today i spent two hours tutoring my brother in math. he is in college. he cant take any more courses in college until he passes this class. he cant understand how to add negatives. i am so afraid that he will fail it and give up and drop out and be like my mother but never go back like she did. i love my brother and i want him to be okay and graduate. he is not a student; he was not made to take tests. i was. he was made to make things. to make people laugh and clap and to make theatre happen, but hes gotten out of theatre and all he wants is to pass this class and finish college and just be doing okay and be independent. i am doing all i can but there is too much to teach and too little time and the wrong brain. i need more time. i cant believe im worried about anything when my brother has so much to worry about, just passing college, and his rent, and a job, and interviewing for another job, and the heat in his house not working. i will help him and it will be okay. he will graduate and i know he will be okay.

i cant believe i was so upset that ms wexler gave me an 88. whats so bad? i mean, im a little upset because she didnt grade the frederick douglass test, and because we dont really get papers back in there, but i deserved an 88. i didnt read the sun also rises, so i failed the test, so i got a B. plus, its AP. how can i be flustered over an 88 in AP when my brother passed standard math in high school with Ds and he is struggling so hard in hope of the distant possibility he will get over a 60?

we take life too seriously at white station. why should the effect of one test make me want to throw a chair through ms wexlers window? why cant we get out of this life of numbers and capital letters and listen to what is important? words and actions and feelings and dizziness. all of this is what we should be studying. lets study literature, ms wexler, not memorize events in the pages of books. lets learn to be thankful for our minds and not misuse them by fretting over little things like an 88 or by copying words from a powerpoint about proprietary colonies and the three parts of the constitution. lets learn something useful for the betterment of our minds, not for the betterment of our test scores.

i know i will never be able to live that way.

i was made to take tests and i cant stop caring about them. but i have acheived this: i have an 88 in AP english and that is okay. i will make up for it. i will be okay. it is not going to kill me. it is not okay to throw GPA to the wind and let my grades go to hell for the sake of an experience, but it is okay to get a B sometimes. college will understand. my friends will still love me. i will still love me.