for a while ive been thinking about honesty. not a lot, not like sitting down for an hour every day and just thinking, but once in a while for two minutes or five seconds itll cross my mind, and ive come across something. i need a place where i can be honest. i cant tell my secrets here, i cant tell them to my friends.. not like i have that many secrets anyway, im so GOOD all the time. (im going to be the designated driver, cant you tell?) but what few secrets i have i wont type, cause mom said never put anything in a keyboard you dont want read in court. i wont write them in a diary, cause im TIRED of only writing in that freaky lisa frank thing when im sad. seriously, if you read it youd think i was suicidal or lovesick or something. which im not EVER (suicidal) or at least often (lovesick). there are things i wont even admit to myself, that i cant even THINK in the loudest voice in my head. mind you, im no schizo, i can just think like three different conversations or speeches or songs or poems or ways to abolish the uniform policy in my head at once sometimes, and some of the voices are louder than others.

on kind of a different topic, ive also noticed im trying to pretty me up, and change some things i do. better myself or whatever. look at this...
i gave up diet coke and sweets for lent (though ive cheated on the sweet enough times already)
i finally got around to cutting my hair some
i try to read more
the procrastination level is down ever so little
ive been doing crunches at night
i bought new jeans (i look good in jeans)
i bought a flattering red shirt (i look good in red)
i finally got around to wearing dangly earrings, which make me look older
popcorn and chocolate milk are slowly being replaced with special k and orange juice.

do you see? do you see? im doing it, getting better, finally DOING something to get myself closer to who i WANT to be, how i WANT to look, what i WANT to do with myself. no complaints, i just am wondering why im getting to this now. due to more thinking, i may have an idea.

you never thought itd be me who wanted to impress a boy, did you?

had a fairly nice day today again, but not as MOST EXCELLENT as yesterday. i did my optimism speech in bordys class. yknow, the one that has to be four minutes. it was 3.18, hah. o well, ill get like a 95 anyway. apparently i am physically incapable talking any slower than Completely Incomprehensible. o well.

while journeying to history, chapel sent me to the office because my socks didnt match. one was black and one was yellow. grey made me wear some other ones which i still have and plan to burn in my backyard some-a-wheres.

eileen and i had an arguement about people not doing their work. she kept saying i dont like people who dont to their work. which i wasnt. i was saying that they should do their work. which they should.

and thats sad, cause i dont like arguing. but its 10 days till my birthday.

i had a good day again, hannah. i dont think i told my trusty blog readers (who DONT EXIST) that i named it hannah. i know its not an amazing name, but its a name, and better than kitty (crazy anne frank). anyway, this makes it almost like im talking to someone and not rattling off my little senile head. hah. ms looney.

anyway, i had a good day. and im going to tell you why.
the popquiz had more than 5 questions. i dont remember how many, but it was more than five
i think i only missed one
i got the bonus
we started bott groups but not enough to have homework
speaking of homework, i had NONE
after school, the greatest thing ever. hattie. em. duncan. emma. (and bruce, but he doesnt matter). they came and saw us. i LOVE THEM.
although most people ran away to be eaten by mr quinn, duncan stayed with us hill-wise and CAME HOME WITH ME.
duncan, eileen, morgie and i went thrifting and i got a brown dress.
its a PRETTY brown dress, by gum.
i got a school approved and still krunk skirtthing
duncan morgan and i had funbeans listening to paul fosters speech
eileen came over, and was our christmas ho.
drew took 21 dollars from me, but with interest i get 25 back.

and that is why i had a good day. good day good night. good night.

im happy. im happy that my math distress over the quadratic formula is lessened, and that i finished my homework in class and need only to study for history, and that we're having ravioli for dinner, and that its 13 days till my birthday.

now, about that studying. i am SO glad the quiz wasnt today, else i wouldve been, like, extensively screwed. i DID study section four and all, but not nearly enough. i read it, what? three or four times. but it covers 12 years, so. yeah. definitely not enough studying going on there. i need to look up the states involved in super tuesday for extra credit purposes. *goes and does that* there. w00t. look at new york with its 236 delegates. thats exciting. except that california has 370, but shhhh.

mom is on a foreign films spree. she rented four. this ones in swedish, o how amused i am. it is very.

nathan was telling me about how he managed to tell someone something that he shouldnt have. and the beginning of this explanation was as follows: "so sean and i were sitting at the table and suddenly we started talking about pimps." of course, having not heard the rest of this story same as most of you, i was amused out the DOOR. indeed. i cant think of anything else to say, so i wont.

i should post more. i really should. but i dont. and we have a popquiz tomorrow. and if i pass it that 55 goes out the window without use of my 100 dollar bill. which is a VERY GOOD THING.

they made out in front of me today.

jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive talkin, tellin me lies! jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive talkin, don wear no disguise, and when you kickballCHANGE, kickballCHANGE, up and look, up and look!

.ahem.

night fever night feve-herrr! we know how t'SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE and PELVIS! and PELVIS!

okay. what happened today? robbie (epiphanyboy, not choirboy) asked me how i jive, and i said jiiiiiiiiiiiive talkin, tellin me lies. and i asked him how he jived and he didnt know. isnt that sad. yes it is. uhm, trying to think of what happened today. o right. pop quiz in jackson. if im lucki got a 65. I HATE THINGS WITH ONLY FIVE QUESTIONS. yes i do. did i spell lucky with an i up there? i think i did. okay. ms stallins lost her voice and tried to talk anyway and it hurt my voice listening to her. so i didnt. in better news

TOMORROW IS HAPPY DAY! there will be kraker and it will be good. YAY

o! fun things!
eadh bheil an latha air naomh padruig; gach neach bheal gaidhealach.
its st. pattys day; everyones irish.
and
m'ruideiginn am eadar-theangaich gaidhealach faod slac BHUR ruideiginn am eadar-theangaich gaidhealach
my gaelic translator could beat up YOUR gaelic translator.
and thats all.

hokay. so i dont post often enough so no one reads my blog. o well.
evan and stuart checked out within five minutes of each other today in fourth period. we thought they were sneaking off to do some mischief, but really stuart was six and evan was having a dentist appointment. i said six up there where i meant sick. anyway. so there was no stuart and no evan, and therefore in fifth period clue, which is WAY BETTER THAN THIRD PERIOD, there were no boys and bordy gave us candies for girlday.

i still havent paid spencer back for my john mayer ticket. maybe he'll forget, except that he wont.

i have an 88 in jackson. AN EIGHTY EIGHT. lately people have been doing that thing about "a B isnt that bad." and i hate that thing. maybe if i told them that theyd stop. no they wouldnt. then morgan said that made her feel stupid that i think a B is bad, and i told her i didnt think a B was bad for anyone but me and thats true, but im not sure she believed me. it would be great if not getting straight As didnt eat my soul.

Hobbit kid is great.

A-Lunch cant talk because they threw stuff. id explain this in great detail but everyone who reads my blog already knows.

about valentines day:
its lame because every valentines day more people who arent me have boyfriends. and more people have boyfriends and these people arent me. maybe they would be if i was a slut. or lowered my standards. but i plan on doing neither of those things, so theyll continue to be other than me. and thats lame. im taking kristen to the imax because theyre not her either. we can be man-less together.

upon reading morgans comment i was reminded of another funny evan thingthing. in bordy's class we had to write these shortened five paragraph essays, right? okay.

evan: "okay, this is the thesis statement combined with the map sentence. 'if i could be any famous person for one day, i would want to be brad pitt because hes been in so many cool movies, hes really rich, and he has the hottest girlfriend EVER.'"
now that was funny. but i said a funny thing too.
me: "i want you to be brad pitt for a day too, evan."
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. i love myself.

im going to the movies today. with hattie, kathryn, spencer, robbie, duncan and emmie (?), and some other folks. this is exciting because i love all those people. but its even MORE exciting because i thought we were gunna go see the butterfly effect which i want very much NOT to see and then! i found out we're seeing the perfect score instead. im going to sit by hattie and if duncans there im going to sit by her too, no question. i love my smurfs like a mutha. i need to invite eileen cuz spencer and kathryn both told me to invite her. so i will. invite her. okay.

kathryn and hattie and so forth met robbie at thespian conference and kathryn didnt know he was epiphany boy cause i didnt tell her. and how theyre all lovely friends and kathryn was talking to me about epiphany boy who is called epiphany boy only when its me and hattie talking. kathryn calls him "that guy spencer tried to set you up with." hes that too. aaaaaaanyway. so later in that conversation we're talking about who alls going to the movies and i says to her i says "robbie who?" and she says "we met him at thespian conference. spencers friend." and i asks her if hes a houstonboy and she says "yes" and i say "AAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH" and i tells her "thats him" and she says "whats him?" and i copypastes the part of the conversation where she was like, "whatever happened to that guy spencer tried to set you up with?" and she figgered it out and we both had a nice laugh.

it was a very nice laugh.

more crazy dreamness...
duncan dyed her hair black. and sat in a blue box. and cried.

there was a lot more and i woke up and remembered all of it. and i said to myself i said "kyle--" kyle? thats what i call myself. i said "youd better remember ALL of this cause its so dang cool." but the duncan thing is all i remember.

evan has decided that when i write my autobiography im going to name it "the congregation of tall people and sam."

"so. these two guys walk into a bar. and one of thems irish."
"im irish."
"and the irish guy... wins the joke!"

arent you glad i write such long posts?

okay. so im at morgans but shes at walgreens with brock for batteries cause he wants an excuse to drive. hattie wants me to come to a movie and i want to see hattie like a muhfuh. but im all at the morgans and i dunno if her things gunna be over by then and AMELIAS HERE! woot. we're'a'gunna go thriftin i think. which is jollygoodfun but i have no money. which means i can only afford like half the thrift store. HAH im funny. the end.

"im becoming an angry feminist as we speak." -Justin

thats not exactly what he said, and it was a few days ago, but blogger wasnt letting me post then. he was listening to ani i think.

went back to old template cause the pink was starting to bug me, a bit bright, and the archives were drugged.

morgan, in reference to the dreams ive blogged lately: "i love your dreams, by the way. they are romantic. the orlando bloom one is romance novel on acid. it is hot!"

o BUGGER. so aol was blocking my blog right? so i figured it was just the parental controls gone batty like always, and completely forgot about the angry post where i cussed like four times and the one where i was ungrateful. (have now edited the cussy post and deleted the ungrateful one.) i put in a request to allow it and mom got the request and did the whole Disappointed Thing. yknow, where you dont actually get punished but you feel bloody awful. yknow. but then, im NOT ungrateful anymore cause i thought about it and im fine and dandy, and i told her that, but i doubt she believed me. anyway, its true, but i didnt post it cause its not like i post a follow up to everything i blog, plus its not terribly interesting then is it? no. i wonder what she thought snogging meant before i told her...

on a slightly less disappointing note, hattie and i discovered an online gaelic course and are now teaching ourselves. shes better though... well, faster at least. feasgar math (good evening).

i need to blog this dream before i forget it. it was like a really bad movie...

began in a silveryblue matrixthecar land documentary. a thing that looked nothing like a skateboard but was understood to be one was sliding along the silveryblue matrixthecar pipes. a really lame and boring documentary narrator guy was monotonously explaining how the thing worked. in the dream i knew exactly what every weird little hotdog shaped button did, but ive forgotten. scenechange. we're still in silveryblue matrixthecar land. but now theres orlando bloom, and soon we get the really bad movie. i think i may have been stalking him. but eventually there was conversation, the only bit of which i remember was him saying (in angry legolas voice) "do i make you squirm?" which was understood to mean he thought i only liked him cause hes ridiculously attractive and all. then he walked off, but i, being the romantic interest in this really bad movie, went to find him. eventually i did. he was standing next to a really pretty little girl of probably nine with shoulderlength straight black hair who was his sister. and he seemed to have calmed down a bit. i said "thats a beautiful child" because it was, and he said "this is my sister" and something about how she was russian and german. then there was badmovieconversation blablabla and he said "this is my life. i love it here." conversationmoremorebla and then he said something about how young i was and i said id get older (it was understood that i would be the only one getting any older in this process) and he did the orlandobloomsmile and said "why dont you give me a call sometime between now and then?" and wrote his phone number on a straegically torn piece of paper that just happened to be laying around in silveryblue matrixthecar land, and the area code was 738.

THE END.

mom told me she thought she'd gotten the extended version, so shes gonna exchange it. yay.

last night i dreamt i snogged christian slater in the street in new york. but there were no cars.

(in no particular order) it rained last night, but it was at like 2.30 in the morning, and the alarm was long since on, so i couldnt go outside and force myself to finish the friken poem ive been trying to write since 7623BC or thereabouts. (beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel theres a fire thats just waiting for fuel.) god i wanna finish that mutha. and i HAVE to finish it by christmas, which is like, what?, day after tomorrow. holy omicheesebeans. (and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but youre not gonna stop me from having fun, so lets go before i change my mind.) BEANS.

Thursday, February 06, 2003
that is the last time hattie posted on her blog. arent you glad im not hattie?