I went to Evansville last weekend and Maria and Guy and I went on a picnic and drank honeysuckle and played with pink cards and sunbathed by the river and swung upside down and dizzied ourselves on a tire swing and sucked at phase 10 and stayed up till four and ate ice cream and explored a skeleton mall and you haven't even heard the half of it.

Hot Hot Hot Oil

Summer is exciting. I have much planned, but it's still so long! I would like to take a class or something, but does anyone have 800 dollars just lying around? Well I don't. I applied for a job I probably will not get. Ah, what I want is something to pass the long afternoons between events. But the time will go quickly enough with all this.

June5-9: Evansville via Brentwood
June11: Dentist hah hah hah
[UPDATE] June15-21: Lakeshore (VCing wilderness 3)
June22-28: Texas road trip
June29-July5: Lakeshore (VCing youth arts/crafts)
[UPDATE] July6-12: Lakeshore (VCing jr. high 3)
July?-?: Evansville again

With luck I will either get a job or get more camps to counsel. August has nothing at all! Except, of course, picnics in all the gazebos in town. Memphis is a beautiful city but I've done everything fifty times already. Next summer I cannot spend this much time here. My knees are killing me already!

May was pretty nice though.

Hello, I've missed you quite terribly.

It would have been silly to post much during the time since I last did because for so long I would just have been repeating myself. No one wants to read "I just wish my friends would come home" that many times, seriously. But now real things have happened, good things. And the things just keep getting better.

May seems like the time when everything got lovely but really it was the end of April. One day Jessica David and I went with some others to see Barack Obama speak. We spent over five hours there to hear him for twenty minutes and it was worth it. But you know, it's really more important that I went with Jeska than where I went because I have never mentioned her here before but she is so important! In twenty years what will matter is that I spent the whole semester hugging this girl and getting thought a lesbian for it and not minding because we are Hetero-Life-Partners-4-Life.


After Obama nothing good happened until April 30th, reading study day. But then four good things happened all at once; honestly I don't know how I handled it. Let's walk through the day together, shall we? I got up and took a shower, already a good start, and was getting ready at a leisurely rate at around eleven with every belief that nothing would happen for the next hour. However, shortly thereafter, my sweet roommate Chelsea's boyfriend (whom I affectionately call) DomDom (even though he hates it) nearly punched me in the face with the door, and his eagerness entirely made up for plenty of times when I've wished he had ovaries so I could put him in front of the microwave and turn it on, because he said, "I just saw Guy Wyant coming up the sidewalk." The next three minutes were proof I have prophetic dreams (see 16 March). I spent the next hour and a half after that hugging him, hello lovely home from England thing. This one--


Just a few minutes before one, then, I was downstairs standing in the lobby waiting for another one, and I almost got hit by a car honestly, running to Jennifer. We went together to the student publications lunch and came back to school to form the best quad-fecta of our generation, the two of us and Jeska and Guy, at least for a little while.


At five, directly following the arrival of Matt and Alex, the plan that Jackie and Bernard and Chelsea came up with to make my day as embarrassing as possible went into effect. With everyone watching, Guy and John Posey played Pomp and Circumstance on accordion and saxophone and my dear friends held a high school graduation ceremony for me, hideous maroon robes and all. When I gave up on my attempts to hide behind Chelsea, Molly gave the commencement address, Jennifer and Jeska played my parents, and Katie conferred upon me the diploma signifying my graduation from Posexy High (whose school song, by the way, is "Hey There Delilah").


For the next several days I did very little studying and an enormous amount of being around people I have missed so, so terribly. We ate 31-cent ice cream and spent all our time around each other. Early Saturday morning, Matt and Alex left for their respective Illinois homes. Saturday night we held birthday celebrations for John Posey with ice cream and Cosmo and cookie cake. Jen stayed until Sunday and her last night we slept in the boat. Guy came and went between his house and his brother's house and Powell but never really left for good.


On Monday I stole Guy and was drinking a sub-par hot chocolate at Cafe Apostrophe and talking to him like old times when Maria showed up in the door freshly home from Europe. I knocked a chair over, but not on purpose of course. I didn't let her go for an hour until she had to go see other people for a while. I have no pictures of her from these days even though they were wonderful, which I guess means I'll just have to go back to visit.

...
I wish I could remember every second but I'm already forgetting things. The people behind me and Guy at Iron Man were making duck noises the whole time. I got a scarf from Poland and a beret from Paris. Jacket thievery, Toss 'n' Catch, She's the Man, saying "Two, please." All that sleeping in the boat. Cardboard Alex in my room, packing, Jamal, the lounge cleaned, the lounge goodbyed for good. The last night we tried so hard to stay up but fell asleep on the floor, then on the couch again and again, and I wanted to talk more and say so much more but the leaving is so much less painful when soon really means soon.

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Last night I dreamt that three of my friends were back suddenly and no one knew they were coming, but I saw them from the window and froze and then ran outside where the sun was shining, and they were there all bright shining too, and I laughed like you wouldn't believe, and oh how wonderful it was-- (like a dream, but then, it was a dream.)

What a beautiful day.

I don't care it if gets cold again--it's spring!

Awesome things about everything:
It's Wednesday.
The sun!
Mango smoothie.
NMSC just gave me four thousand dollars.
Two days left in my childhood.
Outside!
March will be round-off-able in just a few days.
I love everyone <3

WHAT THE HELL POWELL HALL
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

the brightest thing is the sun, so the bright side is the side from which it rises.

east

Survival Techniques

I am spending the first five days of spring break in Rosendale with Amelia. I am the last one to visit. We are going to have fruit and fine cheeses and ice cream every day, lie in beds, loll about, have adventures, take pictures, sip sweet teas, bundle up, and think only of happy sleepy beautiful things. The plane ticket has been purchased, the deal is on. It's happening. An added bonus? It's 766 miles closer.

Since I'm flying I'll be home too, at the end, for a few days, and I'll be able to see my loves in Memphis. Harbortown, you guys. And maybe it'll finally be warm.

Last night I dreamed of cobblestones and sun and people who are very far away being very close. Everyone was happy. Everyone was smiling.

It's Not the Holiday Season

Tomorrow morning I go back to Evansville. It is a strange feeling because for a good eleven years past, watching Christmas break end was a travesty. Now though, I can't get back soon enough. England has taken everyone (<--moderate hyperbole) but still, I need to get out of Memphis. The break has been way too emotionally stressful (despite a healthy dose of great fun) and right now being in this city just reminds me that I am sad. I have trouble figuring out what I got out of the past few weeks, because there was all this excellent stuff--seeing my friends from home and getting and giving presents and laughing and shouting and talking on the phone and driving everywhere--that means Christmas 2k7 and the surrounding time off was a success, but I have never spent more hurrah-not-in-school time feeling so sad, and lonely. Hattie said sometime during this time that next semester I'll just be like all the other kids who go to college and have an okay time and are basically happy but wish they were happier, but that the difference between me and them is I get to know that the perfect miracle I had first semester is going to come back to me. I think that's a pretty good way to look at it.

At any rate, Memphis, thank you for your time, and I love you, but I'm through and nothing but ready to be nowhere but Evansville. Got that? I really don't want to have to handle any more time here because right now all I can think about is sucky, and I know at school there's some goodness left to be had.

Two Thousand Eight is a Big Number

Looking back at my goals for 2007, which are not posted here, I think I did an okay job. There were fifteen and I'm satisfied with my progress on ten of them. This year, I'll simplify, because enough is complicated already. For 2008:

--Be more of a lady.
--Save money to see my friends.
--Make 2008 worth the pain.
--Be healthy.
--Love people.

I think I can do those things. 2008 is a kind of a big deal. The plan is this. In January I say goodbye for real for a long time. In February it's cold. In March I see Amelia if I'm lucky, and turn eighteen. In April, at the end of it, God willing, maybe I get to say hello again. In May I take exams and love Memphis. In the summer, in an ideal universe, I go to Atlanta, Dallas, Evansville, Lakeshore, Nashville, and Vincennes, and all those places come to me. In August I prepare. In September I go to England. In October and November I go everywhere I can. In December I come home. It's going to be fast and terrifying, but with the effort I'm going to put in, it's going to be worth it. I'll be ready.

And I don't know how
but the closest friends I've ever known
are all inside
singing together.

(I wish.)

I miss you all. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Merry Christmas, darlings.

i cant pretend this is okay anymore. this faux optimism is such a lie. the truth: ITS NOT OKAY. you cant just leave me okay? you cant. dont. please. please. stay. its not okay. im not okay.

Explanation

I haven't had much to write here because I tell every detail I can remember of every day to Annebel in very long emails, and I write letters. Everything I have to say sounds better in a letter. Maybe I am not a poet but a letter writer. That's okay with me, I think.

For those of you who love me, so do I. College is hard and I am busy and stressed and never have any time and procrastinate anyway--but I love it. There is good here and I have found it, and even with all the good that is about to leave me way, way too soon, there is enough staying behind to keep College wonderful. I'm just a girl.

Thanksgiving, From Emails to Annebel

--Tuesday: Josh Sigler and Kristen and CK's, we met Lauren Huddleston and Nick and Lena, I ate a waffle, it was delicious, I took Josh home, Kristen and I sat in my bed talking about boys and college for a little while, I took her home, I went to sleep.

--Wednesday: I awoke to your call (what better way?), it was your birthday, I took you to Harbortown and we took pictures for real, I had to go to the dentist, we got Kristen and cheesecake, you didn't buy that dress at American Apparel, the sky got real scary, we went to Kroger for tortellini and you and Kristen tormented me when I had nowhere to run, we made food and had a Zac Efron sandwich on hot foreign boy bread, we went to sleep.

--Thursday: I took Kristen home, I took you home, I made mashed taters, it was Thanksgiving. I called Spencer's mom to ask if she still had any shirts from Guy's Tuxedos, which she used to own and was my brother's first job and also my mom worked there for a few years, and she said she'd look. I was planning an excellent gift. She and Spencer and his brother Jason came over for food, she brought me the shirt, we ate and Spencer and I saw August Rush, which was great, then went by his house, which was boring, then I came home. I went to Martha's and we all made warrior costumes (See my most recent album on FB. In fact, look at all of those pictures because they are all great, not just the ones you're in.), we attacked Ryan's house, we went to a playground, picked up Jack Katze, went to CK's, I had a waffle, I went home.

--Friday: Eileen, Martha, Ryan, and eventually Eric Neimeyer went to Ms. Kitts' house to make cookies and had a wonderful time. We cooked and played the instruments and spent several hours enjoying the fine company. I took Eileen to Morgan Fox's house so she could go to RENT. I got my Morgan and we went to the Neimeyer potluck and ate a lot of food, played team Scrabble and foreign team scrabble, experimented with the flash on my and Hattie's camera. Morgan and I went to Eileen's to sleep.

--Saturday: We got up and played with Mia (Eileen's sister who is almost four), tried to take her to lunch but didn't have time so we took her home and went to Brother Juniper's, where I had a waffle, which makes three total. I took a very fast shower and got you and we saw Dan in Real Life and got Starbucks and you got mad at me for being too sarcastic to your friends but I really did like them. I took you home. I ate Chinese food and went to the Nathan and Jesse household for a while, saw them and Lauren Strange and Ryan and Martha and Cole Reeves, got my clothes smelling like fire, hugged everyone, got Lena, and went to Mercer and Lilla's birthday party, which was fun. After it I took Lena home, but she and I sat in her driveway for an hour talking. She is a lot smarter than people think and I think she has a lot figured out about life. She told me a lot of good stuff that I am considering if the opportunity arises. I thanked her and went home, packed, slept.

--Sunday: I woke up, we drove back, it rained the whole way, mom and I played Remember Facts About My Friends, I was at college.

Stones

taught me to fly

Love

taught me to cry

So come on, courage,

teach me to be shy

cause it's not hard to fall

My Schedule, Once Again, is Delightful

MWF
10-1050: German 112, Elementary German II (Meredig)
12-1250: World Cultures 120H, Emergence of the Modern World (Unknown Professor, but if it's Brian Ernsting I will stand up and leave the moment he walks in the room.)
2-250: Writing 205, Intro to Imaginative Writing (Bone)

TTh
930-1045: Lit 242, Major American Writers II (Brown)
11-1215: History 341, Colonial America 1607-1774 (Gahan)

Please note:
Writing 205 from Paul Bone, history from Maria's dad, no classes at 8AM, lots of awesomeness, and oh yeah, I'll be living on the third floor with Chelsea. So, I have established, even though five (or maybe six) of my eight dearest friends will be gone (Maria, Jennifer, Kelly, Guy, Alex, and maybe Kent), next semester might be okay.

There was a time

about forty-five minutes ago, when for maybe four minutes, i was thinking about lakeshore next summer, and my world cultures paper that is due in less than nine hours was completely out of my thoughts. and it was wonderful.

update: i had a panic attack. my morning was horrible, but tonight i felt pretty for the first time in years.

Die Leben Einschätzung Zwei

so a little over a year ago i did a life assessment and i decided it would be a terrific idea to do it again.

• i love college. i love college. i love love love love love love college.

• a lot of the things that were true in august 2006 are still true in october 2007. but some of them are not. for example, the next eight bullets:
• i dont have to want college now because i have it. it is all i thought it would be and i am so happy.
• it doesnt matter that i am no good at math because i never have to take it again and i am so happy.
• mr brown no longer makes me want to die die die because he no longer has jurisdiction over me and i am so happy.
• high school is now out of my face and i was right, i do love life a lot more.
• i dont really have that strong an opinion on willifords anymore.
• i have accepted that nathaniel hawthorne was in fact a man.
• novus was cancelled so i didnt quit, but i did stop before i left the city. however, it was not of my own volition.
• i am still terrified of failure and never getting married but i am no longer afraid of being late to class and not being able to pay for college and dancing and being caught with a cellphone at school.

• the worst thing in my life right now is that my roommate snores and likes to keep the room cooler than i do.
• i love to write letters.
• i dont really need to watch tv.
• my heart of hearts spends approximately 60% of the day pining for ron weasley.
• i can probably get really great at german, and that is really exciting.
• i want a boy who takes my mind off my mouth.
• im a little closer to being pro-life than i expected to be.
• i am capable of getting my laundry and dishes done and cleaning my room.
• i feel uncomfortable financially when i am not saving money for something, but the only big thing i want that i dont have is a macbook, and i think im going to get one in about a year, so i am saving my money for going to africa. my mother told me that my father doesnt want me to go to africa, and i told her that he cant stop me.
• im still not sure what i think about jesus.
• riding my bike makes me feel like a little kid in the best possible way.
• i could probably live a happy life as an editor but i still want to be a professor.
• i like children a lot.
• my ultimate goal is 138.
• sometimes i play tetris in my head without thinking about it.
• college is hard, but i can do it.
• in less than a year, i will be in england. its going to be the absolute greatest.
• in two or three years, i wont have a home in memphis anymore. im not sure what i think about that, but the new house is going to be beautiful.
• i probably like you a lot.

Fall Break, and Why I Haven't Posted in so Long

part one. on friday i was very tired. i turned in my lit paper, i didnt go to german, i took a quiz on the qur'an, i ate lunch, i took a five hour drive, and i was home. i saw annebel first and we got morgan and mpc. we picked up kristen and josh from The Game and took annebel and josh home, and eventually kristen too. morgan spent the night, we fell asleep pretty fast.

on saturday morgan and i watched the following films:
--the fellowship of the ring extended edition (208 minutes)
--the two towers extended edition (223 minutes)
--the return of the king extended edition (250 minutes)
for a grand total of eleven hours and twenty-one minutes of lord of the rings action in one day. morgan spent the night again.

on sunday i took morgan home early to do things like read beowulf. i went to old navy with my mother. i got annebel. we planned to take a million pictures. we went to shelby farms and smoothie king, and tried to go to the swing but there were kids on it. at shelby farms we were swinging on a big red tire and a tiny boy named joshua came and swung with us for a while. he had freckles and was, i think, about five. annebel and i went back to my home to make dinner, and when we realized we were making way too much for two people, we called kristen and she came too. there were still tons of leftovers. we didnt take any pictures. i took annebel home. we went to kristens. we tried to make brownies for nathan and jesse but they failed miserably. they looked like lava and felt like sponges and tasted like not much at all. i mean the brownies, not nathan and jesse. so we took nathan and jesse a lot of candy instead and left right before midnight. kristen and i had a good talk as we often do. africa, running, college, the electoral college, etc.

on monday kristen and i made bagel sandwiches and went to the lunches at white station. we tried to be good and check in but apparently they dont allow visitation, so we snuck around. next time we'll wear the uniform. we went with chris to herr sturgis' room and he wasnt there at first but then he was. josh came too. we saw some people we love in c lunch and afterwards sat in on stephes class for a while and then went to see across the universe with spencer, which was very good. kristen and i went to ABC and saw a few people but mostly she had a croissant and i had an asiago bagel. thats the most important part. it started raining, we went to target. i bought a hat and a bowl. morgan came over again and we watched three episodes of buffy. annebel brought me brownies and a bag of supplies from her mother: oatmeal, soup, tic tacs, gum, apple cider mix, butterscotch chips. i took kristen and morgan home, watched kucinich on the colbert report, and went to sleep. in the morning i came back to evansville. there you go.

part two. the reason i havent posted so long is because ive been busy. midterm time is a very dangerous time. its not quite over but im doing okay. i am working on life assessment two. i love you all.