to admit me there for the 2007-2008 school year and by the 2008-2009 school year at the latest offer me full tuition for national merit. thank you. thank you.

thank you. thank you, thank you thankyouthankyou.

finally everything is coming together. i have my ducks in a row. o please, please let this happen.

18 March 2007

spring break 07

no one probably cares what i did over spring break but i am going to tell you anyway and if you choose to read it then good for you.

on friday i went to lunch with bekka, newman, morgan, and neimeyer. it was a little bit of a mess but eventually we all got to los compadres and had a good time. i had to go because i was unexpectedly going out of town.

friday afternoon i left with lauren reed and ms nancy for pangburn, arkansas, population 654, to relax for a few days. we played scrabble and spades and team scrabble and uno and ate ice cream and went fishing and sat in the sun. the fishing was terrifying; i always thought lauren was torturing the fish because she wouldnt hurry enough getting the hooks out of their mouths. if i had to fish for survival i dont know if i could do it. but in general it was nice and very refreshing to not have anything i really had to do for a few days. i came home on monday.

on tuesday, i think, i drove around a lot with kristen and annebel and then they came home with me and eventually lauren huddleston came over and i made omelettes (because that morning i asked morgan what was in an omelette and she said "milk, i think" and so i just figured it out.) we sort of made crafts and talked about the potluck the next day and were silly and good. at some point they went home.

wednesday was my birthday. i woke up and went to morgans and she gave me smore pies and then went to the scribbler meeting. i snuck into her house for a nap and when she got back we went to mpc and then charlotte russe and then back to her house where we watched part of the two towers and made two types of chicken for the primavera potluck and headed to the neimeyer house. i got a journal from eileen and flowers from martha and ryan and a lot of warm faces and good food. we all decided to be models and took lots and lots of pictures. when it was over morgan spent the night.

in the morning we watched lost and i took her home. when my mother got off work she took me out for presents: troy, the prestige, another dress, green converses with starry starry laces.

friday i got up and packed and my mother took me and annebel to evansville indiana and the university of evansville. i cannot say how good it was. i went back on bread and chocolate for 24 hours because i am allowed to do that three times during lent. the drive was complicated but not too long (five hours) and when we got there we snuck around for a while on campus without announcing ourselves. we got in through the back of the theatre and were on the stage when the stage manager came in and did not ask us to leave. instead she invited us to come watch rehearsal for the comedy of errors, so we went to eat and then came back for shakespeare. they were really, really good. molly holmes, assistant stage manager, introduced herself to us and talked to us about the school and harlaxton and the theatre and everything for a good while and gave me her email address for questions, and another girl gave us chocolate altoids. when we left we went and watched 300 on the imax and then came back to the hotel to sleep.

the next morning was the open house, which we expected to be very contrived and not very real but it was only a little contrived. we met the german professor, the chair of the english dept, the chair of the history dept, the theatre teacher, the dean of admissions, and everyone was just nice. the campus is reasonably small but not tiny and the city is like a smaller, cleaner, more german memphis, even with a river on the west end.

my mother had a meeting with admissions people and they said they are much more generous with scholarships for freshman than transfer students.
the dean of admissions said i should not have a problem getting in for 2007.
the scholarship booklet said national merit finalists get full tuition and semifinalists get 75% tuition.

i started my application on the drive home.

mr brown you will not stop me from getting out of white station and you will not stop me from getting my national merit. that is the key.

13 March 2007

kristen and i are going to thirty-five states and no one else can come. sorry.

10,225 miles.
166.1 hours of driving.

(there are 168 hours in a week.)

07 March 2007

important things that need to happen

[X] get accepted to the u of m evansville
[X] send the u of m evansville my stuff
[X] get money from the u of m evansville ($12k!)
[X] send gov school my stuff
[X] have a meeting with mr brown
[X] find out what i have to do this summer
[X] get recommendations to counsel
[X] not eat bread or chocolate (complete! success!)
[X] sign up for senior high wilderness
[X] sign up for writers retreat

04 March 2007

ROAM Party

on friday it was eileens birthday. at 215 school ended and the ROAM party technically began. there was supposed to be no driving at all. that didnt happen. but there was a long period of not driving.

eileen, morgan, ryan, martha, newman, bekka, will gratz, wills roommate jordan, and i stood outside school for a while sort of trying to plan but came up with nothing. so eileen and will and jordan started walking down poplar, newman went to fullfill some obligation, martha and ryan dispersed, and bekka and morgan and i went to my house. i got some clothes and better walking shoes on and switched to a purse with a shoulder strap. then we went to morgans and she got ready, then to bekkas and she got ready. we called eileen who then informed us that, no, she was not going to come to the scribbler coffee house, but she and her entourage would meet us there when it was over. we thought about taking my car home and walking to school from there, but there wasnt quite enough time.

we headed toward school and when we were passing the black gate we decided to get some backyard burger, even though we werent exactly sure where it was. we found it though, and then went to school for scribbler. when i got up to the corner theatre i remembered i was supposed to give annebel a ride (i am so sorry annebel) so i rushed out and got her and came back. plenty of people were there, which was good. eileen and company did show up but spent the whole time in the art room. when it was over i saw annebel off and morgan, ryan, martha, and i hid our heads in our coats and did nothing at all in the east parking lot. nope, nothing at all. nothing.

i took morgan and ryan took martha to leave our cars at eudora where eileen, will, jordan, and bekka were, and we abandoned wheeled forms of transportation for a while. we set out at about 8 or 830 down poplar. we went to high point coffee and ryan was inside and bekka was outside and they had a battle through their reflections. then we walked to the oak court but on the way stopped at some particularly firm bushes. at oak court newman met us and everyone fought with these big plastic yellow covers they put over the concrete poles that show you where the driveways are. we tried to do some of the workshop exercises from good time speech but it didnt work out so well. from the mall we crossed to the botanic gardens and wandered around in a field for a while and made a few puns and started walking down southern, then in a ditch at overton(?) park, then down into that neighborhood by there toward andy harpers house. on the way we encountered a funny bridge in the making or the breaking, and we went into elokins house for a little while talking very quietly because there was a sleeping baby. harper lives about five houses down from there and we met him at his porch and asked if he could come with us but he couldnt, which was expected. we all left him and his friend and i think decided to take the bus back to morgans. we stopped at a mcdonalds for a while whereupon we decided it was really not that far to perkins, and therefore we should go. so we walked and walked up highland to perkins, but bekka and newman kept going and went all the way back to eudora to get his car. when they came back he drove me, ryan, eileen, and will to eudora to get our cars and then we all drove back to perkins to pick up the rest of everybody. eileen and company went together but the rest of us shook it up. martha came with me, bekka with ryan, morgan with newman, and we all went to morgans house at about 130 in the morning.

after a little while there, eileen and company went to sleep, and the rest of us "made skin so normal" and very slowly got very tired, conked out on the floor at about 530 or 6AM even though there were plenty of beds, which we moved into after a little while. we all got up at maybe 10, and martha devised a very complex plan to not go to the scribbler meeting, so she and ryan went to leave a key out for daniel williford and then met me, morgan, bekka, and newman at gibsons. (eileen, will, and jordan went to buns on the run.) i couldnt have any donuts because donuts are bread, so we drove all to marthas house and ryan made lots of eggs. we watched this very absurd documentary about a man who taught shakespeare to fifth grade mostly-asians, and im pretty sure he was the devil himself. "does anyone in your family have a problem with alcohol? what about a drug problem? okay, thats okay, its okay to have problems, we all have problems, i have problems. SOLVE THEM."

martha (and ryan too?) had to do english so after we played with her dogs we left back to morgans. newman had to go fullfill an obligation but bekka and morgan and i lounged around and ate popcorn and pecans and various things, and then we watched once more with feeling, and then the beginning of the last unicorn. mercer called and reminded me of the english project id been putting off all weekend and we decided we could get started without tabatha.

at about 630 i took bekka home who was feeling a little sick, and i went to mercers. we got started on english and ate moroccan chicken, which was pretty delicious, did a little more english and i got a little hysterical with the lack of sleep. we ate ice cream and did a little more english and went to bed far later than i preferred.

too early in the morning we had eggs and ice cream for breakfast, watched the beginning of the producers, and worked pretty steadily on english for a few hours. we basically finished other than typing it up. we did the whole thing without tabatha and i dont think anyone has a problem with that. i came home at maybe 2oclock and watched some of air force one with my brother and then retired to my chambers and here i am. i hope maybe i can hit up youth group tonight. we'll see.

28 February 2007

The One-Act That Wouldn't Die

ladies and gentlemen,

bang bang youre dead is going to district in three weeks. thats right! its not over.

26 February 2007

big and little

-my mother has a new big money job
-bang bang youre dead went so well (and might go to district? what?)
-i got a 31 on my ACT
-the u of m and the state of tennessee now have no choice but to give me all kinds of money
-its pushing nearer and nearer to my birthday
-its pushing nearer and nearer to writers retreat

the big things in my life are going so well. and some little things too, like discovering charlotte russe dresses for less than my life savings, and having herr strugis say i was a trooper. some of the little things are not so good, like my history test and my english project.

i wish i would get my acceptance from the u of m so i could be sure. im also kind of looking forward to the "heres 7500 dollars" letter. now i can finally get a meeting with herr brune to make him sign a form that says i can go to college. you are not stopping me this time mr brown.

need to study whyyyyyy?

weathers warming up
less than a month till spring

22 February 2007

helpless doorknobs

was really great. mighty good show, all. really. and the night of improv contained various priceless moments as well, eg, "coach morgan no!" i took a few pictures and kind of a lot of video on annebels camera so hopefully i can get some access to those soon.

YOU GUYS
I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
BANG BANG YOURE DEAD
IS TOMORROW
WE WILL BE PERFORMING IT
IN TWENTY ONE HOURS
AND THAT IS NOT A LONG TIME

okay. freakout over.
kind of.

19 February 2007

affirmation

  • my friends are growing up.
  • it is okay that my friends are growing up.
  • i am growing up.
  • it is okay that i am growing up.
  • school is hard.
  • but it will end soon.
  • its all nice on ice all right.

(in other news, i have not heard from governors school since they sent me my acceptance. when should they be mailing me about anything?)

[EDIT wednesday morning: i got a big letter from them yesterday with class preference etc etc. good good.]

14 February 2007

looking up

valentines day is dumb.

but my english project is done and i get to go have chocolate with annebel tonight. i switched to the new blogger and now i have a picture of the most beautiful oh oh oh.

my mother just got a new job

that-will-pay-probably-about-$13k-more-a-year-than-she-gets-now.

12 February 2007

jaqueline was being such a big girl with her cup of tea looking out of the window

today was bad, o so bad. i woke up tireder (?) than usual and did my best to stay home but my mother said i had been out late the night before so i had no reason to stay home, which was true. the precal test was a disaster. the whole class cheated off each other but no one knew how to do it so it didnt help. in english we worked on writing our own APMC questions, which consisted mostly of amanda hamilton and i pulling out our hair and making frustrated noises. in latin i came the closest i have yet come to falling asleep in class. in APUS we had a pop-DBQ. jesus, i thought pop-essays were bad but this was a mess. economics was the most boring its been yet. i came home and sat at the television till five thirty and soon i have to do all those things i have to do.

but still, the weekend was good. i got up early saturday and took the ACT and had lunch with spencer, then for a while sat around, but i talked to bekka and we decided to rent angels in america. we have been trying to watch it for weeks. i told her we should drop by lenas party for a little bit and we did, but it was more fun than i expected. eileen newman martha and ryan were there and also eric and we ended up staying till about quarter to midnight, so we couldnt go to black lodge. thwarted again!

bekka spent the night (with no complaint from her parents!) and in the morning we had breakfast and she left and annebel came to use my computer. i found all my saddest clothes and took the dirt from my yard and put it all over me and darkened my eyes and wrapped my poorest looking baby doll up in a pillowcase and when annebel left i went to ryans house for the rome party with no shoes on. guest list: martha ryan newman bekka l-hudd k-ho hairston and michael. hobbit hobbit. hairston was rich and kristen was her slave. bekka and newman were whores. ryan was an animal tamer. i was poor and dirty. we watched two episodes of rome and kristen hairston and lauren left pretty soon. there was a lot of very good food. michael went home. martha gave us valentines candy (thank you). we went upstairs to the second living room and watched the man kill the gladiators and watched the senate kill caesar and watched the woman kill herself. martha went home and newman bekka and i kept saying we should leave and get out of the masson familys hair but we stayed until maybe 1030. i got home fully ready to be up into the wee hours doing homework but i just didnt. i was supposed to read kite runner and do two history homeworks and three precal homeworks but i didnt do any of those things. i went to sleep in a heap but it was a very good day.

10 February 2007

proof that im a copy cat

eileen "missed" class on monday because of history.
i "missed" class on tuesday because of history.

eileen got a macbook.
i am getting a macbook.

eileen made a tent.
i made a tent.

sorry buddy. ill try to develop some original thought : )

(that smiley seems really out of place, but im gonna leave it. )

08 February 2007

someone pull a miracle on me please

i just want to have some feeling that there is something waiting for me, you know?

05 February 2007

WHAT BINDS A FABRIC TOGETHER WHEN THE RAGING SHIFTING WINDS OF CHANGE KEEP RIPPING AWAY?

my fingernails are as dirty as my hair and id love to go take a shower but i would feel guilty for putting off my work any longer, so naturally i put off my work by wasting away on this machine. i have this economics project. i have this history test. im supposed to read the bible or something for english. i dont know what my latin homework is and i dont intend to find out because either way i wont do it because why bother when i have a 101 average? what really matters is studying history and finishing econ, but really those things dont matter at all. theres really nothing to say that i havent said before other than why the hell dont i skip school? because i never have, thats the answer, and its a bad answer. what are the repercussions? nothing in german, very little in precal, ms wexler will love me a little less because every time you are absent she loves you a little less, nothing in latin, ill make up the history test, but in econ the project must be in or i get a zero. i mean, i could drop it off. where do you go when you skip school? the zoo is free tomorrow. hah! its too cold. im too chicken.

03 February 2007

night time

i had a horrible dream, the night before last.

i dreamed i left town in an old van with three boys for a two week road trip, and i didnt tell my mother. i called her when we were already gone and left a message on her cell phone, "mom ill be home in two weeks," and that was all. on the road the three boys and i stopped at a hundred gas stations and never got anywhere, but we spent all our money buying useless things out of the little gas station stores. but the trip didnt take two weeks. it took five months, and when we were coming back finally it was just me and i was in my car. on the way home i stopped at a stop sign and saw my mother pass me in her car. i knew it was my mother but it was really hattie. she looked at me so scared and astonished. i realized suddenly she thought i was dead. she looked at me like i was a ghost, and i just kept driving.

it was so, so bad.

27 January 2007

Final Decision:

YES.

I'm doing it.

22 January 2007

hey, college. surprise.

okay, so. i really really like william and mary. like, a lot. alumni? thomas jefferson and jon stewart. and st johns is... not so much. it just doesnt have what i need. so, slightly adjusted top seven, alphabetically:

columbia college chicago (chicago IL)
university of evansville (evansville IN)
evergreen state college (olympia WA)
kenyon college (gambier OH)
macalester college (st paul MN)
reed college (portland OR)
college of william and mary (williamsburg VA)

11 January 2007

g-willllllllllllll

zxdctfvygbuhnijm,rbmoytgibkrcfyhgvyutfvhbnjwrqtuhuoinfy i just asked george williford to prom. in front of hattie kristen kristy chris jesse andy michael.

me: dont you need a jacket or something? its january.
him: not really, i--
me: willyougotopromwithme?
him: --what? when even is prom?
me: i have no idea.
him: well okay. why not.

05 January 2007

lifelifelifelifelifelife

basically i havent been home.

on the third at 4 i went to dreamgirls with annebel. it was so good. then i went straight to mercers late new years party by way of ikes for sparkling cider. we played charades and both teams put derek as a category. ridiculous. i spent the night up till 630 talking to lilla and got up at 10 on the fourth to rub my eyes and drink orange juice before bbyd rehearsal at eleven. it ended at "five," which means it ended at like two and we watched americas next top model for a while and then i took kristen home and had my first experience with hydroplaning [badbadbad]. i was home for about an hour when eileen called and said lets do something, so i picked her up and we went to otherlands. the french soda, o so good. everyone there always thinks it has perrier in it but it doesnt. then we got in the car and dorve around for a while, stopping at the idlewild playground and black lodge and ending up at morgans. brett was there and morgan and i in my car followed brett and eileen in his car to this place in south memphis to watch trains, but they didnt come. i didnt know where i was and it was discomforting so morgan and i left to go find our way back to her house. we got lost and spent ten minutes driving on lamar, but when we saw an inn and an exit we turned around and a car honked at me. we followed "brooks museum -->" signs to end up at liberty land and get back on union and went to morgans. i had a ridiculous salt craving and we talked about white station and watched roswell and passed out around 330. eileen and i (and everyone i guess) got up at ten again on the fifth [today], i took her home to do something and went home for nine minutes to stick my head under the shower and brush my teeth and all that, then went to bbyd rehearsal again, from which i just got home. now its now and im home but at about sixish im meeting the phive-n-phriends at the paradiso to probably go to dinner because larn is in town.

most of my exploits this week have been short of what youd call adventure, but they were all exciting and worth the time. everything i do should be worth the time. i am feelin good.

03 January 2007

new years eve

had a party. it was gooooood.