for a while ive been thinking about honesty. not a lot, not like sitting down for an hour every day and just thinking, but once in a while for two minutes or five seconds itll cross my mind, and ive come across something. i need a place where i can be honest. i cant tell my secrets here, i cant tell them to my friends.. not like i have that many secrets anyway, im so GOOD all the time. (im going to be the designated driver, cant you tell?) but what few secrets i have i wont type, cause mom said never put anything in a keyboard you dont want read in court. i wont write them in a diary, cause im TIRED of only writing in that freaky lisa frank thing when im sad. seriously, if you read it youd think i was suicidal or lovesick or something. which im not EVER (suicidal) or at least often (lovesick). there are things i wont even admit to myself, that i cant even THINK in the loudest voice in my head. mind you, im no schizo, i can just think like three different conversations or speeches or songs or poems or ways to abolish the uniform policy in my head at once sometimes, and some of the voices are louder than others.

on kind of a different topic, ive also noticed im trying to pretty me up, and change some things i do. better myself or whatever. look at this...
i gave up diet coke and sweets for lent (though ive cheated on the sweet enough times already)
i finally got around to cutting my hair some
i try to read more
the procrastination level is down ever so little
ive been doing crunches at night
i bought new jeans (i look good in jeans)
i bought a flattering red shirt (i look good in red)
i finally got around to wearing dangly earrings, which make me look older
popcorn and chocolate milk are slowly being replaced with special k and orange juice.

do you see? do you see? im doing it, getting better, finally DOING something to get myself closer to who i WANT to be, how i WANT to look, what i WANT to do with myself. no complaints, i just am wondering why im getting to this now. due to more thinking, i may have an idea.

you never thought itd be me who wanted to impress a boy, did you?