Survival Techniques

I am spending the first five days of spring break in Rosendale with Amelia. I am the last one to visit. We are going to have fruit and fine cheeses and ice cream every day, lie in beds, loll about, have adventures, take pictures, sip sweet teas, bundle up, and think only of happy sleepy beautiful things. The plane ticket has been purchased, the deal is on. It's happening. An added bonus? It's 766 miles closer.

Since I'm flying I'll be home too, at the end, for a few days, and I'll be able to see my loves in Memphis. Harbortown, you guys. And maybe it'll finally be warm.

Last night I dreamed of cobblestones and sun and people who are very far away being very close. Everyone was happy. Everyone was smiling.

It's Not the Holiday Season

Tomorrow morning I go back to Evansville. It is a strange feeling because for a good eleven years past, watching Christmas break end was a travesty. Now though, I can't get back soon enough. England has taken everyone (<--moderate hyperbole) but still, I need to get out of Memphis. The break has been way too emotionally stressful (despite a healthy dose of great fun) and right now being in this city just reminds me that I am sad. I have trouble figuring out what I got out of the past few weeks, because there was all this excellent stuff--seeing my friends from home and getting and giving presents and laughing and shouting and talking on the phone and driving everywhere--that means Christmas 2k7 and the surrounding time off was a success, but I have never spent more hurrah-not-in-school time feeling so sad, and lonely. Hattie said sometime during this time that next semester I'll just be like all the other kids who go to college and have an okay time and are basically happy but wish they were happier, but that the difference between me and them is I get to know that the perfect miracle I had first semester is going to come back to me. I think that's a pretty good way to look at it.

At any rate, Memphis, thank you for your time, and I love you, but I'm through and nothing but ready to be nowhere but Evansville. Got that? I really don't want to have to handle any more time here because right now all I can think about is sucky, and I know at school there's some goodness left to be had.

Two Thousand Eight is a Big Number

Looking back at my goals for 2007, which are not posted here, I think I did an okay job. There were fifteen and I'm satisfied with my progress on ten of them. This year, I'll simplify, because enough is complicated already. For 2008:

--Be more of a lady.
--Save money to see my friends.
--Make 2008 worth the pain.
--Be healthy.
--Love people.

I think I can do those things. 2008 is a kind of a big deal. The plan is this. In January I say goodbye for real for a long time. In February it's cold. In March I see Amelia if I'm lucky, and turn eighteen. In April, at the end of it, God willing, maybe I get to say hello again. In May I take exams and love Memphis. In the summer, in an ideal universe, I go to Atlanta, Dallas, Evansville, Lakeshore, Nashville, and Vincennes, and all those places come to me. In August I prepare. In September I go to England. In October and November I go everywhere I can. In December I come home. It's going to be fast and terrifying, but with the effort I'm going to put in, it's going to be worth it. I'll be ready.

And I don't know how
but the closest friends I've ever known
are all inside
singing together.

(I wish.)

I miss you all. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Merry Christmas, darlings.

i cant pretend this is okay anymore. this faux optimism is such a lie. the truth: ITS NOT OKAY. you cant just leave me okay? you cant. dont. please. please. stay. its not okay. im not okay.

Explanation

I haven't had much to write here because I tell every detail I can remember of every day to Annebel in very long emails, and I write letters. Everything I have to say sounds better in a letter. Maybe I am not a poet but a letter writer. That's okay with me, I think.

For those of you who love me, so do I. College is hard and I am busy and stressed and never have any time and procrastinate anyway--but I love it. There is good here and I have found it, and even with all the good that is about to leave me way, way too soon, there is enough staying behind to keep College wonderful. I'm just a girl.

Thanksgiving, From Emails to Annebel

--Tuesday: Josh Sigler and Kristen and CK's, we met Lauren Huddleston and Nick and Lena, I ate a waffle, it was delicious, I took Josh home, Kristen and I sat in my bed talking about boys and college for a little while, I took her home, I went to sleep.

--Wednesday: I awoke to your call (what better way?), it was your birthday, I took you to Harbortown and we took pictures for real, I had to go to the dentist, we got Kristen and cheesecake, you didn't buy that dress at American Apparel, the sky got real scary, we went to Kroger for tortellini and you and Kristen tormented me when I had nowhere to run, we made food and had a Zac Efron sandwich on hot foreign boy bread, we went to sleep.

--Thursday: I took Kristen home, I took you home, I made mashed taters, it was Thanksgiving. I called Spencer's mom to ask if she still had any shirts from Guy's Tuxedos, which she used to own and was my brother's first job and also my mom worked there for a few years, and she said she'd look. I was planning an excellent gift. She and Spencer and his brother Jason came over for food, she brought me the shirt, we ate and Spencer and I saw August Rush, which was great, then went by his house, which was boring, then I came home. I went to Martha's and we all made warrior costumes (See my most recent album on FB. In fact, look at all of those pictures because they are all great, not just the ones you're in.), we attacked Ryan's house, we went to a playground, picked up Jack Katze, went to CK's, I had a waffle, I went home.

--Friday: Eileen, Martha, Ryan, and eventually Eric Neimeyer went to Ms. Kitts' house to make cookies and had a wonderful time. We cooked and played the instruments and spent several hours enjoying the fine company. I took Eileen to Morgan Fox's house so she could go to RENT. I got my Morgan and we went to the Neimeyer potluck and ate a lot of food, played team Scrabble and foreign team scrabble, experimented with the flash on my and Hattie's camera. Morgan and I went to Eileen's to sleep.

--Saturday: We got up and played with Mia (Eileen's sister who is almost four), tried to take her to lunch but didn't have time so we took her home and went to Brother Juniper's, where I had a waffle, which makes three total. I took a very fast shower and got you and we saw Dan in Real Life and got Starbucks and you got mad at me for being too sarcastic to your friends but I really did like them. I took you home. I ate Chinese food and went to the Nathan and Jesse household for a while, saw them and Lauren Strange and Ryan and Martha and Cole Reeves, got my clothes smelling like fire, hugged everyone, got Lena, and went to Mercer and Lilla's birthday party, which was fun. After it I took Lena home, but she and I sat in her driveway for an hour talking. She is a lot smarter than people think and I think she has a lot figured out about life. She told me a lot of good stuff that I am considering if the opportunity arises. I thanked her and went home, packed, slept.

--Sunday: I woke up, we drove back, it rained the whole way, mom and I played Remember Facts About My Friends, I was at college.

Stones

taught me to fly

Love

taught me to cry

So come on, courage,

teach me to be shy

cause it's not hard to fall

My Schedule, Once Again, is Delightful

MWF
10-1050: German 112, Elementary German II (Meredig)
12-1250: World Cultures 120H, Emergence of the Modern World (Unknown Professor, but if it's Brian Ernsting I will stand up and leave the moment he walks in the room.)
2-250: Writing 205, Intro to Imaginative Writing (Bone)

TTh
930-1045: Lit 242, Major American Writers II (Brown)
11-1215: History 341, Colonial America 1607-1774 (Gahan)

Please note:
Writing 205 from Paul Bone, history from Maria's dad, no classes at 8AM, lots of awesomeness, and oh yeah, I'll be living on the third floor with Chelsea. So, I have established, even though five (or maybe six) of my eight dearest friends will be gone (Maria, Jennifer, Kelly, Guy, Alex, and maybe Kent), next semester might be okay.

There was a time

about forty-five minutes ago, when for maybe four minutes, i was thinking about lakeshore next summer, and my world cultures paper that is due in less than nine hours was completely out of my thoughts. and it was wonderful.

update: i had a panic attack. my morning was horrible, but tonight i felt pretty for the first time in years.

Die Leben Einschätzung Zwei

so a little over a year ago i did a life assessment and i decided it would be a terrific idea to do it again.

• i love college. i love college. i love love love love love love college.

• a lot of the things that were true in august 2006 are still true in october 2007. but some of them are not. for example, the next eight bullets:
• i dont have to want college now because i have it. it is all i thought it would be and i am so happy.
• it doesnt matter that i am no good at math because i never have to take it again and i am so happy.
• mr brown no longer makes me want to die die die because he no longer has jurisdiction over me and i am so happy.
• high school is now out of my face and i was right, i do love life a lot more.
• i dont really have that strong an opinion on willifords anymore.
• i have accepted that nathaniel hawthorne was in fact a man.
• novus was cancelled so i didnt quit, but i did stop before i left the city. however, it was not of my own volition.
• i am still terrified of failure and never getting married but i am no longer afraid of being late to class and not being able to pay for college and dancing and being caught with a cellphone at school.

• the worst thing in my life right now is that my roommate snores and likes to keep the room cooler than i do.
• i love to write letters.
• i dont really need to watch tv.
• my heart of hearts spends approximately 60% of the day pining for ron weasley.
• i can probably get really great at german, and that is really exciting.
• i want a boy who takes my mind off my mouth.
• im a little closer to being pro-life than i expected to be.
• i am capable of getting my laundry and dishes done and cleaning my room.
• i feel uncomfortable financially when i am not saving money for something, but the only big thing i want that i dont have is a macbook, and i think im going to get one in about a year, so i am saving my money for going to africa. my mother told me that my father doesnt want me to go to africa, and i told her that he cant stop me.
• im still not sure what i think about jesus.
• riding my bike makes me feel like a little kid in the best possible way.
• i could probably live a happy life as an editor but i still want to be a professor.
• i like children a lot.
• my ultimate goal is 138.
• sometimes i play tetris in my head without thinking about it.
• college is hard, but i can do it.
• in less than a year, i will be in england. its going to be the absolute greatest.
• in two or three years, i wont have a home in memphis anymore. im not sure what i think about that, but the new house is going to be beautiful.
• i probably like you a lot.

Fall Break, and Why I Haven't Posted in so Long

part one. on friday i was very tired. i turned in my lit paper, i didnt go to german, i took a quiz on the qur'an, i ate lunch, i took a five hour drive, and i was home. i saw annebel first and we got morgan and mpc. we picked up kristen and josh from The Game and took annebel and josh home, and eventually kristen too. morgan spent the night, we fell asleep pretty fast.

on saturday morgan and i watched the following films:
--the fellowship of the ring extended edition (208 minutes)
--the two towers extended edition (223 minutes)
--the return of the king extended edition (250 minutes)
for a grand total of eleven hours and twenty-one minutes of lord of the rings action in one day. morgan spent the night again.

on sunday i took morgan home early to do things like read beowulf. i went to old navy with my mother. i got annebel. we planned to take a million pictures. we went to shelby farms and smoothie king, and tried to go to the swing but there were kids on it. at shelby farms we were swinging on a big red tire and a tiny boy named joshua came and swung with us for a while. he had freckles and was, i think, about five. annebel and i went back to my home to make dinner, and when we realized we were making way too much for two people, we called kristen and she came too. there were still tons of leftovers. we didnt take any pictures. i took annebel home. we went to kristens. we tried to make brownies for nathan and jesse but they failed miserably. they looked like lava and felt like sponges and tasted like not much at all. i mean the brownies, not nathan and jesse. so we took nathan and jesse a lot of candy instead and left right before midnight. kristen and i had a good talk as we often do. africa, running, college, the electoral college, etc.

on monday kristen and i made bagel sandwiches and went to the lunches at white station. we tried to be good and check in but apparently they dont allow visitation, so we snuck around. next time we'll wear the uniform. we went with chris to herr sturgis' room and he wasnt there at first but then he was. josh came too. we saw some people we love in c lunch and afterwards sat in on stephes class for a while and then went to see across the universe with spencer, which was very good. kristen and i went to ABC and saw a few people but mostly she had a croissant and i had an asiago bagel. thats the most important part. it started raining, we went to target. i bought a hat and a bowl. morgan came over again and we watched three episodes of buffy. annebel brought me brownies and a bag of supplies from her mother: oatmeal, soup, tic tacs, gum, apple cider mix, butterscotch chips. i took kristen and morgan home, watched kucinich on the colbert report, and went to sleep. in the morning i came back to evansville. there you go.

part two. the reason i havent posted so long is because ive been busy. midterm time is a very dangerous time. its not quite over but im doing okay. i am working on life assessment two. i love you all.

Put your hands, in my hands, and come with me; we'll find another end.

And my head, and my head, on anyone's shoulder,
'cause I can't be with you.

Clubs I've Joined Since I Got to College

College Mentors for Kids
--technically i havent joined this yet, but i have applied. my interview is tomorrow and i hope i get it. if i do, ill spend monday afternoons hanging out with elementary kids from the charter school in town and teaching them that they can overcome adversity and go to college and all that. and probably how to make ice cream with nitroglycerin or something. awesome.

Colleges Against Cancer
--this one pretty much explains itself. its a big club with hardly any boys and we signed a contract that we'll pay ten dollars and come to meetings and work on awareness projects etc etc. they meet every other tuesday at nine. i dont like cancer so i joined.

Evansville Review
--evansvilles annual collection of all the good writing they can get their hands on from all over. im an assistant editor. most of my work is this semester when ill read poems upon poems upon short stories upon creative works of nonfiction and rate them all for overall quality and basically help decide what gets in out of about 2000 submissions.

German Club
--havent actually been to this one yet. the first meeting was last night but i had to read about trade in 1500. its mondays at eight and yesterday they went around campus chalking german phrases all over the ground.

Quidditch Club
--this is mondays at 1015pm and last night we had the sorting. im not gonna lie, it was pretty cool and very well done. the hat had a song and everything and it was all very cool. i got ravenclaw, which is good, cause if i didnt i would have probably quit the club. next week is trivia and the girl who notoriously knows everything about harry potter is in ravenclaw too. we are going to own. i mean, someone asked her what color was hermiones nightgown in sorcerers stone, and she knew.

Student Christian Fellowship
--scf meets every friday at 630 for FOCUS, which is capitalized even though it doesnt stand for anything. its basically the closest thing to lakeshore that isnt lakeshore. its not incredibly close but its good. we sing and listen and pray and sing and sing. theres a lot of singing. tuesday nights at 9 we have small group study on the book of james, which i go to. both of the leaders are wonderful. one is the first person i met when i got here and the other talks like allyson zimmerman.

Writers in the Schools
--i probably wont get to do this till next semester but you and a partner go off campus to an elementary school (or sometimes middle) and take over a class and teach the nine year olds to love poetry. i am pretty much psyched about it.

seven clubs is enough, right? i think so. honors tea is tuesdays at 4 and church is sundays at 1030 and theres yoga mondays and wednesdays at 530 and oh dear, so much to do. college, college, college! its delightful.

Books I've Read Since I Got to College

(Including scholastically and... pleasurably?)

Completed--

• The Epic of Gilgamesh
• The Book of James
• Einstein's Dreams
• Brokeback Mountain (a short story, I know)
• Artemis Fowl Two
• Without You

Begun--

• Worlds Together, Worlds Apart (my history textbook)
• Wicked
• The Lovely Bones

To Be Read This Semester, for School--

• The Book of Genesis
• The Koran (selections)
• The Dialogues of Plato
• The Inferno
• Tao Te Ching
• The Prince
• The Norton Anthology (extensive selections)
• The Scarlet Letter
• Wieland

To Be Read This Semester, for Myself--

• [All those begun]
• Flowers for Algernon
• Brave New World
• Voyage of the Turtle
• Stardust
• Memoirs of a Geisha
• Alpha and Omega
• Peter Pan
• The Children of Hurin
• Unfinished Tales (if I can get to it)

Can it be done? Only time will tell. Come back next week for further developments.

From "Messages to Kristen Howell"

7 september 2007

i have the bbyd cast picture on my desk so i can look at you while im typing. is that weird? i dont know. but you know i secretly loved that show, so much. anyway as long as you dont turn into a psycho bitch or get distant ill be okay. dont be a stranger is what im saying. i miss you. you sound tired. you will be finished soon and have some good friends.

dorm-away-college is really wonderful. somehow i am surprised to find it has met all my expectations. you of course know how terrified i was in the days before i left, but the awkwardness, though still obviously present, is beginning to lose the fight. i am so happy here. and i read things like marthas livejournal and how shes so sad at college and i dont know how i got so lucky. most of my friends took their best choice of five or seven or ten schools and still they are not all happy? i applied to memphis and here and took evansville because they promised me money, not because i had thoroughly researched it. and yet here i am and it is so wonderful. i have said wonderful already but its true.

i have gotten pretty well involved with the student christian fellowship. they are nice. they sing. they smile and everyone is always cheerful and glad to see you. so i have gone to church both sundays, and i go to a thing called focus on fridays which is like singing and a lesson and some praying and more singing, and i really like it. and i joined a small group studying the book of james. i picked that one because the two leaders appeal to me. one is a girl named jennifer, who is the first person i met when i came here. she is a sophomore and i think we are friends. we laugh and theres not a lot of awkward pauses. the other is a girl named shelley from kentucky. shes little and has blonde curls and she talks like allyson zimmerman, who i know at lakeshore and who is also from kentucky.

i went to the first quidditch club meeting and i liked it but not as much as id hoped. they are just not classy about how they love harry potter. they love it because they love to wear silky robes and shout spells at each other and pretend to be wizards. i love to do those things too (except the silky robes because theyre unrealistic) but i also love to know the characters and soak up the story and learn from the themes. i love that any shortcomings are overcome by a wealth of wonder and that everything fits together. i know this sounds a little elitist but they just do not love harry potter as classily as i do. but ill give it a try.

in my classes almost everything is picturesque. in american lit, my teacher has this fluid voice like she has lived all of this literature, and she appreciates everything. the class puts our desks in a circle and a lot of people talk. in german, frau pleasant is young and wears green rectangle glasses and almost always hiking boots and a skirt or dress. today she had a blue dress with a blue jacket and chalk stains all over her. she seems the type to lose a pen in her hair, if you understand that characterization. she is so energetic and loves german and laughs and gestures hugely. world cultures is my least favorite class but i still like it. my professor refers to himself in the third person a lot and his quizzes are hard, but the material is still somewhat interesting. we're moving now from gilgamesh into genesis. my world history professor is scottish and has only been in america eight years. last class he gave us this extremely eloquently constructed explanation of the butterfly effect, showing the existence of israel to be a direct result of francis ferdinands driver turning left instead of right. i just eat that class up. copyediting is pretty much grammar for the first half so you know i am in my element. dr bone gives fantastic sentences as examples. there were several problems with the presidents speech. the sheepish dominatrix ruined my party.

that is most of my time spent active. i go and do something at least almost all days, but i have gotten some reading done and a lot of tetris. yesterday i read the book of james, brokeback mountain, and einsteins dreams, which i think is a pretty funny combination. today i read artemis fowl two because ive had it for like four years and thought i should get around to it sometime. i sleep enough. i eat in the dining hall about once a day.

tomorrow shannon and i are going to the gas station across the street which is closer than the grocery store to buy milk and rent driving lessons. we get along pretty well even though she snores and that makes me a little irritable at night. but she doesnt know, shes asleep.

tonight i talked to annebel on the phone for an incredible two hours and thirty-three minutes. that might be the longest telephone conversation ive ever had. we are going to read wicked together so we feel like we are not so separated. this weekend we will read 63 pages. on sunday night we'll talk about it and decide how much to read next week.

next weekend i am going on the fall getaway with scf, which is a whole day and night and the next morning on kentucky lake just doing fun things. swimming, tubing, sitting around, frisbee, cards, whatever. its only fifteen dollars, im sort of excited.

i think i have two friends. one is jennifer about whom i told you. she is so nice. everyone here is nice. today she had a bow in her ponytail at focus. she gave me a ride to minigolf last weekend and she was genuinely excited when i told her i had read the book of james. the other is kaitlin who is in my world cultures and copyediting classes. i think she likes grammar almost as much as i do. we laugh. i laugh a lot here. i realize this message is probably longer than you bargained for but i want to give you a good picture of how i am. and i am well. i am happy in class. i am happy to go to class. i have time to get my homework finished and still do things. theres free stuff to be had all the time, usually food.

i love you. call me sometime when you can and tell me everything. love, love, love. i miss you too.

sara.

If you love me (and I know you do)

i have all this exciting new contact information. very fun. for example, if you want to email me, you can still use my old email address, but ill also respond at ss412@evansville.edu. and once i figure out how to open my mailbox, you can send me both letters and packages at 501 s. weinbach ave., rm109, evansville, in 47714. finally, although i will eventually call you back if you call my cell, its reception on campus is horrendous and in my room nonexistent, so you should try out my dorm phone at (812)488-5201. if i dont answer, leave a message, because i dont know how to check the missed calls. if after that you cant get ahold of me, well then i probably hate you.

college is fantastic. it is about to storm.

Holy Smokes

my schedule is a work of art.

MWF
10-1050: Lit 241, Major American Writers I
11-1150: German 111, Elementary German
12-1250: World Cultures 110H, Ancient World Reform Honors

TTh
8-915: History 112, World History Since 1500
115-230: Writing 204, Copy Editing

so basically i get to sleep till 930 MWF and im through before one. TTh i have to get up early but its for history with macleod, the greatest professor in the department. plus hes scottish. writing 204 wont be much fun but itll be easy and 205 was full so ill take it next semester. and look at that huge break between history and writing. this was pretty much my ideal schedule, i didnt have to change anything. basically, i am very pleased. so, so pleased.

my dorm is fantastic. spacious. goooood. things are going well.

college

technically due to the hour i leave for college tomorrow. well guess what, i am afraid. so, so afraid, and i dont have the things i need to get over the fear. i dont have enough time to pack gradually or say goodbye gently, all my actions are vicious and quick like the summer was. i told annebel at its beginning that this was the growing up summer and it was. i spent so little time at home and i needed that separation to teach me that i could do it. more than school is keeping me from morgan and i am making desperate attempts to cling to the rest of my friends but they are dust in my hands and spreading out in the hot memphis wind all off to wherever it is they go. wherever it is i go. i am trying to pack but i cant take memphis with me and in the past days i have been more unstable than usual. i settled into the pretty rhythm of leaving and coming home over the summer but this is the big one and im off time again and my clapping cant find the beat. i want to touch everyone i know another time before i leave. i missed saying goodbye to martha and oh i regret it. how can i do all the things that must be done in so little time? i need human contact more often than usual, something to plant me into my roots and some way to bring the skin of home away with me. this whole damn thing would be highlighted in red if i were in ms douglas' class, and off to the side id scribble fig lang. so what? that woman wont be messing with my life anymore. now i am jolting my own. i had a little panic attack a day or two ago and i hoped i had gotten it out of my system but im still fidgety, teary, quick tempered, and desperate to hold. any things, jake, people, myself, pillows, books, my breath, still. i crave affection. god, please, someone be near me. stay close to me.

nights like these

i feel like giving up

nights like these

i dont seem to count for much

beer tastes like blood

my mouth is numb

i cant make the words i need to say