It feels so good to go to a school that makes me feel so safe and comfortable every day.

me: *walks toward class with morgan*
scary kid: *pokes me (hard) and points at his friend* he say he wanna get with you.
me: thats fabulous *continues walking*
scary kids friend: i heard you suck dick!
morgan: (o my god!)
me: *speeds up, approaches andrew lu* andrew, you see that group of boys behind me?
andrew: yeah
me: would you mind going over there and beating them up?
andrew: sorry, im pretty sure they could take me.


i hate this place.

im aware it should be IMpure.

gentleness is everywhere.
fear is in your head--
only in your head
so forget your head
and youll be free

the writings on the wall
freeeeeeee and you can do it all
if you choose.
just remember
lovers never lose
cause they are free of thoughts unpure
and of thoughts unkind.

gentleness clears the soul
love will clear your mind
and make you freeeeeeee

--David Bowie
(makes life okay)

das Wochenende!

today is friday. today is friday! thank god. i am feeling a little better about my life. today had a few horrible things, but it was mostly way better.

BAD

• got assigned two projects that are due on the same day
• for lunch i had a cookie and three aspirins that only served to move me from just in pain to in pain and disoriented.
• we got assigned a dbq essay in APUS that i just know is going to SUCK.
• mr e still doesnt understand that the up stairwell and the down stairwell do not apply after school and continues to force me to go eighteen miles out of my way to get to my locker at the time of day when i feel least like moving.

however!

GOOD

• german quiz went fabulously
• precal homework wasnt due (i havent done it) and i got back a 72 out of 72 on that stupid homework on domain and range.
• ms wexler now loves me. (we were talking about foreign language night at the football game and i said if i went i would be in a toga with a german sign, and ms wexler was like, "what?" and i told her i was taking german and latin. she said that was great and asked if i was going to major in foreign language. i said i might minor in it but i was going to major in english because i wanted to be an english professor. because i do. she goes, "thats great!" and BEAMS for about three seconds. which is a long time for a beam.)
• got back three 100 test scores in wexler too. yay summer work saving me from the scarlet letter test on which i most certainly did not succeed
• presented my latin project (done in about an hour last night), and ms lafon adored it because she loves me and everything else in the world.
• presented government project too with katie parry and carlizzle. we got a 300 points to divide up and carlisle gave himself a 90 so katie and i could get 105s because he felt like he didnt do anything. how freakin chivalrous is that?

so again, im feeling better. and im going to apply for the memphis in may exchange program. 15 kids get to go to spain in march for like 10 days for free. if i get it ill be in spain on my 17th birthday. that would be the greatest ever. like seriously.

i think tonight i might get some of my not-too-hard but tedious homework done. i have to make a family tree in german and that precal worksheet. maybe ill work on my essay rewrite for wexler. who knows! exciting.

also, "we need to be a learning environment that is conducive to learning." --mr brown

jetzt es ist das wochenende! spitze!

Blogging again

scarlet letter test tomorrow.

im on about page eleven.
have to read for APUS.
some german.
precal? i dont even know.

latin project due friday.
have i started? no.
am i going to start tonight? no.

in my ideal tonight, i take a shower, eat spaghetti, start wicked (again), drive to geekers, watch swing kids, and go to bed at 930. in my real tonight i print and read and study the scarlet letter sparknotes, make a mad attempt to absorb whatever im reading for APUS, do german, forget precal, and go to bed at probably 1130. no, ill be in bed by 11. ill find a way.

last night i fell asleep on the crucible sparknotes. i didnt read that either. i woke up at 1250 and frantically tried to finish them, but i couldnt keep the words from moving around and jumbling themselves, so i gave up. i forgot to close my highlighter and now on my sheets there are about eight big round yellow highlighter stains, like yellow lights telling me to slow down. that is a bad simile but that is what i was thinking at 630 this morning frantically trying to finish them again. i finished in third period.

yesterday there was a roach about six inches away from me next to my locker and i had to get a freshman to kill it because im a sissy.
me: AH! ...excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to step on that for me?
freshman boy: sure.
cockroach: *crunch*
me: thanks very much.

there are ants in my locker. i find one in a textbook once or twice a week. theyre reddish brown and very small. they are probably harmless. but they have no business being in my locker.

this weekend, i would like to go see a movie.

mandy moore cannot hit the notes in this recording of suddenly seymour to which i am listening right now. adam pascal, conversely, sounds wonderful.

today we had a pop-essay in APUS.
thats sort of like a pop-quiz, except we sort of had some idea it was coming. and its an essay.

i dont really know what im getting at here.

Someday soon we will get a day off from school and I'll stop sounding like I need to be on antidepressants.

i feel like i never move.
all day i go up and down stairs and into and out of classrooms
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the first floor
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the second floor
i go to the third floor.

all day i walk and sit and listen and scribble like the mad hatter
and in the afternoon i walk into and out of parking lots
into and out of my bedroom
into and out of the kitchen
and still i feel like i never move.
every time i stand up it is to get to a place where i will sit down and scribble
like the mad hatter
mad scribbler
mad mad mad
words on paper.

i never move and i am always tired.
i get up and im tired
walk up and down stairs tired
go home tired
scribble at home tired
go to sleep tired (eventually)
and i get up and im tired.

i am tired of walking up and down stairs and never moving and always being tired.
i am tired of writing my name on my paper
i am tired
of my hips and my arms and my stomach
all feeling the same between my thumb and pointer finger.
i am tired of raising my hand
touching my face
tying my shoes
sliding down
pulling my hair
curling my toes.

i intend to jump and breathe at the same time
i intend to sleep until i wake up
not until i am woken up
i intend to be beautiful, fabulous, talented
i intend to be walking up and down stairs for ten more years, at least.
all that matters is that i sleep
(and i will
but when i wake up
i will still be tired)

Junior Year

poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:40 PM): still havent started my govt project
Ho Swansea (8:27:45 PM): hahah me neither
Ho Swansea (8:27:52 PM): but guess what happened today
poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:58 PM): what happened?
Ho Swansea (8:28:24 PM): I started crying during the trailer for angels in the outfield at the part where they all flap their arms like wings
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:34 PM): OMG
Ho Swansea (8:28:42 PM): kjhadashgjhd
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:45 PM): freaking yesterday i cried during sister act.
Ho Swansea (8:28:49 PM): s,jfhsdkfhskjfh
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:17 PM): you know, cause the little nun was like, "SERAPHIIIIIM!"
Ho Swansea (8:29:39 PM): aw; ujaslkdja
Ho Swansea (8:29:49 PM): brett cried during the goofy movie
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:54 PM): aldebskjgbaelbwrklj
Ho Swansea (8:30:22 PM): morgan cried during it's a hard knock life
poookokihu8otgdv (8:30:43 PM): what is our collective damage?
Ho Swansea (8:31:30 PM): I have no idea
Ho Swansea (8:31:32 PM): junior year
poookokihu8otgdv (8:31:43 PM): has got the best of us

Destruction Part Two: Daytime

eileen and i went back this afternoon. here're the pictures i got.


costumes.


its weird that i remember a garbage can i havent seen in four years.


i hate heavy machinery.


the sky is so pretty.


there were probably 100 little cards with owls.


eileen is amazing.


it can fold a door in half.

eileens are here. i am still really upset. i havent even started my homework. what a piece of work.

They Tore Down the Theatre

the lucille ewing childrens theatre. ewings. ct. the theatre.

my theatre.
they tore it down.

in summer 2003 straight line winds knocked an enormous hole in its roof. four months later, they covered the hole with a tarp. it blew off.

three years later, they tore it down. what was once my first home away from home (even before lakeshore, there was the theatre) is now a series of mounds. of dirt and metal. wood, chairs, doors. debris.

i used to spend entire days there. sundays. a morning show, a sack lunch, an afternoon show. i used to spend afternoons there. three afternoons a week almost every week for six years. i played thorin, an egg, the artful dodger, half a copy machine. and what now? a series of piles of dirt and metal.

when they tore it down i was singing. i didnt know. i wasnt there. i was singing in a basement. i should have known to stop. i left and went immediately to the theatre. there was a fence up. i ignored it. trespassing doesnt count when the rubble was your first home away from home. i took pictures. tomorrow ill take more, in the light of day.

So hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on
and on
and on

the perpetrator, monster, murderer.


children theatre. no s.


horror movie roller coaster: foundations, supports.


a door that used to lead to the reception room. now to the ground.


this chair was always broken, but it was never that broken. i took it.


backstage sink.


the end.

Principal Terry Brown, Master Public Speaker

"we had a good time with you in the halls yesterday."

God Hates Ryan Masson's Face

but no one else does.

today was the first rehearsal for who is kelly green. and it was really good. it is going to be a good show and has a good cast, all sorts of people i like. andy harper, dunkan, newman, ryan masson, hairston, anna talley (who is at this point not in the show), of course morgan and eileen, kenny, kevon, and lots of OOV people who are cool. this is sounding really boring. im boring. ryan newman dunkan hairston a-tall and i went to hueys and afterwards loitered in the parking lot for a really long time. that sentence needed a lot of commas that it did not have.

ive been sick but im getting better. hooray for sunny d having 130% vitamin c per serving. that is so much vitamin c.

i basically sliced open my thumb trying to cut this really good ciabatta bread that has a very strong crust. it hurt.

im going to go find some chocolate, because i am an addict.

too bad this was really boring.

one of the worst things in the world

is the dry heaves. ew. ew. ew. they make me feel gross.

i guess im getting sick. dammit.