If you love me (and I know you do)

i have all this exciting new contact information. very fun. for example, if you want to email me, you can still use my old email address, but ill also respond at ss412@evansville.edu. and once i figure out how to open my mailbox, you can send me both letters and packages at 501 s. weinbach ave., rm109, evansville, in 47714. finally, although i will eventually call you back if you call my cell, its reception on campus is horrendous and in my room nonexistent, so you should try out my dorm phone at (812)488-5201. if i dont answer, leave a message, because i dont know how to check the missed calls. if after that you cant get ahold of me, well then i probably hate you.

college is fantastic. it is about to storm.

Holy Smokes

my schedule is a work of art.

MWF
10-1050: Lit 241, Major American Writers I
11-1150: German 111, Elementary German
12-1250: World Cultures 110H, Ancient World Reform Honors

TTh
8-915: History 112, World History Since 1500
115-230: Writing 204, Copy Editing

so basically i get to sleep till 930 MWF and im through before one. TTh i have to get up early but its for history with macleod, the greatest professor in the department. plus hes scottish. writing 204 wont be much fun but itll be easy and 205 was full so ill take it next semester. and look at that huge break between history and writing. this was pretty much my ideal schedule, i didnt have to change anything. basically, i am very pleased. so, so pleased.

my dorm is fantastic. spacious. goooood. things are going well.

college

technically due to the hour i leave for college tomorrow. well guess what, i am afraid. so, so afraid, and i dont have the things i need to get over the fear. i dont have enough time to pack gradually or say goodbye gently, all my actions are vicious and quick like the summer was. i told annebel at its beginning that this was the growing up summer and it was. i spent so little time at home and i needed that separation to teach me that i could do it. more than school is keeping me from morgan and i am making desperate attempts to cling to the rest of my friends but they are dust in my hands and spreading out in the hot memphis wind all off to wherever it is they go. wherever it is i go. i am trying to pack but i cant take memphis with me and in the past days i have been more unstable than usual. i settled into the pretty rhythm of leaving and coming home over the summer but this is the big one and im off time again and my clapping cant find the beat. i want to touch everyone i know another time before i leave. i missed saying goodbye to martha and oh i regret it. how can i do all the things that must be done in so little time? i need human contact more often than usual, something to plant me into my roots and some way to bring the skin of home away with me. this whole damn thing would be highlighted in red if i were in ms douglas' class, and off to the side id scribble fig lang. so what? that woman wont be messing with my life anymore. now i am jolting my own. i had a little panic attack a day or two ago and i hoped i had gotten it out of my system but im still fidgety, teary, quick tempered, and desperate to hold. any things, jake, people, myself, pillows, books, my breath, still. i crave affection. god, please, someone be near me. stay close to me.

nights like these

i feel like giving up

nights like these

i dont seem to count for much

beer tastes like blood

my mouth is numb

i cant make the words i need to say