college

technically due to the hour i leave for college tomorrow. well guess what, i am afraid. so, so afraid, and i dont have the things i need to get over the fear. i dont have enough time to pack gradually or say goodbye gently, all my actions are vicious and quick like the summer was. i told annebel at its beginning that this was the growing up summer and it was. i spent so little time at home and i needed that separation to teach me that i could do it. more than school is keeping me from morgan and i am making desperate attempts to cling to the rest of my friends but they are dust in my hands and spreading out in the hot memphis wind all off to wherever it is they go. wherever it is i go. i am trying to pack but i cant take memphis with me and in the past days i have been more unstable than usual. i settled into the pretty rhythm of leaving and coming home over the summer but this is the big one and im off time again and my clapping cant find the beat. i want to touch everyone i know another time before i leave. i missed saying goodbye to martha and oh i regret it. how can i do all the things that must be done in so little time? i need human contact more often than usual, something to plant me into my roots and some way to bring the skin of home away with me. this whole damn thing would be highlighted in red if i were in ms douglas' class, and off to the side id scribble fig lang. so what? that woman wont be messing with my life anymore. now i am jolting my own. i had a little panic attack a day or two ago and i hoped i had gotten it out of my system but im still fidgety, teary, quick tempered, and desperate to hold. any things, jake, people, myself, pillows, books, my breath, still. i crave affection. god, please, someone be near me. stay close to me.

nights like these

i feel like giving up

nights like these

i dont seem to count for much

beer tastes like blood

my mouth is numb

i cant make the words i need to say