a very long paragraph

yesterday in the afternoon, at the end of the afternoon, right before it becomes night and the light from outside the window is grey and blue, i read some of martha parks web journal and i was overwhelmed by it. we have only been friends for a very short time but i think she is one of the most phenomenal human beings i have ever met. i wish she were happier. i wish everyone were happier. on the way to kelly green it was raining and i listened to josh groban and i cried all the way there, i dont know why. i couldnt see out the rear window and the rain was everywhere and i was so afraid, of the rain, the window, the play, my lines, my legs, high school, everything below my skin. there is something wrong with me this fall and i wish someone would tell me what it was so i could fix it. maybe when fall ends and it is really winter it will go away. maybe it will stay forever like the scratches on my knees. i need to get out of highschool and do something frivolous and exhausting. i need to be sleepless and kiss a boy or smoke some pot or get very very drunk but i know i wont do any of those things because i am afraid of all of them. i hate alcohol and im not ready to screw myself up with drugs and there are no boys who want to kiss me. i will have to be content with being sleepless. kelly green was a tornado last night and everybody loved it, i loved it. we got through and after curtain call i danced to where is the love even though i hate dancing because at the momos ball sean hines told me i looked stupid and i wanted to kick him and break his bones. we went to ihop and i sat across from ryan masson and shared my pancakes with strawberry syrup. i always knew he was beautiful but i am so glad he did kelly green because if he hadnt i would never have known what he is like in real life. what would happen if i stopped doing everything? if i stopped going to school and doing homework and eating, and just went to ihop with my friends and laughed? if i stopped eating and found a field to run through and found a pen to write with and found a play to act in? if i never eat again, then will you love me? i dont know who i am or what i believe, but i know that i am happy when it is late and i am laughing and talking. i went to sarah mercers house and it was so nice to sleep in her bed because she is comfortable sleeping in contact with me, with my elbow on her arm and her leg touching my hip. i love human contact and i want to always feel someone elses body touching mine. im not implying what a teenager would infer. i love holding hands and hugging people and wrapping my arms around shoulders and feeling human hands in my hair.

production week

morgan and eileen,

i dont know how you do it. "i am stretched to the breaking point over all this!" you are doing so much more stuff than i am and getting so much less sleep and you are still going going going. you guys are my heroes. you surpass me at all times. try to get some sleep.

--sara

Dear Savannah Self,

WHO ARE YOU TO DECIDE THAT A MAN CANNOT MARRY THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IF IT IS ANOTHER MAN?

WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT THE BIBLE HAS THE POWER TO CONTROL THE LAWS OF THIS DEMOCRATIC COUNTRY, EVEN WHEN THEY GO SO FAR AS TO DENY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THE FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS GRANTED TO THEM IN THE VERY FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE US CONSTITUTION, WRITTEN TO GUARANTEE EVERY HUMAN HIS INALIENABLE CIVIL LIBERTIES?

WHO ARE YOU TO DENY SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE?

WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?

WHO ARE YOU TO INSIST THAT MORGAN JON FOX, ANDREW GARNER, OR BROCK TERWILLIGER IS LESS WORTHY OF MARRIAGE THAN YOU OR ME?

GET OUT OF MY FACE, SAVANNAH SELF. YOU ARE NOT SUPERIOR TO ANYONE, AND YOU AND YOUR BELIEFS ARE SO CONTRADICTORY, I CANT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF EVERY DAY. JUDGE NOT, SAVANNAH SELF, LEST YE BE JUDGED.

I CANT GET THE IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD THAT WHEN YOU DIE AND SKIP UP TO THE PEARLY GATES UNCONCERNED, SAINT PETER WILL LOOK UP YOUR NAME IN HIS BOOK AND SAY, "SAVANNAH SELF? OH, IM SORRY, YOU ARE INTOLERANT, JUDGMENTAL, HYPOCRITICAL, AND UNFAIR. YOUR ROOM IS DOWNSTAIRS."

REGARDS,
SARA

'Neath the shadow of the PSAT I am bound to write something like this.

so, the PSAT is tomorrow. the pea-ess-ay-tea. the pssatt. actually its the PSAT/NMSQT. that is, the preliminary scholastic aptitude test / national merit scholarship qualifying test. the difference between the sat and the psat is such: the sat i can take again. the psat, this time, tomorrow morning, means i either get a 215+ and get national merit qualified, or i get a 214- and i dont. its that simple. no getting around it. and im worried. why? because i dont know how to do math, thats why.

in other news, i was wrong, autumn. i dont like you. you lead to winter and as soon as its not hot every day this "condition" comes back. and i hate it. and its your fault, autumn. fall. i will have to cut my fingernails short soon and keep them that way till april at least. you suck, autumn. we are no longer friends.

the psat people say the most important thing is to get a good nights sleep.

good night.

Jonathan Edwards Style HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE Sermon about WSHS for AP English

(to be read in your best GOD WILL SMITE YOU voice.)

HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!

In the beginning, God created the classroom and the hall, but over the years, this holy sanctuary has been infiltrated by you, the disciples of Satan, whose foul feet blemish the wrong side of the hall and hobble through the incorrect door—into the gates of hell, as slowly as if Lucifer's demons themselves clung to your ankles, grabbing maliciously at your hems and jerking your britches tantalizingly low. You Devil's children do wholeheartedly invoke the wrath of almighty God with your evil deeds, calling the Savior to rain down his fury upon your unworthy heads.
God's wrath is as horrifying as Mr. Brown scurrying down the checkered hallway with the walk of expulsion, chanting, "It WAS going to be an awesome, awesome day, White Station," in a soft voice. He will soon grasp your belt, point a finger to the sky, and proclaim, "To infinity, and beyond!" before dragging you off by your ear to the pits of hell, or actually just ISS in the auditorium lobby. There, you shall spend an eternity in silence and grief, woefully scribbling the decrees of that Ol' Deluder on stones with your own blood.

Wish you to avoid this fate and walk in the light of God? Nay, though you howl and cry, your screams are lies, hiding your sins. Upon leaving this congregation, the multitudes of you shall enter the halls and damn yourselves without delay with your tongues shouting meaningless obscenities between classes. For this you shall be punished by having your mouth washed out with soap for a thousand millennia in hell. Your stumblings through the corridor in linear groups of five and six will gain you forty lifetimes of waiting behind Mr. T., the Rock, and the Governator in line for the bathroom. Endless detention awaits those who dishonor themselves by skipping class to smoke in the halls, the parking lot, or the gym, whether senior or east!

The eye of God is upon you when you sit to fill your bellies with strange meats and vegetables. Ne'er shall more than eight bodies populate a single table, nor trash be left beyond the Bell, nor neither food nor any other item be thrown across the room, lest the guilty party wish to spend all the days of the earth scraping gum from 'neath the very desk of Satan himself.

In the classroom, ye masses who borrow pencils, pens, quills, hair ties, or erasers must return them post haste, for to borrow without returning is to steal, and Almighty God thinks no more of a thief than of a murderer or a gnat. Ye filthy masses beg for hell whene'er you demand the blessing of paper whilst you have your own. This offense deserves and shall receive no less castigation than a paper cut every hour 'til Judgment Day.

If you should think you have some escape from hellfire, consider yourselves should you daily mount your metal monsters to drive to this once sacred place. Should ye dare not park betwixt the saintly white lines so graciously provided you by your God in heaven whom you have forsaken, he will forsake you in turn, leaving you to die a thousand deaths by rogue football to the throat. You who selfishly refuse to let others in the line to journey home after the final Bell, you who with windows down play repetitive and inarticulate music at maximum volume, seek ye NOT the kingdom of God—there is no hope for you in escaping damnation, for you are but scum in the eyes of the Lord.

Listen, children, for you who stand on the edge of the bowels of hell have only one chance to turn around and enter the Up Only Staircase toward heaven—immediate repentance and immediate reform. RESPECT your fellow heathens: lighten your attitudes, for he whose outlook is hellishly low shall soon join his mind in the unceasing fire. RESPECT your education by abstaining from that abominable breach of trust known as cheating. RESPECT your peers' personal space—never lower yourself to the barbaric acts of disrespect of poking, pulling, and the grabbing of others' backsides, especially if you do not know them. RESPECT those who excel in their studies and the grades they earn for their toils. RESPECT your instructors' right to instruct class, RESPECT your classmates' right to arrive in class on time, and finally, RESPECT MY FRESH.

Amen.

i went to florida

my gay great aunt kitty's rude life partner madge thinks my name is katharine.


put ya stunna shades on.


the waves crash on the sand, there's a storm that will break any second.


my feet, drews feet, the ocean.


i like my family. dad mom drew.


"what the hell was that?"


this sunset was about eighteen thousand times greater in real life than it is in this picture.

and finally...


the rock should win an oscar for his stunning job in DOOM, the greatest movie ever to exist, in which he costars with eomer and they have very big guns.

hi.

mr williams just cancelled novus forever.

It feels so good to go to a school that makes me feel so safe and comfortable every day.

me: *walks toward class with morgan*
scary kid: *pokes me (hard) and points at his friend* he say he wanna get with you.
me: thats fabulous *continues walking*
scary kids friend: i heard you suck dick!
morgan: (o my god!)
me: *speeds up, approaches andrew lu* andrew, you see that group of boys behind me?
andrew: yeah
me: would you mind going over there and beating them up?
andrew: sorry, im pretty sure they could take me.


i hate this place.

im aware it should be IMpure.

gentleness is everywhere.
fear is in your head--
only in your head
so forget your head
and youll be free

the writings on the wall
freeeeeeee and you can do it all
if you choose.
just remember
lovers never lose
cause they are free of thoughts unpure
and of thoughts unkind.

gentleness clears the soul
love will clear your mind
and make you freeeeeeee

--David Bowie
(makes life okay)

das Wochenende!

today is friday. today is friday! thank god. i am feeling a little better about my life. today had a few horrible things, but it was mostly way better.

BAD

• got assigned two projects that are due on the same day
• for lunch i had a cookie and three aspirins that only served to move me from just in pain to in pain and disoriented.
• we got assigned a dbq essay in APUS that i just know is going to SUCK.
• mr e still doesnt understand that the up stairwell and the down stairwell do not apply after school and continues to force me to go eighteen miles out of my way to get to my locker at the time of day when i feel least like moving.

however!

GOOD

• german quiz went fabulously
• precal homework wasnt due (i havent done it) and i got back a 72 out of 72 on that stupid homework on domain and range.
• ms wexler now loves me. (we were talking about foreign language night at the football game and i said if i went i would be in a toga with a german sign, and ms wexler was like, "what?" and i told her i was taking german and latin. she said that was great and asked if i was going to major in foreign language. i said i might minor in it but i was going to major in english because i wanted to be an english professor. because i do. she goes, "thats great!" and BEAMS for about three seconds. which is a long time for a beam.)
• got back three 100 test scores in wexler too. yay summer work saving me from the scarlet letter test on which i most certainly did not succeed
• presented my latin project (done in about an hour last night), and ms lafon adored it because she loves me and everything else in the world.
• presented government project too with katie parry and carlizzle. we got a 300 points to divide up and carlisle gave himself a 90 so katie and i could get 105s because he felt like he didnt do anything. how freakin chivalrous is that?

so again, im feeling better. and im going to apply for the memphis in may exchange program. 15 kids get to go to spain in march for like 10 days for free. if i get it ill be in spain on my 17th birthday. that would be the greatest ever. like seriously.

i think tonight i might get some of my not-too-hard but tedious homework done. i have to make a family tree in german and that precal worksheet. maybe ill work on my essay rewrite for wexler. who knows! exciting.

also, "we need to be a learning environment that is conducive to learning." --mr brown

jetzt es ist das wochenende! spitze!

Blogging again

scarlet letter test tomorrow.

im on about page eleven.
have to read for APUS.
some german.
precal? i dont even know.

latin project due friday.
have i started? no.
am i going to start tonight? no.

in my ideal tonight, i take a shower, eat spaghetti, start wicked (again), drive to geekers, watch swing kids, and go to bed at 930. in my real tonight i print and read and study the scarlet letter sparknotes, make a mad attempt to absorb whatever im reading for APUS, do german, forget precal, and go to bed at probably 1130. no, ill be in bed by 11. ill find a way.

last night i fell asleep on the crucible sparknotes. i didnt read that either. i woke up at 1250 and frantically tried to finish them, but i couldnt keep the words from moving around and jumbling themselves, so i gave up. i forgot to close my highlighter and now on my sheets there are about eight big round yellow highlighter stains, like yellow lights telling me to slow down. that is a bad simile but that is what i was thinking at 630 this morning frantically trying to finish them again. i finished in third period.

yesterday there was a roach about six inches away from me next to my locker and i had to get a freshman to kill it because im a sissy.
me: AH! ...excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to step on that for me?
freshman boy: sure.
cockroach: *crunch*
me: thanks very much.

there are ants in my locker. i find one in a textbook once or twice a week. theyre reddish brown and very small. they are probably harmless. but they have no business being in my locker.

this weekend, i would like to go see a movie.

mandy moore cannot hit the notes in this recording of suddenly seymour to which i am listening right now. adam pascal, conversely, sounds wonderful.

today we had a pop-essay in APUS.
thats sort of like a pop-quiz, except we sort of had some idea it was coming. and its an essay.

i dont really know what im getting at here.

Someday soon we will get a day off from school and I'll stop sounding like I need to be on antidepressants.

i feel like i never move.
all day i go up and down stairs and into and out of classrooms
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the first floor
i go to the third floor, third floor
i go to the second floor
i go to the third floor.

all day i walk and sit and listen and scribble like the mad hatter
and in the afternoon i walk into and out of parking lots
into and out of my bedroom
into and out of the kitchen
and still i feel like i never move.
every time i stand up it is to get to a place where i will sit down and scribble
like the mad hatter
mad scribbler
mad mad mad
words on paper.

i never move and i am always tired.
i get up and im tired
walk up and down stairs tired
go home tired
scribble at home tired
go to sleep tired (eventually)
and i get up and im tired.

i am tired of walking up and down stairs and never moving and always being tired.
i am tired of writing my name on my paper
i am tired
of my hips and my arms and my stomach
all feeling the same between my thumb and pointer finger.
i am tired of raising my hand
touching my face
tying my shoes
sliding down
pulling my hair
curling my toes.

i intend to jump and breathe at the same time
i intend to sleep until i wake up
not until i am woken up
i intend to be beautiful, fabulous, talented
i intend to be walking up and down stairs for ten more years, at least.
all that matters is that i sleep
(and i will
but when i wake up
i will still be tired)

Junior Year

poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:40 PM): still havent started my govt project
Ho Swansea (8:27:45 PM): hahah me neither
Ho Swansea (8:27:52 PM): but guess what happened today
poookokihu8otgdv (8:27:58 PM): what happened?
Ho Swansea (8:28:24 PM): I started crying during the trailer for angels in the outfield at the part where they all flap their arms like wings
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:34 PM): OMG
Ho Swansea (8:28:42 PM): kjhadashgjhd
poookokihu8otgdv (8:28:45 PM): freaking yesterday i cried during sister act.
Ho Swansea (8:28:49 PM): s,jfhsdkfhskjfh
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:17 PM): you know, cause the little nun was like, "SERAPHIIIIIM!"
Ho Swansea (8:29:39 PM): aw; ujaslkdja
Ho Swansea (8:29:49 PM): brett cried during the goofy movie
poookokihu8otgdv (8:29:54 PM): aldebskjgbaelbwrklj
Ho Swansea (8:30:22 PM): morgan cried during it's a hard knock life
poookokihu8otgdv (8:30:43 PM): what is our collective damage?
Ho Swansea (8:31:30 PM): I have no idea
Ho Swansea (8:31:32 PM): junior year
poookokihu8otgdv (8:31:43 PM): has got the best of us

Destruction Part Two: Daytime

eileen and i went back this afternoon. here're the pictures i got.


costumes.


its weird that i remember a garbage can i havent seen in four years.


i hate heavy machinery.


the sky is so pretty.


there were probably 100 little cards with owls.


eileen is amazing.


it can fold a door in half.

eileens are here. i am still really upset. i havent even started my homework. what a piece of work.

They Tore Down the Theatre

the lucille ewing childrens theatre. ewings. ct. the theatre.

my theatre.
they tore it down.

in summer 2003 straight line winds knocked an enormous hole in its roof. four months later, they covered the hole with a tarp. it blew off.

three years later, they tore it down. what was once my first home away from home (even before lakeshore, there was the theatre) is now a series of mounds. of dirt and metal. wood, chairs, doors. debris.

i used to spend entire days there. sundays. a morning show, a sack lunch, an afternoon show. i used to spend afternoons there. three afternoons a week almost every week for six years. i played thorin, an egg, the artful dodger, half a copy machine. and what now? a series of piles of dirt and metal.

when they tore it down i was singing. i didnt know. i wasnt there. i was singing in a basement. i should have known to stop. i left and went immediately to the theatre. there was a fence up. i ignored it. trespassing doesnt count when the rubble was your first home away from home. i took pictures. tomorrow ill take more, in the light of day.

So hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on
and on
and on

the perpetrator, monster, murderer.


children theatre. no s.


horror movie roller coaster: foundations, supports.


a door that used to lead to the reception room. now to the ground.


this chair was always broken, but it was never that broken. i took it.


backstage sink.


the end.

Principal Terry Brown, Master Public Speaker

"we had a good time with you in the halls yesterday."

God Hates Ryan Masson's Face

but no one else does.

today was the first rehearsal for who is kelly green. and it was really good. it is going to be a good show and has a good cast, all sorts of people i like. andy harper, dunkan, newman, ryan masson, hairston, anna talley (who is at this point not in the show), of course morgan and eileen, kenny, kevon, and lots of OOV people who are cool. this is sounding really boring. im boring. ryan newman dunkan hairston a-tall and i went to hueys and afterwards loitered in the parking lot for a really long time. that sentence needed a lot of commas that it did not have.

ive been sick but im getting better. hooray for sunny d having 130% vitamin c per serving. that is so much vitamin c.

i basically sliced open my thumb trying to cut this really good ciabatta bread that has a very strong crust. it hurt.

im going to go find some chocolate, because i am an addict.

too bad this was really boring.

one of the worst things in the world

is the dry heaves. ew. ew. ew. they make me feel gross.

i guess im getting sick. dammit.

I Think I'll Assess My Life Right Now

why not? heres some things:

• i hate that my fingernails always tear when im nowhere near a nail file.
• i want college now. NOW.
• i dont know what dating is like and i imagine all the good parts of it every day and ignore the fact that it has bad parts. i want to have the good parts.
• i remember that i dont like my body literally forty to fifty times a day.
• i think i have restless leg syndrome. like seriously.
• i am not very good at math, i am just okay at math.
• yesterday i wrote DIE DIE DIE on my ankle at the 11th grade assembly because every time mr brown talks i want to DIE DIE DIE.
• i love life but i will love it a lot more when high school gets out of my face.
• i care about my gpa and class rank a whole lot.
• i think projects are useless.
• i love to run really fast and i would love to run really fast really far for hours and hours and then fall down and go to sleep, but i cant.
• going to sleep is probably my number one priority every night.
• i love willifords.
• i love driving and it would be really nice if i could get some insurance sometime soon. i love my green 92 toyota camry.
• the single best moment of 2005 and the worst days of 2005 in my life both occurred at the botanic gardens.
• i dont floss, and i probably will never start. "do you have any idea how hard it is to quit smoking?" "yeah, its as hard as it is to START FLOSSING."
• i have a whole lot of shoes but i only wear about three pairs. four if you count my piggy slippers.
• i frequently pretend im uncomfortable when i dont want boys to know im enjoying their fake joking affection.
• i think nathaniel hawthorne was secretly a woman.
• i really like the way the bottom of my tongue feels.
• i think i appreciate my sense of touch more than most people do.
• i am not going to quit novus until i leave the city, no matter who else quits. i like it.
• "i believe you cant control or choose your sexuality."
• im terrified of failure and being late to class and not being able to pay for college and dancing and never getting married and being caught with a cellphone at school.
• i dont know how to deal with criticism.
• i cant think of anything anyone has ever said to me that makes me feel more confident than when cookies told me north dakota was probably the third best thing he'd ever read.
• i have horrendous posture.
• i probably like you a lot.

WTF.

HE DIDNT KISS HER.