25 December 2006

hark! how the bells

today christmas was very good. no surprises. i asked for a digital camera, the second season of lost, something that would play my ipod in the car, and a ymca membership, and i got a digital camera, the second season of lost, something that will play my ipod in the car, a ymca membership, and a comforter to go in my duvet cover, plus candy. also, drew gave me harold and kumar and my grandmother came over for christmas for the first time in a lot of years that she has felt well enough to come. she gave me sixty dollars, which means that i can go to the bluff city ball on new years eve if anyone wants to go? i probably wont, but its nice to dream.

i like christmas a bunch.

is anyone having a new years eve party i can go to, or should i just plan one myself?

22 December 2006

and im free! like the wind! like im gonna live forever!

yesterday was the last day of school. yesterday was the last day of school! yesterday morning i made Ultimate Sadness because i wanted to listen to hallelujah during exams, and i did. ms wexler never even suspected. on the way to class at 7.29 i saw everyone i know almost late too. i found out that my first love, chesley, goes to white station. he had a rat tail in kindergarten and he liked morgan and i was so jealous! he doesnt look the same. in government i took the exam very fast to get that shit over with, then i read harry potter five, the best one, for a while, then the class watched hercules, then the bell rang and it was over. in the parking lot michael neimeyer and i traded one earphone with each other and listened to huun-huur-tu and eye of the tiger at the same time. it was perfect.

bekka came home with me and we decided to bring back the meat pies for the holiday party, so we spent hours with loud music and frantic baking and piled the pies and some muffins and some gingerbread-man-shaped muffins into a big basket. i stuck my head under the shower and curled my hair and it was brilliant! and we headed off.

the neimeyer house is huge, first off, and i drove the whole way with my skirt caught in the car door. i got narnia chapstick in the white elephant swap, and soon the party moved to the upstairs of the neimeyer garage. everyone was everywhere! and we turned off the lights and everyone was somewhere else. there was breakdancing but no music.

too soon it was eleven and i drove bekka to my house where she was retrieved by her parents. in the car it was raining hard and it was dark and foggy in the windows and on poplar i was afraid. but we made it!

last night i dreamed i was trying to brush my teeth while driving, and i dreamed i was dancing in a line with lena and someone else and i was watching us in the reflection in a window, and i dreamed i was at camp and someone convinced me to climb a mountain. today i woke up to my dad hammering on my window-- he is putting up the christmas lights, which he didnt do last year. today we are going to decorate the tree. we put a blinky-nose rudolph on top every year, instead of a star. we call him rudy
.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

today i am supposed to maybe see eragon with annebel; we'll see how that goes. tomorrow is festivus. im very excited. christmas is very very close and i havent gotten morgan or eileen or my dad anything yet, but i will.

here is my to-do list for the break:
-get presents for morgan, eileen, dad
-learn my lines
-read wicked
-get the poisonwood bible
-clean my room
-have a lot of fun
-watch the lord of the rings extended versions
-finish artemis fowl two and read the third one
-read ten little indians or something else from my very full books-i-havent-read-yet shelf
-thats it.

21 December 2006

you guys!

what if people had HANDS for EYES?

20 December 2006

My history exam is over.

my semester average, based on actual mathematics:
[(93 + 95 + 91) * 2 + 86] / 7 = 92

my semester average, based on mr stephensons mathematics:
[(93 + 95 + 91) * 2 + 86] / 7 = 93

what a nice man.


aaron burr could be alan rickmans great great grandrelative.

19 December 2006

I've seen your flag on the marble arch

I just downloaded three different versions of Hallelujah and none of them is anywhere near Jeff Buckley's.

15 December 2006

when my brother was a toddler he had little red suspenders.

last weekend i found the cedar chest full of my childhood. my green dress that i will give to my first daughter, the shirt from my first play, little hats and socks. this week was so bad, and so so long, everything that happened was bad, except rehearsal for bang bang youre dead. when i got in i was excited but i was expecting to be a little reluctant to get up and go rehearse, but everything is so good. when i think about the show i get the feeling behind my lungs like used to come when i read stories about myself. i look forward to getting up and going to rehearsal tomorrow and im sad we dont have another one after that till january 4th. today on the way home it was me ryan lauren josh and kristen all in laurens tiny car again, and i let ryan find out my secret through inductive reasoning, and he laughed hard, but i told him not to tell. we blocked the first 15 pages today and honestly i am thrilled about getting to use my talent for falling down dead convincingly that i havent been able to use since i was in the pit and the pendulum sometime in the 20th century. nathan ramia is 9th in his class and he is not stuck up. three life points for nathan. lauren fed us cheese and chocolate and diet coke. my favorite flower is a yellow rose because it is yellow and a rose. the window man at high point coffee has a birthmark under his right eye and he is charismatic. today we and hattie discussed how a nickel and a penny is the same as six pennies. hattie and i believe charisma is a very important attribute. last night i did precalculus for eight hours and slept for two hours.

13 December 2006

tonight was the first rehearsal

for bang bang youre dead.

uhm. im pretty excited. about the show. and my role. and the cast. and everything. im emily, ryan is josh, hattie is jessie, jenee is katie, josh sigler is matt, nathan ramia is michael.

ALL
Hold the anchovies!

no but really. this is a serious show.

EMILY
Hope I didn't disappoint you in the cafeteria this morning. Hope I died just right for you, Josh.
JOSH
You didn't have to fall on me and get me all bloody.
EMILY
Want to see it again? --Go on. Shoot me again.

09 December 2006

i dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyy...

when hope was high and life worrrth livinnnnng.
i dreamed that love would never diiiiiiiie
i dreamed that god would be forrrgivinnnnng.

no really.

last night i dreamed my house was set up like it was when i was five before we had a computer, and i got engaged to spencer on a whim, and i didnt really want to marry him, but i didnt say anything because i was excited about the prospect of engagement, and because it was several years till the wedding and i was hoping he would break it off sometime in the interval. one night i came home and my dad yelled at spencer because i didnt have my jacket on.

and i was playing rizzos understudy in grease at the time and i was terrified because it was understudy night and i didnt know the lines in sandra d and everyone just kept talking to me about the engagement and the stage was a combination of the white station stage and the overton stage and i went to sit behind the curtain to wait for my scene, and there was TONS of talking backstage so lilla (apparently to quell the noise) kept pulling the curtain open and i was so furious with her because she was ruining the show, and she said it was a totally respectable way to make people stop talking backstage, but everytime she did it there were fewer and fewer people in the audience until everyone and all the actors and everyone had left except me, lilla, ms regan, ryan, and newman.

so i freaked out and sat on the steps and i asked ryan if there was some bizarre theatre etiquette that would let lilla do that, and he said no way, but that ms regan was going to let ryan put the show on the next week at the pond at the middle school which was really grahamwood, it was just understood that it was the middle school, even though the pond was frozen and looked like a beach. he said that i could play rizzo because the girl who had the part didnt want to do the show anymore (it wasnt amanda tittle) because of what lilla did, and ryan was going to get brad jackson to play eugene.

i went outside the auditorium and it was this little old western town like in clint eastwood movies but a little less dusty and i was going to buy stationery for the wedding invitations and inside the store was a bunch of potato sacks and a ladder up to the loft, so i climbed up the ladder in this old timey gingham dress and then i woke up.

08 December 2006

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is seventeen degrees outside.

05 December 2006

The Last Unicorn

When the last eagle flies, over the last crumbling mountain
And the last lion roars, at the last dusty fountain
In the shadow of the forest, though she may be old and worn
They will stare--unbelieving--at the last unicorn

When the first breath of winter, through the flowers is icing
And you look to the north, and a pale moon is rising
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
In the distance hear the laughter, of the last unicorn

Im alive
Im alive

When the last moon is cast, over the last star of morning
And the future has passed, without even a last desperate warning
Then look into the sky, where through the clouds a path is torn
Look and see her, how she sparkles, its the last unicorn

Im alive
Im alive

04 December 2006

that good weekend feeling goes away so fast

my homework for the week so far.

APUS test tomorrow, government test tomorrow
german project due wednesday
government project due thursday, latin test thursday
latin project due friday, government article due friday
ten chapters of as i lay dying every night
APUS homework, every night, until i die.

i have never wanted a snow day more in my whole life than i want one right now, and it is going to be mostly sunny for the next week and a half at least. cold, and sunny.

everybody knows
IT SUCKS TO GROW UP
and everybody does

03 December 2006

friday - sunday

on friday annebel came home with me and we took a nap because gilmore girls didnt come on. thats about all we did. nothing with friends is very nice after a long week. we had pizza for dinner at like 845.

last night was my daddys sixtieth birthday party. there was a man there who looked just like max medina but older. he could have been maxs much older brother or just barely his dad. it was okay but everyone there was forty years older than me at least, so i invited hattie over. o, it was so nice. whatever has changed in hattie is so good. we spent hours and hours in my room sitting and talking about middle school and cracking up. we looked at every picture on my computer. we watched blood drips on newsies square. we read old fanfictions. i forgot that the party was going on right outside, and she stayed until 1 in the morning. i have missed her even though i see her every day in fifth and sixth. four hours of socialization without any distractions. we did not talk about homework or history or anything about school except how silly our teachers are.

today was/is spencers birthday. i went to bookstar to get as i lay dying, but they didnt have it so i got a new journal and a hot chocolate. then to davis kidd where they had several copies, and i also got 12 songs for spencer. that is one of the best albums i own. among my favorites of all time. i hope you enjoy it spencer. cory branan is my hero. then we went to see happy feet (again for me) and it was so cold even just on the walk from the car to the theatre, but the movie was good. we went to dinner at amerigo and it was pretty good. im very full.

thank god for this weekend. im going to do a little precal (maybe) and read something for latin and thats it. i dont have to write an essay. do you hear me?

i dont have to write an essay.

01 December 2006

This almost says what I want it to, but not quite.

Letters About Literature.


Natalie Babbitt:

When I was ten years old, all I did was leave the fourth grade and come into the fifth grade. It’s not a very pivotal change, fourth to fifth grade. In fact, I think it is decidedly less important than most others. Coming into first grade is a huge step, as are starting fourth, sixth, and seventh. In eighth grade you are the oldest kids at the school, and you don’t get that again for a while. As I have learned so far, in high school every year is critical. The change into grades named with words instead of numbers; the change out of being a freshman; the move into the upper classes; and finally, seniority.

Among all the transitions in youth, fourth to fifth grade means next to nothing. Ten years old means next to nothing in the year 2000. Ten years old for me in 2000 is so unimportant, so nonessential, so lifeless, compared to ten years old in 1880. When I was ten years old I was fuming about wearing a uniform to school the next year.

When Winnie Foster was ten years old, she was making the decision between mortality and infinity. She was ten years old and falling in love with a beautiful boy who was ninety-four years her senior. How could Winnie have grasped the concept of so many years? Ninety-four years is probably longer than you or I will live, though we all want to be a hundred. I try to imagine how Winnie feels when she pours the bottle out on the toad, or how the fibers and ligaments in Jesse’s arms and hands strain when he hugs her during the storm, and I know that nothing I have ever felt can give me the experience to empathize with their pain and strength, but I can hear Jesse’s soft voice in Winnie’s ear, and I can feel the slant in the rain and the electricity in the air around them.

I have read about Jesse Tuck and Winnie Foster three times, and I have built my ideas of time and sacrifice on their experiences. I am very young as humans go, and I hope I live to be a hundred, but I know I won’t. I will maybe make eighty and that’s the end. Sixty-four years left.

But I have built my life out of stones, and some of them are huge, some don’t fit, and some are perfect. I have built my life out of rocks, and a few of them are the Tucks. I know they’ll never go because they’re stuck. The Tuck rocks are not just to fill in the spaces between boulders; they are foundations of walls. They are necessary to hold the rest of it up. They are my Atlas, holding up the fragile earth.

Recent studies have theorized that an asteroid that has been hanging around our solar system for a while could hit earth in about thirty-five years. If this huge rock hits our little planet, it could kill everyone, they say. But it couldn’t kill the Tucks. Nothing can. When the world ends, Natalie, when earth breaks apart and the atmosphere dissolves, what will become of Jesse? What will become of Miles, of Tuck and Mae? When the world cracks and fire rains down from the clouds and all the humans die, where will the Tucks be? I see them thrust out into space on an ocean evaporating behind their heels, torn apart like the continents below them, to live forever choking and freezing alone in the vast night, praying for some greater power to take mercy on them and let them die.

In the endless frozen darkness, how do the Tucks go on? Do they spend their days scratching at their icy limbs, tearing at their own eyes and necks in futile attempts at suicide? Or do they swim about in the thick nothingness, searching for each other, hopeful though there is no hope? In a thousand years Mae will force her eyes open and see Miles close enough to touch. In a thousand more years Jesse and Angus will see human-shaped shadows and become frantic and meet each other. When the last thousand has passed, they will be together again. The unbeatable Tucks will have all gone insane millennia ago, but their joy will defrost the tips of their fingers, and so they will brush against each other for months until their knuckles interlock and freeze. The chain of Tucks will wander the universe, minds long gone, for the rest of time. They are rocks. They cannot be broken.

Angus Tuck says you can’t have living without dying.

Whether it can be called living or not, I hope to exist like the Tucks. Hopeful though there is no hope.

Sara Stephens

30 November 2006

poookokihu8otgdv (8:05:45 PM): LETS GO
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:05:57 PM): name the locale-- my bags are already packed.
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:23 PM): BERLIN
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:24 PM): NOW
poookokihu8otgdv (8:06:26 PM): LETS GO
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:06:23 PM): ALRIGHT!
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:06:31 PM): kreuzberg!
poookokihu8otgdv (8:07:02 PM): COME ON
poookokihu8otgdv (8:07:06 PM): times a'wastin
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:08:35 PM): lemme call luftanza
poookokihu8otgdv (8:09:03 PM): okay!
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:09:52 PM): they say they've got two tickets in first class, but only if we're willing to share the cabin with stacy and clinton
ThinkOfSnuvs (8:09:55 PM): and not pay money
poookokihu8otgdv (8:10:28 PM): YESPLEASE

28 November 2006

hack hack

this cough ive had since saturday has been different every day. saturday it was new, sunday it was wet and full and the worst. yesterday it kept me awake and made me taste dayquil for hours and hours. today a little of that hung over into morning, but now its just the sort of cough where you feel like youre not getting anything accomplished when you cough. its dry and heavy and it makes my chest hurt.

but looking up, ive been able to breathe through my nose almost all day. and at least i dont have scarlet fever. or frank mccourt disease like alex bransford does.

geschichte ist langweilig.

21 November 2006

o tempora! o mores!

this week was short, and its a good thing too. i couldnt have handled much more. the two days were spent frantic and tired, moreso than usual.

today after school i went to schnucks with my mother and bought egg nog and turkey and chocolate chess pie. on the way home the radio was playing christmas music and i felt better for a little while.

but when i got home, drew was there, and so now i feel totally useless. the four hours i spent trying so hard to prepare him for his math test apparently meant nothing. it was like helen keller and anne sullivan, but without the epiphany at the water spigot. nothing got through, i guess.

he failed it.

im going to bed. dont wake me up, please.

19 November 2006

Counselor Certification

= love.

eileen said it would be terrible but she was wrong. i spent a weekend getting exhausted and learning how to do something i want to do. i got to see danielle and troy and allyson and rachel ross and sing river of life till my legs ached and ached. i have accomplished something pretty cool, and i have a new shirt to prove it.

CERTIFIED CAMP COUNSELOR.

yes.

13 November 2006

today i spent two hours tutoring my brother in math. he is in college. he cant take any more courses in college until he passes this class. he cant understand how to add negatives. i am so afraid that he will fail it and give up and drop out and be like my mother but never go back like she did. i love my brother and i want him to be okay and graduate. he is not a student; he was not made to take tests. i was. he was made to make things. to make people laugh and clap and to make theatre happen, but hes gotten out of theatre and all he wants is to pass this class and finish college and just be doing okay and be independent. i am doing all i can but there is too much to teach and too little time and the wrong brain. i need more time. i cant believe im worried about anything when my brother has so much to worry about, just passing college, and his rent, and a job, and interviewing for another job, and the heat in his house not working. i will help him and it will be okay. he will graduate and i know he will be okay.

i cant believe i was so upset that ms wexler gave me an 88. whats so bad? i mean, im a little upset because she didnt grade the frederick douglass test, and because we dont really get papers back in there, but i deserved an 88. i didnt read the sun also rises, so i failed the test, so i got a B. plus, its AP. how can i be flustered over an 88 in AP when my brother passed standard math in high school with Ds and he is struggling so hard in hope of the distant possibility he will get over a 60?

we take life too seriously at white station. why should the effect of one test make me want to throw a chair through ms wexlers window? why cant we get out of this life of numbers and capital letters and listen to what is important? words and actions and feelings and dizziness. all of this is what we should be studying. lets study literature, ms wexler, not memorize events in the pages of books. lets learn to be thankful for our minds and not misuse them by fretting over little things like an 88 or by copying words from a powerpoint about proprietary colonies and the three parts of the constitution. lets learn something useful for the betterment of our minds, not for the betterment of our test scores.

i know i will never be able to live that way.

i was made to take tests and i cant stop caring about them. but i have acheived this: i have an 88 in AP english and that is okay. i will make up for it. i will be okay. it is not going to kill me. it is not okay to throw GPA to the wind and let my grades go to hell for the sake of an experience, but it is okay to get a B sometimes. college will understand. my friends will still love me. i will still love me.

08 November 2006

Help?

i need to cut ninety-three words from North Dakota for my gov school application and it still needs to be the best thing ive ever written. suggestions?

[EDIT: i got it down to 363. i cant bear to cut it any more. governors school will just have to deal with 63 extra words.]

05 November 2006

Who are you, Kelly Green, with your head between your knees?

kelly green sold out tonight.

SOLD.

OUT.

do you understand?

i dont.

02 November 2006

Morgan's Birthday is in a Few Hours

so, in celebration, here is the poem i wrote her in ninth grade.

For My Friend Morgan, Who When We Were
five

or six hid with me in my treehouse
to escape a robot dressed up
as her sister
by my brother
in pillowcases
and laughed without making a sound.
Who when we were five
taught me how to really appreciate the glory that is Hanson
without ever hearing their music.
Who watched with me the same stupid movie every day
so we wouldn't upset the characters.
Who for four years
didn't see me once,
but managed to still love me when we were nine
or ten.

For my friend Morgan who when we were

nine or ten
read Tolkien with her dad because someone was making a movie
and showed me that a Beatle is not a bug or a car
but a god.
Who told me secrets, like
how she was really older, and
Who built dollhouses with shoeboxes
and made her own dolls for them
better than any doll or house in a store
and sweeter for the effort.
Who played with me at lunch
the same stupid games every day
because I loved them.

For my friend Morgan who when we were

fourteen and fifteen
stayed up until tomorrow
with caffeine and cookies and me
to talk into a computer mic over and over and over
so it would be perfect,
and who covered her room from floor to ceiling
with pictures
like the sun, and couples, and her friends,
and a lonely plum
because it helps her blend in
to be surrounded by beautiful things.
Who taught me that "hate" is a pretty strong word,
and that sometimes it's not a sin to change your mind
and that claiming two celebrities as my own isn't fair
and that All You Need Is Love.

For my friend Morgan who, now we are both fifteen,
bought me a yellow rose on my birthday
and slyly kidnapped me with a bomb
disguised as a cake.
Who listens to the same stupid complaints every day
even when I exaggerate
because Lord knows,
I love talking
and she loves me.

28 October 2006

a very long paragraph

yesterday in the afternoon, at the end of the afternoon, right before it becomes night and the light from outside the window is grey and blue, i read some of martha parks web journal and i was overwhelmed by it. we have only been friends for a very short time but i think she is one of the most phenomenal human beings i have ever met. i wish she were happier. i wish everyone were happier. on the way to kelly green it was raining and i listened to josh groban and i cried all the way there, i dont know why. i couldnt see out the rear window and the rain was everywhere and i was so afraid, of the rain, the window, the play, my lines, my legs, high school, everything below my skin. there is something wrong with me this fall and i wish someone would tell me what it was so i could fix it. maybe when fall ends and it is really winter it will go away. maybe it will stay forever like the scratches on my knees. i need to get out of highschool and do something frivolous and exhausting. i need to be sleepless and kiss a boy or smoke some pot or get very very drunk but i know i wont do any of those things because i am afraid of all of them. i hate alcohol and im not ready to screw myself up with drugs and there are no boys who want to kiss me. i will have to be content with being sleepless. kelly green was a tornado last night and everybody loved it, i loved it. we got through and after curtain call i danced to where is the love even though i hate dancing because at the momos ball sean hines told me i looked stupid and i wanted to kick him and break his bones. we went to ihop and i sat across from ryan masson and shared my pancakes with strawberry syrup. i always knew he was beautiful but i am so glad he did kelly green because if he hadnt i would never have known what he is like in real life. what would happen if i stopped doing everything? if i stopped going to school and doing homework and eating, and just went to ihop with my friends and laughed? if i stopped eating and found a field to run through and found a pen to write with and found a play to act in? if i never eat again, then will you love me? i dont know who i am or what i believe, but i know that i am happy when it is late and i am laughing and talking. i went to sarah mercers house and it was so nice to sleep in her bed because she is comfortable sleeping in contact with me, with my elbow on her arm and her leg touching my hip. i love human contact and i want to always feel someone elses body touching mine. im not implying what a teenager would infer. i love holding hands and hugging people and wrapping my arms around shoulders and feeling human hands in my hair.

24 October 2006

production week

morgan and eileen,

i dont know how you do it. "i am stretched to the breaking point over all this!" you are doing so much more stuff than i am and getting so much less sleep and you are still going going going. you guys are my heroes. you surpass me at all times. try to get some sleep.

--sara

20 October 2006

Dear Savannah Self,

WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE THAT A MAN CANNOT MARRY THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IF IT IS ANOTHER MAN?

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT THE BIBLE HAS THE POWER TO CONTROL THE LAWS OF THIS DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY, EVEN WHEN THEY GO SO FAR AS TO DENY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THE FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS GRANTED TO THEM IN THE VERY FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE US CONSTITUTION, WRITTEN TO GUARANTEE EVERY HUMAN HIS INALIENABLE CIVIL LIBERTIES?

WHO ARE YOU TO DENY SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?

WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

WHO ARE YOU TO INSIST THAT MORGAN JON FOX, ANDREW GARNER, OR BROCK TERWILLIGER IS LESS WORTHY OF MARRIAGE THAN YOU OR ME?

GET OUT OF MY FACE, SAVANNAH SELF. YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO ANYONE, AND YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS ARE SO CONTRADICTORY, I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF EVERY DAY. JUDGE NOT, SAVANNAH SELF, LEST YE BE JUDGED.

I CANT GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD THAT WHEN YOU DIE AND SKIP UP TO THE PEARLY GATES UNCONCERNED, SAINT PETER WILL LOOK UP YOUR NAME IN HIS BOOK AND SAY, "SAVANNAH SELF? OH, IM SORRY, YOU ARE INTOLERANT, JUDGMENTAL, HYPOCRITICAL, AND UNFAIR. YOUR ROOM IS DOWNSTAIRS."

REGARDS,
SARA

17 October 2006

'Neath the shadow of the PSAT I am bound to write something like this.

so, the PSAT is tomorrow. the pea-ess-ay-tea. the pssatt. actually its the PSAT/NMSQT. that is, the preliminary scholastic aptitude test / national merit scholarship qualifying test. the difference between the sat and the psat is such: the sat i can take again. the psat, this time, tomorrow morning, means i either get a 215+ and get national merit qualified, or i get a 214- and i dont. its that simple. no getting around it. and im worried. why? because i dont know how to do math, thats why.

in other news, i was wrong, autumn. i dont like you. you lead to winter and as soon as its not hot every day this "condition" comes back. and i hate it. and its your fault, autumn. fall. i will have to cut my fingernails short soon and keep them that way till april at least. you suck, autumn. we are no longer friends.

the psat people say the most important thing is to get a good nights sleep.

good night.

12 October 2006

Jonathan Edwards Style HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE Sermon about WSHS for AP English

(to be read in your best GOD WILL SMITE YOU voice.)

HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!

In the beginning, God created the classroom and the hall, but over the years, this holy sanctuary has been infiltrated by you, the disciples of Satan, whose foul feet blemish the wrong side of the hall and hobble through the incorrect door—into the gates of hell, as slowly as if Lucifer's demons themselves clung to your ankles, grabbing maliciously at your hems and jerking your britches tantalizingly low. You Devil's children do wholeheartedly invoke the wrath of almighty God with your evil deeds, calling the Savior to rain down his fury upon your unworthy heads.
God's wrath is as horrifying as Mr. Brown scurrying down the checkered hallway with the walk of expulsion, chanting, "It WAS going to be an awesome, awesome day, White Station," in a soft voice. He will soon grasp your belt, point a finger to the sky, and proclaim, "To infinity, and beyond!" before dragging you off by your ear to the pits of hell, or actually just ISS in the auditorium lobby. There, you shall spend an eternity in silence and grief, woefully scribbling the decrees of that Ol' Deluder on stones with your own blood.

Wish you to avoid this fate and walk in the light of God? Nay, though you howl and cry, your screams are lies, hiding your sins. Upon leaving this congregation, the multitudes of you shall enter the halls and damn yourselves without delay with your tongues shouting meaningless obscenities between classes. For this you shall be punished by having your mouth washed out with soap for a thousand millennia in hell. Your stumblings through the corridor in linear groups of five and six will gain you forty lifetimes of waiting behind Mr. T., the Rock, and the Governator in line for the bathroom. Endless detention awaits those who dishonor themselves by skipping class to smoke in the halls, the parking lot, or the gym, whether senior or east!

The eye of God is upon you when you sit to fill your bellies with strange meats and vegetables. Ne'er shall more than eight bodies populate a single table, nor trash be left beyond the Bell, nor neither food nor any other item be thrown across the room, lest the guilty party wish to spend all the days of the earth scraping gum from 'neath the very desk of Satan himself.

In the classroom, ye masses who borrow pencils, pens, quills, hair ties, or erasers must return them post haste, for to borrow without returning is to steal, and Almighty God thinks no more of a thief than of a murderer or a gnat. Ye filthy masses beg for hell whene'er you demand the blessing of paper whilst you have your own. This offense deserves and shall receive no less castigation than a paper cut every hour 'til Judgment Day.

If you should think you have some escape from hellfire, consider yourselves should you daily mount your metal monsters to drive to this once sacred place. Should ye dare not park betwixt the saintly white lines so graciously provided you by your God in heaven whom you have forsaken, he will forsake you in turn, leaving you to die a thousand deaths by rogue football to the throat. You who selfishly refuse to let others in the line to journey home after the final Bell, you who with windows down play repetitive and inarticulate music at maximum volume, seek ye NOT the kingdom of God—there is no hope for you in escaping damnation, for you are but scum in the eyes of the Lord.

Listen, children, for you who stand on the edge of the bowels of hell have only one chance to turn around and enter the Up Only Staircase toward heaven—immediate repentance and immediate reform. RESPECT your fellow heathens: lighten your attitudes, for he whose outlook is hellishly low shall soon join his mind in the unceasing fire. RESPECT your education by abstaining from that abominable breach of trust known as cheating. RESPECT your peers' personal space—never lower yourself to the barbaric acts of disrespect of poking, pulling, and the grabbing of others' backsides, especially if you do not know them. RESPECT those who excel in their studies and the grades they earn for their toils. RESPECT your instructors' right to instruct class, RESPECT your classmates' right to arrive in class on time, and finally, RESPECT MY FRESH.

Amen.

09 October 2006

i went to florida

my gay great aunt kitty's rude life partner madge thinks my name is katharine.

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put ya stunna shades on.

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the waves crash on the sand, there's a storm that will break any second.

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my feet, drews feet, the ocean.

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i like my family. dad mom drew.

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"what the hell was that?"

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this sunset was about eighteen thousand times greater in real life than it is in this picture.

and finally...

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the rock should win an oscar for his stunning job in DOOM, the greatest movie ever to exist, in which he costars with eomer and they have very big guns.

03 October 2006

hi.

mr williams just cancelled novus forever.

28 September 2006

It feels so good to go to a school that makes me feel so safe and comfortable every day.

me: *walks toward class with morgan*
scary kid: *pokes me (hard) and points at his friend* he say he wanna get with you.
me: thats fabulous *continues walking*
scary kids friend: i heard you suck dick!
morgan: (o my god!)
me: *speeds up, approaches andrew lu* andrew, you see that group of boys behind me?
andrew: yeah
me: would you mind going over there and beating them up?
andrew: sorry, im pretty sure they could take me.


i hate this place.

27 September 2006

im aware it should be IMpure.

gentleness is everywhere.
fear is in your head--
only in your head
so forget your head
and youll be free

the writings on the wall
freeeeeeee and you can do it all
if you choose.
just remember
lovers never lose
cause they are free of thoughts unpure
and of thoughts unkind.

gentleness clears the soul
love will clear your mind
and make you freeeeeeee

--David Bowie
(makes life okay)

22 September 2006

das Wochenende!

today is friday. today is friday! thank god. i am feeling a little better about my life. today had a few horrible things, but it was mostly way better.

BAD
  • got assigned two projects that are due on the same day
  • for lunch i had a cookie and three aspirins that only served to move me from just in pain to in pain and disoriented.
  • we got assigned a dbq essay in APUS that i just know is going to SUCK.
  • mr e still doesnt understand that the up stairwell and the down stairwell do not apply after school and continues to force me to go eighteen miles out of my way to get to my locker at the time of day when i feel least like moving.

however!

GOOD

  • german quiz went fabulously
  • precal homework wasnt due (i havent done it) and i got back a 72 out of 72 on that stupid homework on domain and range.
  • ms wexler now loves me. (we were talking about foreign language night at the football game and i said if i went i would be in a toga with a german sign, and ms wexler was like, "what?" and i told her i was taking german and latin. she said that was great and asked if i was going to major in foreign language. i said i might minor in it but i was going to major in english because i wanted to be an english professor. because i do. she goes, "thats great!" and BEAMS for about three seconds. which is a long time for a beam.)
  • got back three 100 test scores in wexler too. yay summer work saving me from the scarlet letter test on which i most certainly did not succeed
  • presented my latin project (done in about an hour last night), and ms lafon adored it because she loves me and everything else in the world.
  • presented government project too with katie parry and carlizzle. we got a 300 points to divide up and carlisle gave himself a 90 so katie and i could get 105s because he felt like he didnt do anything. how freakin chivalrous is that?

so again, im feeling better. and im going to apply for the memphis in may exchange program. 15 kids get to go to spain in march for like 10 days for free. if i get it ill be in spain on my 17th birthday. that would be the greatest ever. like seriously.

i think tonight i might get some of my not-too-hard but tedious homework done. i have to make a family tree in german and that precal worksheet. maybe ill work on my essay rewrite for wexler. who knows! exciting.

also, "we need to be a learning environment that is conducive to learning." --mr brown

jetzt es ist das wochenende! spitze!

20 September 2006

Blogging again

scarlet letter test tomorrow.

im on about page eleven.
have to read for APUS.
some german.
precal? i dont even know.

latin project due friday.
have i started? no.
am i going to start tonight? no.

in my ideal tonight, i take a shower, eat spaghetti, start wicked (again), drive to geekers, watch swing kids, and go to bed at 930. in my real tonight i print and read and study the scarlet letter sparknotes, make a mad attempt to absorb whatever im reading for APUS, do german, forget precal, and go to bed at probably 1130. no, ill be in bed by 11. ill find a way.

last night i fell asleep on the crucible sparknotes. i didnt read that either. i woke up at 1250 and frantically tried to finish them, but i couldnt keep the words from moving around and jumbling themselves, so i gave up. i forgot to close my highlighter and now on my sheets there are about eight big round yellow highlighter stains, like yellow lights telling me to slow down. that is a bad simile but that is what i was thinking at 630 this morning frantically trying to finish them again. i finished in third period.

yesterday there was a roach about six inches away from me next to my locker and i had to get a freshman to kill it because im a sissy.
me: AH! ...excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to step on that for me?
freshman boy: sure.
cockroach: *crunch*
me: thanks very much.

there are ants in my locker. i find one in a textbook once or twice a week. theyre reddish brown and very small. they are probably harmless. but they have no business being in my locker.

this weekend, i would like to go see a movie.

mandy moore cannot hit the notes in this recording of suddenly seymour to which i am listening right now. adam pascal, conversely, sounds wonderful.

today we had a pop-essay in APUS.
thats sort of like a pop-quiz, except we sort of had some idea it was coming. and its an essay.

i dont really know what im getting at here.

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18 September 2006

Someday soon we will get a day off from school and I'll stop sounding like I need to be on antidepressants.

i feel like i never move.
all day i go up and down stairs and into and out of classrooms
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the first floor
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the second floor
i go to the third floor.

all day i walk and sit and listen and scribble like the mad hatter
and in the afternoon i walk into and out of parking lots
into and out of my bedroom
into and out of the kitchen
and still i feel like i never move.
every time i stand up it is to get to a place where i will sit down and scribble
like the mad hatter
mad scribbler
mad mad mad
words on paper.

i never move and i am always tired.
i get up and im tired
walk up and down stairs tired
go home tired
scribble at home tired
go to sleep tired (eventually)
and i get up and im tired.

i am tired of walking up and down stairs and never moving and always being tired.
i am tired of writing my name on my paper
i am tired
of my hips and my arms and my stomach
all feeling the same between my thumb and pointer finger.
i am tired of raising my hand
touching my face
tying my shoes
sliding down
pulling my hair
curling my toes.

i intend to jump and breathe at the same time
i intend to sleep until i wake up
not until i am woken up
i intend to be beautiful, fabulous, talented
i intend to be walking up and down stairs for ten more years, at least.
all that matters is that i sleep
(and i will
but when i wake up
i will still be tired)

17 September 2006

Junior Year

poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:40 PM): still havent started my govt project
Ho Swansea (8:27:45 PM): hahah me neither
Ho Swansea (8:27:52 PM): but guess what happened today
poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:58 PM): what happened?
Ho Swansea (8:28:24 PM): I started crying during the trailer for angels in the outfield at the part where they all flap their arms like wings
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:34 PM): OMG
Ho Swansea (8:28:42 PM): kjhadashgjhd
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:45 PM): freaking yesterday i cried during sister act.
Ho Swansea (8:28:49 PM): s,jfhsdkfhskjfh
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:17 PM): you know, cause the little nun was like, "SERAPHIIIIIM!"
Ho Swansea (8:29:39 PM): aw; ujaslkdja
Ho Swansea (8:29:49 PM): brett cried during the goofy movie
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:54 PM): aldebskjgbaelbwrklj
Ho Swansea (8:30:22 PM): morgan cried during it's a hard knock life
poookokihu8otgdv (8:30:43 PM): what is our collective damage?
Ho Swansea (8:31:30 PM): I have no idea
Ho Swansea (8:31:32 PM): junior year
poookokihu8otgdv (8:31:43 PM): has got the best of us

13 September 2006

Destruction Part Two: Daytime

eileen and i went back this afternoon. here're the pictures i got.

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costumes.

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its weird that i remember a garbage can i havent seen in four years.

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i hate heavy machinery.

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the sky is so pretty.

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there were probably 100 little cards with owls.

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eileen is amazing.

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it can fold a door in half.

eileens are here. i am still really upset. i havent even started my homework. what a piece of work.

12 September 2006

They Tore Down the Theatre

the lucille ewing childrens theatre. ewings. ct. the theatre.

my theatre.
they tore it down.

in summer 2003 straight line winds knocked an enormous hole in its roof. four months later, they covered the hole with a tarp. it blew off.

three years later, they tore it down. what was once my first home away from home (even before lakeshore, there was the theatre) is now a series of mounds. of dirt and metal. wood, chairs, doors. debris.

i used to spend entire days there. sundays. a morning show, a sack lunch, an afternoon show. i used to spend afternoons there. three afternoons a week almost every week for six years. i played thorin, an egg, the artful dodger, half a copy machine. and what now? a series of piles of dirt and metal.

when they tore it down i was singing. i didnt know. i wasnt there. i was singing in a basement. i should have known to stop. i left and went immediately to the theatre. there was a fence up. i ignored it. trespassing doesnt count when the rubble was your first home away from home. i took pictures. tomorrow ill take more, in the light of day.

So hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on
and on
and on
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the perpetrator, monster, murderer.

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children theatre. no s.

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horror movie roller coaster: foundations, supports.

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a door that used to lead to the reception room. now to the ground.

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this chair was always broken, but it was never that broken. i took it.

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backstage sink.

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the end.

Principal Terry Brown, Master Public Speaker

"we had a good time with you in the halls yesterday."

09 September 2006

God Hates Ryan Masson's Face

but no one else does.

today was the first rehearsal for who is kelly green. and it was really good. it is going to be a good show and has a good cast, all sorts of people i like. andy harper, dunkan, newman, ryan masson, hairston, anna talley (who is at this point not in the show), of course morgan and eileen, kenny, kevon, and lots of OOV people who are cool. this is sounding really boring. im boring. ryan newman dunkan hairston a-tall and i went to hueys and afterwards loitered in the parking lot for a really long time. that sentence needed a lot of commas that it did not have.

ive been sick but im getting better. hooray for sunny d having 130% vitamin c per serving. that is so much vitamin c.

i basically sliced open my thumb trying to cut this really good ciabatta bread that has a very strong crust. it hurt.

im going to go find some chocolate, because i am an addict.

too bad this was really boring.

06 September 2006

one of the worst things in the world

is the dry heaves. ew. ew. ew. they make me feel gross.

i guess im getting sick. dammit.

30 August 2006

I Think I'll Assess My Life Right Now

why not? heres some things:
  • i hate that my fingernails always tear when im nowhere near a nail file.
  • i want college now. NOW.
  • i dont know what dating is like and i imagine all the good parts of it every day and ignore the fact that it has bad parts. i want to have the good parts.
  • i remember that i dont like my body literally forty to fifty times a day.
  • i think i have restless leg syndrome. like seriously.
  • i am not very good at math, i am just okay at math.
  • yesterday i wrote DIE DIE DIE on my ankle at the 11th grade assembly because every time mr brown talks i want to DIE DIE DIE.
  • i love life but i will love it a lot more when high school gets out of my face.
  • i care about my gpa and class rank a whole lot.
  • i think projects are useless.
  • i love to run really fast and i would love to run really fast really far for hours and hours and then fall down and go to sleep, but i cant.
  • going to sleep is probably my number one priority every night.
  • i love willifords.
  • i love driving and it would be really nice if i could get some insurance sometime soon. i love my green 92 toyota camry.
  • the single best moment of 2005 and the worst days of 2005 in my life both occurred at the botanic gardens.
  • i dont floss, and i probably will never start. "do you have any idea how hard it is to quit smoking?" "yeah, its as hard as it is to START FLOSSING."
  • i have a whole lot of shoes but i only wear about three pairs. four if you count my piggy slippers.
  • i frequently pretend im uncomfortable when i dont want boys to know im enjoying their fake joking affection.
  • i think nathaniel hawthorne was secretly a woman.
  • i really like the way the bottom of my tongue feels.
  • i think i appreciate my sense of touch more than most people do.
  • i am not going to quit novus until i leave the city, no matter who else quits. i like it.
  • "i believe you cant control or choose your sexuality."
  • im terrified of failure and being late to class and not being able to pay for college and dancing and never getting married and being caught with a cellphone at school.
  • i dont know how to deal with criticism.
  • i cant think of anything anyone has ever said to me that makes me feel more confident than when cookies told me north dakota was probably the third best thing he'd ever read.
  • i have horrendous posture.
  • i probably like you a lot.

28 August 2006

WTF.

HE DIDNT KISS HER.

I Make Ridiculous Latin Sentences.

LATIN
Sara Magistrae Lafon SPD. Hodie matri cibum parabam. Cras Cornelia et Matella stilum Marco dabunt. Ego quattuor stilos habeo. Ecce! Luna in caelo videtur! Parare nunc cenam volo. Vale!

ENGLISH
Sara to Ms. Lafon sends heartiest greetings. Today I have prepared food for my mother. Tomorrow Cornelia and Matella will give Marcus a pen. I have four pens. Look! The moon is seen in the sky! I want to prepare dinner now. Later!

(actually, vale means be strong, not later, but its basically like aloha.)

in other news, i now have four classes on the third floor of the annex. yes. i am now in honors precal. double yes. i now no longer have the weight of rhode island upon my shoulders.

KYLE XY SEASON FINALE TONIGHT.

23 August 2006

A Regression

heres my rotten day, in weird unhappy stream of consciousness type dribblydrabble.

the morning, by third i wanted to scream and red red and i hate not knowing. it put off my whole day, languages, short temper, frustration, jealousy, all day. by 2 i gave up and talked to everyone i could find, help please, ask someone else, so i did and i did and i did. im nervous, im afraid, im inferior. council, principality? why be so tedious? so i go and i ask and i rephrase, and almost nothing, come back tomorrow, probably not. it has nothing to do with you. no no no. so its hot and im running to the bathroom to the only place in this huge brick building with a little door i can close, and im running and its hot and i sit. and i sit and its hot and the water is hot and drip drops off my eyeballs and i have to hold my breath to breathe, to be quiet. so come back tomorrow. now the water is cold and drip drops out of the sink and all over my head, and i have to go home, and im sitting in the car and im home, chocolate, wasting time. i have no willpower or will to do what i need to do. i dont know what i need to do but i know this isnt it. i know if i keep doing what im doing it isnt what i need to be doing. there are too many people and no way to make .04% of someones problem matter because all my problem is is .04% of someone elses problem.

21 August 2006

Anyone else ever notice that Pocahontas has an Andalite nose?

15 August 2006

I think I'm legally obligated to do this every year.

so yesterday was the first day of school. duh you knew that. but yesterday my schedule was eight types of crazy, so ill do this today. are you ready? are you STEADY?! ARE YOU GO?!

1. homeroom, mr lewis, 3rd floor annex. okay, so, hes sweaty. like really. but anyway, we wont ever have it practically. anna talley, morgan, audrey. you know, the reg. but not derek. darn stuco homeroom.

2. honors german one, mr sturgis, 3rd floor annex. uhm, mostly i joined this class when my schedule was rearranged because the sturge is a hottie. wow, im a terrible person. but actually, i think i might learn some german now that hermmann the germmann is gonne. its a really small class. george williford is in it, but i think its because his schedule is wrong, so thatll probably change. otherwise, just ragan oliver and lots of freshman. and the sturgeon.

3. preAP precalculus, ms halfacre, 1st floor main (T stem). this will almost definitely be my hardest class. i think that math has finally caught up with me, and my years of psh-i-can-do-this in math are over. but ill be okay. a pretty good selection: merce, annebel, and borany at my table, plus chris, evan, and a kid who looks like brian nickol.

4. AP english language and composition, ms wexler, 1st floor main (T stem). its conveniently about three doors down from precal. wexler seems less scary then i first imagined. i predict this class will be a hakuna. matata, that is. no worries, that is. it has merce, alex bransford, and eldridge green.

5. honors latin three, ms lafon, 3rd floor annex. basically im really excited. i mean, we have a quiz tomorrow on declensions. i mean, i know declensions. i mean, im really excited about doing well in latin again. and its the only latin three class, so it has everyone still in latin from part deux: annebel, hattie, moore, shelbizzle, surosree, trey harness, etc. i have officially sat behind annebel in latin since grade eight. and since theres only one AP latin class, ill sit behind her again in AP for a five year run. amazing!

6. AP US history, mr stephenson, 3rd floor annex. mr stephenson is so cool. plus, his name is michael stephenson and my dads name is michael stephens. i told him that and he said "you trying to get more extra credit?" and laughed. AP US is going to be hard but great. im really glad im taking it. eileen, hattie, k.ho, nhat, derek, andrew lu, virginia hine. basically, 9.5 white kids and 14.5 asians and thats it. how exciting to be a minority. i love asians. except not the ones who are above me in class rank. like shawn pan, also in this class. when mr stephenson asked chi what his favorite movie was, chi said, "can i get a different question?" it was hilarious.

7. honors US government, ms sugarmon, 2nd floor main (sr gym end). today in government we wrote sugarmon a letter about ourselves and then divided into "north, south, east, and west personalities." i am so totally not concerned about this class being hard at all. i think it might be a little boring, but thats it. it has lane, eric neimeyer, eldridge, and hannah shaffer. next semester devin will be in my economics class in the portables with coach mcdugle. the treck from 3rd floor annex to portables is going to be LOADS of fun. except not.

well thats all. still no classes with morgan. (besides freshman english i havent had one with her since the sixth grade, and before that not since pre-k. the world is hell-bent on keeping us apart. but it will fail!) i have c lunch with everyone from my latin class plus lilla. so thats pretty good. this year is really looking up. i really hope i catch on in precal. i really hope my life continues to go this well for a while. today i saw nathan and peter for the first time since before summer. it was weird and nice. peter and i had this amazingly ought-to-be-on-film moment when he said "do you have ap physics?" and i said "do you have AP US?" at the same time and then we both said "no" at the same time. it was perfectly on point. it was like that one part in aladdin. "theyre after me! theyre after you?!" we high-fived.

12 August 2006

sometimes i think im on drugs

but then i wake up and it was a dream. like last night.

i was in a group of about ten people, and we were trying to see if there was a sign from above that somethingidontremember had happened/would happen/could happen, and apparently if it was so, there would be a "hot mark" (a burn? i dont know) on the back of someone with green eyes, which was just me and one other girl (it was the girl from camp with the weird style that changes every day), and she didnt have one but i did, and everyone got all nervous (as horses before a thunder storm).

then it cut to what were apparently the repercussions of that last scene, and it was buzz lightyear and woody climbing around this elaborate rectangular prism of what looked like the 3d pipes screensaver that comes with computers, and they were looking for something, but then someone hit a big red button, and the pipes turned into like a gazillion little rectangular white tiles, and woody and buzz were trapped inside! it was like they were part of the tiles. but buzz broke through the tiles with his tile head and the whole apparatus exploded and buzz and woody were floating around in this great expanse of blue with all this broken tile, and then woody spotted what they were looking for and started sort of swimming through the air toward it, but by the time he got there he was me and buzz was rider strong and there was someone else there too and we all had on scuba suits looking for this thing that i had just found, which turned out to be one red and one orange starburst.

so rider strong was trying to convince me that i shouldnt let this other guy who was there know i found the starbursts because he would take them and use them for evil. and it was all very gloomy and dramatic. so i hid the starbursts in my scuba suit and got out of the very large pool with the very dark water, and there were picnic tables with all the people from the beginning of the dream. then rider strong and the other guy got into this epic water battle. i dont know who won.

THEN suddenly i was at lakeshore on the couch thats in the library (only it was in the sunroom) with amelia and someone i dont know who goes to white station and someone else, and we were watching all of this happen on a really big tv. it was very intense, but suddenly it ended and it was apparently an episode of spongebob. and i fell off the couch and white station boy said to me, "why do they always play the intense and depressing episodes while we're here?" and i said, "i was just about to ask you exactly that." so he left and i told amelia we should go to sleep because we had to get up for breakfast.

and that was the end.

(questions? comments? analysis anyone?)

10 August 2006

I FINISHED I FINISHED I FINISHED O MY GOD ITS DONE

four books. fourteen essays. six maths.

OVER.

09 August 2006

Go for the Gold!

only nine essays to goooooo! or is it eight? who cares! its goin DOWN. aiaiai

05 August 2006

ITS DONE. OVER. FOREVER.

ladies and gentlemen, i am now unemployed. and unlike in the case of, say, malachy mccourt, in my case, this is a good thing. i will miss the money, but i have saved almost 600 dollars since november, so i think ill be okay. thats 12 bucks a week for the next year. approximately. and i will not miss having no saturdays. i MISS SATURDAYS. im really happy.

in other news since whenever, i bought all my school supplies today. pens, pencils, dry erase markers, paper, graph paper, folders, graphing calculator, organizer, etc. all i have left are binders (because they were too expensive at office depot even without tax) and my traditional annual PhD pencil. so hopefully tomorrow ill get to officemax for those. [UPDATE 7Aug06: binders check. pencil check.]

and let me tell you. as of right now, there are eight days and about two hours of summer left. i have that much time to do the following: (i am comforted by lists)
  1. preAP precal summer work. annebel and i started yesterday but, because we dont know how to work a graphing calculator, spent an hour and a half on the first problem and did not get done. but we're doing better now, and we're going to finish tomorrow, even if i have to call lauren huddleston and make her come over and help us. [UPDATE 6Aug06: done. basically.]
  2. finish hiroshima. i started it today and plan to get halfway through tonight. its only about 150 pages so i should finish tomorrow or monday. [UPDATE 8Aug06: done.]
  3. write an essay about hiroshima. that wont be very hard. two pages, ill do it monday. [UPDATE 8Aug06: done]
  4. write five essays/notes about the grapes of wrath. ill do two of them on monday and three on tuesday. see? i have a plan.
  5. write eight essays about the awakening. this scares me the most because i hated the awakening and i feel like nothing happened and the essays are boring. but ill do three on wednesday and three on thursday and two on friday.

this is the worst case scenario. mom thinks i can be done by tuesday but i dont have faith in myself. we'll see. by friday at the latest, according to plan, ill be done. and ill have the last weekend of summer to spend with anyone else who managed to finish their summer work with a weekend left. and saturday night at say about six which is when i would normally go to work, morgan and eileen, lets get calzones.

THE PAIRRRERRR OF THREE!

i believe in us.

29 July 2006

Written while watching killer whales on Animal Planet

all my life i had been under the impression that i had seen edward scissorhands
until last night at one AM it came on tbs
and i discovered that i have been fooling myself.
i guess i just assumed i had seen it.
after all, every living breathing human i have come across
in all my sixteen years
has.

i must have convinced myself a decade ago that
because everyone knows edward scissorhands
i know edward scissorhands.
(wrong.)
last night at one AM
i experienced afresh the pale-faced flyaway-haired wonder that is johnny depp in a leather suit
and by three i knew that i was living a lie.

i wonder now what other of my experiences may have been figments of my overactive assumption.
did i never jump a rope ladder at age six
and break a wrist it took five casts to repair?
was i not baptised in fifth grade in front of god and two hundred devoted christians?
was i never kissed goodbye by my personal hero
before he moved several hundred miles out of reach?

maybe i have never knelt in wood or leaves
and put words on paper
in sentences and fragments, phrases, clauses,
currents of musings and narratives
of my experiences
any or all of which
may never have happened.

--sara st.

21 July 2006

I Don't Know How to Turn Off My Brain

so i go to bed at 1130 and wonder for two hours or so. and then i get up again having decided, in my trying-to-sleep stupor, that i dont want to go to white station senior year. where i want to go is a school that will finish up my highschool education with a decent education, but that wont try to kill me with sleep deprivation. that didnt rhyme on purpose. i want a school where i dont have to worry about fifteen thousand asian boys beating me in class rank and knocking me out of fifteen thousand college scholarships that require me to be in the top ten. somewhere where i can focus. and i dont want district kids. but all schools have district kids.

that is, except private ones. and theyre expensive. but they have scholarships.

eileen was talking about going to boarding school. i thought that would be great. really. but eileen has access to far more money than i do.

i just need to get out of all this noise. theres too much distraction. i just need to focus and do well and have confidence in myself.

where can i do that?

i just dont know what to do with myself.

18 July 2006

Lovely Weather We're Having, Eh?

the high tomorrow is 101. the high thursday is 102. oi vey! its been hot. today spencer and i went to breakfast and then to see a scanner darkly. but the studio wasnt open yet, and the three to four minutes we spent sitting on the bench outside was like DEATH. hot hot hot.

but it gives me good reason to stay inside on the computer. i mean reading the grapes of wrath. actually ive read about as much in grapes of wrath as the entire length of the awakening. and i started it... two days ago? three? no, two. anyway.

mouse is in town. eileen is home, but not for long. hattie is still in italy. baah. eileen is going to see amelia soon. scandaliz vandalistz + cory branan show is TOMORROW. i have been waiting for it for like, two point five months. approximately. its going to be the best of the best of the best. basically, yay.

in other news, i still have 500 pages of the grapes of wrath, angelas ashes + highlighting, about twelve essays, hiroshima, a two page report on hiroshima, and six lessons of precal to do this summer. YEEHAW. i guess ill get on that. or something.

love
sar(r)a

13 July 2006

I Know You, I Walked with You Once upon a Dream!

o, what a dream! what a cast! last night i dreamt something i have no idea. but it was insane. there were tubes and a fight and an epic battle and explosions and backstages and narrow passageways and cacti and boys and girls and maybe parachutes! but o, the cast! it was brilliant. this dream featured the largest expanse of excitement in sara history. check it out: bobby drake, rogue, morgan, spot, claire danes, richard from superman, the crazy booblady who lives in that swamp in pirates two, taylor grimes, and bruce willis or mel gibson. i dont remember which. anyway.

uhm, i have no idea what happened, heres all i remember. morgan and booblady were in the epic battle as well as a lot of other unimportant people, and it went down in this like huge stadium with stairs and obstacles in the arena, and everyones signature move was dragging people down the stairs. and i was watching it with i dont remember.

also, there was this huge system of tubes that hung above memphis or maybe the whole world, and mel/bruce and richard and bobby and rogue and i were stuck in some sort of dilemna involving them. is that even how you spell dilemna? anyway i think we eventually solved the dilemna and went to the end of my block which is a dead-end if you dont know, and the guy and the end of the block has cacti (in real life! whats his deal?) and there was claire danes really upset about something. but eventually whatever she was upset about was solved and apparently i hadnt seen her in a really long time but we were good friends and we did this weird hand clasp thing. i really dont know what was going on with that.

o, and back to the epic battle, there was a narrow passageway that led backstage of the battle (?) and i was going along it with spot really fast because we were running late and he had my hand and it was really exciting. the only dialogue i remember from the whole dream was, "would you ever kiss a girl you only met yesterday?" and i dont even remember the response or what happened next but i bet it was great. and so we got to the fight and i think booblady might have won. she would.

and i dont know where taylor grimes fits in to all of this, but he was definitely there.

08 July 2006

Who Wants My Job?

so, the first week of august i am quitting my job as the community relations assistant at trezevant manor, a retirement community on highland. let me tell you a little about it.

i go in three weekdays per week (occasionally four) for about three hours in the afternoon. contrary to popular belief, i do not then proceed to tend to old sick people. i work in the part of trezevant that is just a retirement community. there are also an assisted living center and a health center, but i am not involved with those. so all the old people are well and sane, if a little senile. i spend most of my time doing minimum wage work like making copies, folding calendars, stuffing mailboxes, delivering messages, compiling folders and newsletters, organizing the office, etc etc. except instead of minimum wage i get $8 an hour. which is really nice, if you dont know. my boss is a good boss and a pretty nice and laidback lady named carol. shes the director of resident services.

there is also a significant amount of unpredictable downtime. some days are incredibly busy, and others i have had up to two hours to just do homework or read or whatever i need to do, which is pretty convenient since, you know, i go to highschool.

the weekdays are pretty flexible. i work generally monday wednesday thursday, but the boy who had the job before me worked tuesday wednesday thursday, and its pretty easy to switch up a day if you need to. the only day that is not flexible is saturday. this is, in my opinion, the only downside to the job. i have to work saturdays from 6 to about 915pm, calling bingo numbers in the dining room. i have to speak loudly and clearly into a pretty bad microphone. i dont really know why i have to be there at six because i dont do anything till seven. but i do. the bingo is not difficult or confusing, its just that its saturday nights. however, my brother works every weekend until 11, so i guess its a pretty good deal.

i get paid about $170 every other wednesday for about 12 hours per week. however, if i wanted to, i could ask carol for some more hours, come in more often, etc, and thereby make more money.

also, i have to find my own replacement starting beginning of august. so, if you want my job, please tell me, for serious, and i will get you an interview.

also, you have to pass a drug test.

thanks for your time,
-sara

06 July 2006

I CAN DRIVE!

24 June 2006

Hallelujah, Grace Like Rain

you know, i think that is the same title as my post last year from when i got back from lakeshore. except i just looked it up and im wrong. it was "my heart and flesh cry out, for you the living god" from better is one day. but i did have another post called hallelujah, grace like rain. probably because that is my favorite song. much like lakeshore is my favorite place. ill try to tell you the happenings now while theyre fresh in my head.

counselors were melanie (you would) and shannon. sunday night, progressive games, ruby and i hid in the bathroom during the syrup game (by the way, ruby ROCKS). the jello dyed my foot blue. wtf. red. why did i just say blue? i meant red.

monday: low ropes. low ropes are always awful, but i think that i actually understand their purpose. no one in my cabin spoke AT ALL before low ropes, and afterwards we could at least interact enough to coexist. photo scavenger hunt i think was monday but may have been tuesday. it was lame. they put all of the lame cabin bonding activities at the beginning of the week. which is good, cause after tuesday lunch or so theyre over.

after that i dont know what days things happened on. they all run together. but ruby and i spent almost every moment together. and beaver was there a lot too. we did a lot of swimming and lazy rivering. we watched people play water polo. i got rrl sunburned and it hurt, but im better. we did crafts. danielle = craft lady = love. in advanced crafts i made a taco. i am amazing. and there was crazy time without truett which was an activity that was supposed to be karaoke with truett but neither of those things were there so ruby and i just sat on stacks of chairs and watched weird girl. shes SO weird.

also josh cookies brown led a creative writing activity which somehow managed to always be called writing fun because we love writers retreats. corn in beaver pajamas? we got crazy prompts from the writers block including writing a racist rant, which was insane. i also got through part of something about my pop cause camp started on fathers day, wrote a tidbit about the year 4000, and started something that rhymes, the prompt for which was a dylan thomas poem i think. (to clarify, the phrase "something that rhymes" in the previous sentence is a description, not a title, as ive already written something titled "something that rhymes")

i hear the dance was fun, but i hate the dance, so i watched charlie and the chocolate factory. woody came dressed as a girl, and he looked like kimmy gibler from full house, except on heroin. the talent show was about 10% talent and 10% funny and 80% ridiculous people trying to sing carrie underwood songs and failing. also, anne frank was rrl bad, and she thought she was rrl good. ew. there was no coffee, but i dont like coffee, so its okay.

there was a strange combo of worships. the one on tuesday (or was it monday?) at the boys side vesper ring was really great. it was mostly dark but near the end they turned on the light on the cross and it lit up the trees like crazy, but the lake was still totally black, and it was really pretty. that was the only time we sang grace like rain. we also had one at the waterfront which consisted largely of staff members heckling truett and troy being judas. weird. lakeshore was on crazypills this week. but in a good way.

friday morning we wrote letters to ourselves which theyre going to mail to us sometime in several months. i dont know why im even saying this, because its given, but at worship friday night everyone cried. it wasnt even a phenomenally moving worship. we prayed, we read scripture, we sang. but on friday night everyone just wants SO MUCH not to have to go home, and they know they have to. so naturally, i got danielles shirt real snotty, just like last year. i love her. and ruby.

today shannon, chelsey, christin, ruby and i got up at 430 to watch a sunrise that never came because of big dark clouds. at 615 we gave up and went back to the cabin. slept about another hour and got up for breakfast, of which i ate little cause i was mad tired. cleaned up the cabins, did evaluations, cookies left, and we went to the tabby for final worship which included rrlpretty and a zombie movie. there was also the fairly traditional open floor time, which was nice, and then we all went back up the hill for lots of hugging and goodbyes. my mom was rrl late but it was okay, i didnt want to leave. she drove me down to the "water rec center" (that is, the pool) and i planned to do a mad search of the area for danielle who was down there with k-2 day, but just when i was dashing in to find her she was by the gate and it was good, cause i was going to be rrl sad if i couldnt say gbye. so i said gbye and had a big hug and got all wet cause she was all wet, and i left. mom and i got milkshakes on the way home, and i slept in the car, which i usually cant do.

and now im home and its late and ive written all of this so i dont forget it because what? thats right. lakeshore is my favorite place in the world.

Hallelujah, grace like rain
Falls down on me.
Hallelujah, and all my stains
Are washed away,
They're washed away.