And my head, and my head, on anyone's shoulder,
'cause I can't be with you.
22 September 2007
18 September 2007
Clubs I've Joined Since I Got to College
College Mentors for Kids
--technically i havent joined this yet, but i have applied. my interview is tomorrow and i hope i get it. if i do, ill spend monday afternoons hanging out with elementary kids from the charter school in town and teaching them that they can overcome adversity and go to college and all that. and probably how to make ice cream with nitroglycerin or something. awesome.
Colleges Against Cancer
--this one pretty much explains itself. its a big club with hardly any boys and we signed a contract that we'll pay ten dollars and come to meetings and work on awareness projects etc etc. they meet every other tuesday at nine. i dont like cancer so i joined.
Evansville Review
--evansvilles annual collection of all the good writing they can get their hands on from all over. im an assistant editor. most of my work is this semester when ill read poems upon poems upon short stories upon creative works of nonfiction and rate them all for overall quality and basically help decide what gets in out of about 2000 submissions.
German Club
--havent actually been to this one yet. the first meeting was last night but i had to read about trade in 1500. its mondays at eight and yesterday they went around campus chalking german phrases all over the ground.
Quidditch Club
--this is mondays at 1015pm and last night we had the sorting. im not gonna lie, it was pretty cool and very well done. the hat had a song and everything and it was all very cool. i got ravenclaw, which is good, cause if i didnt i would have probably quit the club. next week is trivia and the girl who notoriously knows everything about harry potter is in ravenclaw too. we are going to own. i mean, someone asked her what color was hermiones nightgown in sorcerers stone, and she knew.
Student Christian Fellowship
--scf meets every friday at 630 for FOCUS, which is capitalized even though it doesnt stand for anything. its basically the closest thing to lakeshore that isnt lakeshore. its not incredibly close but its good. we sing and listen and pray and sing and sing. theres a lot of singing. tuesday nights at 9 we have small group study on the book of james, which i go to. both of the leaders are wonderful. one is the first person i met when i got here and the other talks like allyson zimmerman.
Writers in the Schools
--i probably wont get to do this till next semester but you and a partner go off campus to an elementary school (or sometimes middle) and take over a class and teach the nine year olds to love poetry. i am pretty much psyched about it.
seven clubs is enough, right? i think so. honors tea is tuesdays at 4 and church is sundays at 1030 and theres yoga mondays and wednesdays at 530 and oh dear, so much to do. college, college, college! its delightful.
--technically i havent joined this yet, but i have applied. my interview is tomorrow and i hope i get it. if i do, ill spend monday afternoons hanging out with elementary kids from the charter school in town and teaching them that they can overcome adversity and go to college and all that. and probably how to make ice cream with nitroglycerin or something. awesome.
Colleges Against Cancer
--this one pretty much explains itself. its a big club with hardly any boys and we signed a contract that we'll pay ten dollars and come to meetings and work on awareness projects etc etc. they meet every other tuesday at nine. i dont like cancer so i joined.
Evansville Review
--evansvilles annual collection of all the good writing they can get their hands on from all over. im an assistant editor. most of my work is this semester when ill read poems upon poems upon short stories upon creative works of nonfiction and rate them all for overall quality and basically help decide what gets in out of about 2000 submissions.
German Club
--havent actually been to this one yet. the first meeting was last night but i had to read about trade in 1500. its mondays at eight and yesterday they went around campus chalking german phrases all over the ground.
Quidditch Club
--this is mondays at 1015pm and last night we had the sorting. im not gonna lie, it was pretty cool and very well done. the hat had a song and everything and it was all very cool. i got ravenclaw, which is good, cause if i didnt i would have probably quit the club. next week is trivia and the girl who notoriously knows everything about harry potter is in ravenclaw too. we are going to own. i mean, someone asked her what color was hermiones nightgown in sorcerers stone, and she knew.
Student Christian Fellowship
--scf meets every friday at 630 for FOCUS, which is capitalized even though it doesnt stand for anything. its basically the closest thing to lakeshore that isnt lakeshore. its not incredibly close but its good. we sing and listen and pray and sing and sing. theres a lot of singing. tuesday nights at 9 we have small group study on the book of james, which i go to. both of the leaders are wonderful. one is the first person i met when i got here and the other talks like allyson zimmerman.
Writers in the Schools
--i probably wont get to do this till next semester but you and a partner go off campus to an elementary school (or sometimes middle) and take over a class and teach the nine year olds to love poetry. i am pretty much psyched about it.
seven clubs is enough, right? i think so. honors tea is tuesdays at 4 and church is sundays at 1030 and theres yoga mondays and wednesdays at 530 and oh dear, so much to do. college, college, college! its delightful.
12 September 2007
Books I've Read Since I Got to College
(Including scholastically and... pleasurably?)
Completed--
- The Epic of Gilgamesh
- The Book of James
- Einstein's Dreams
- Brokeback Mountain (a short story, I know)
- Artemis Fowl Two
- Without You
Begun--
- Worlds Together, Worlds Apart (my history textbook)
- Wicked
- The Lovely Bones
To Be Read This Semester, for School--
- The Book of Genesis
- The Koran (selections)
- The Dialogues of Plato
- The Inferno
- Tao Te Ching
- The Prince
- The Norton Anthology (extensive selections)
- The Scarlet Letter
- Wieland
To Be Read This Semester, for Myself--
- [All those begun]
- Flowers for Algernon
- Brave New World
- Voyage of the Turtle
- Stardust
- Memoirs of a Geisha
- Alpha and Omega
- Peter Pan
- The Children of Hurin
- Unfinished Tales (if I can get to it)
Can it be done? Only time will tell. Come back next week for further developments.
08 September 2007
From "Messages to Kristen Howell"
7 september 2007
i have the bbyd cast picture on my desk so i can look at you while im typing. is that weird? i dont know. but you know i secretly loved that show, so much. anyway as long as you dont turn into a psycho bitch or get distant ill be okay. dont be a stranger is what im saying. i miss you. you sound tired. you will be finished soon and have some good friends.
dorm-away-college is really wonderful. somehow i am surprised to find it has met all my expectations. you of course know how terrified i was in the days before i left, but the awkwardness, though still obviously present, is beginning to lose the fight. i am so happy here. and i read things like marthas livejournal and how shes so sad at college and i dont know how i got so lucky. most of my friends took their best choice of five or seven or ten schools and still they are not all happy? i applied to memphis and here and took evansville because they promised me money, not because i had thoroughly researched it. and yet here i am and it is so wonderful. i have said wonderful already but its true.
i have gotten pretty well involved with the student christian fellowship. they are nice. they sing. they smile and everyone is always cheerful and glad to see you. so i have gone to church both sundays, and i go to a thing called focus on fridays which is like singing and a lesson and some praying and more singing, and i really like it. and i joined a small group studying the book of james. i picked that one because the two leaders appeal to me. one is a girl named jennifer, who is the first person i met when i came here. she is a sophomore and i think we are friends. we laugh and theres not a lot of awkward pauses. the other is a girl named shelley from kentucky. shes little and has blonde curls and she talks like allyson zimmerman, who i know at lakeshore and who is also from kentucky.
i went to the first quidditch club meeting and i liked it but not as much as id hoped. they are just not classy about how they love harry potter. they love it because they love to wear silky robes and shout spells at each other and pretend to be wizards. i love to do those things too (except the silky robes because theyre unrealistic) but i also love to know the characters and soak up the story and learn from the themes. i love that any shortcomings are overcome by a wealth of wonder and that everything fits together. i know this sounds a little elitist but they just do not love harry potter as classily as i do. but ill give it a try.
in my classes almost everything is picturesque. in american lit, my teacher has this fluid voice like she has lived all of this literature, and she appreciates everything. the class puts our desks in a circle and a lot of people talk. in german, frau pleasant is young and wears green rectangle glasses and almost always hiking boots and a skirt or dress. today she had a blue dress with a blue jacket and chalk stains all over her. she seems the type to lose a pen in her hair, if you understand that characterization. she is so energetic and loves german and laughs and gestures hugely. world cultures is my least favorite class but i still like it. my professor refers to himself in the third person a lot and his quizzes are hard, but the material is still somewhat interesting. we're moving now from gilgamesh into genesis. my world history professor is scottish and has only been in america eight years. last class he gave us this extremely eloquently constructed explanation of the butterfly effect, showing the existence of israel to be a direct result of francis ferdinands driver turning left instead of right. i just eat that class up. copyediting is pretty much grammar for the first half so you know i am in my element. dr bone gives fantastic sentences as examples. there were several problems with the presidents speech. the sheepish dominatrix ruined my party.
that is most of my time spent active. i go and do something at least almost all days, but i have gotten some reading done and a lot of tetris. yesterday i read the book of james, brokeback mountain, and einsteins dreams, which i think is a pretty funny combination. today i read artemis fowl two because ive had it for like four years and thought i should get around to it sometime. i sleep enough. i eat in the dining hall about once a day.
tomorrow shannon and i are going to the gas station across the street which is closer than the grocery store to buy milk and rent driving lessons. we get along pretty well even though she snores and that makes me a little irritable at night. but she doesnt know, shes asleep.
tonight i talked to annebel on the phone for an incredible two hours and thirty-three minutes. that might be the longest telephone conversation ive ever had. we are going to read wicked together so we feel like we are not so separated. this weekend we will read 63 pages. on sunday night we'll talk about it and decide how much to read next week.
next weekend i am going on the fall getaway with scf, which is a whole day and night and the next morning on kentucky lake just doing fun things. swimming, tubing, sitting around, frisbee, cards, whatever. its only fifteen dollars, im sort of excited.
i think i have two friends. one is jennifer about whom i told you. she is so nice. everyone here is nice. today she had a bow in her ponytail at focus. she gave me a ride to minigolf last weekend and she was genuinely excited when i told her i had read the book of james. the other is kaitlin who is in my world cultures and copyediting classes. i think she likes grammar almost as much as i do. we laugh. i laugh a lot here. i realize this message is probably longer than you bargained for but i want to give you a good picture of how i am. and i am well. i am happy in class. i am happy to go to class. i have time to get my homework finished and still do things. theres free stuff to be had all the time, usually food.
i love you. call me sometime when you can and tell me everything. love, love, love. i miss you too.
sara.
i have the bbyd cast picture on my desk so i can look at you while im typing. is that weird? i dont know. but you know i secretly loved that show, so much. anyway as long as you dont turn into a psycho bitch or get distant ill be okay. dont be a stranger is what im saying. i miss you. you sound tired. you will be finished soon and have some good friends.
dorm-away-college is really wonderful. somehow i am surprised to find it has met all my expectations. you of course know how terrified i was in the days before i left, but the awkwardness, though still obviously present, is beginning to lose the fight. i am so happy here. and i read things like marthas livejournal and how shes so sad at college and i dont know how i got so lucky. most of my friends took their best choice of five or seven or ten schools and still they are not all happy? i applied to memphis and here and took evansville because they promised me money, not because i had thoroughly researched it. and yet here i am and it is so wonderful. i have said wonderful already but its true.
i have gotten pretty well involved with the student christian fellowship. they are nice. they sing. they smile and everyone is always cheerful and glad to see you. so i have gone to church both sundays, and i go to a thing called focus on fridays which is like singing and a lesson and some praying and more singing, and i really like it. and i joined a small group studying the book of james. i picked that one because the two leaders appeal to me. one is a girl named jennifer, who is the first person i met when i came here. she is a sophomore and i think we are friends. we laugh and theres not a lot of awkward pauses. the other is a girl named shelley from kentucky. shes little and has blonde curls and she talks like allyson zimmerman, who i know at lakeshore and who is also from kentucky.
i went to the first quidditch club meeting and i liked it but not as much as id hoped. they are just not classy about how they love harry potter. they love it because they love to wear silky robes and shout spells at each other and pretend to be wizards. i love to do those things too (except the silky robes because theyre unrealistic) but i also love to know the characters and soak up the story and learn from the themes. i love that any shortcomings are overcome by a wealth of wonder and that everything fits together. i know this sounds a little elitist but they just do not love harry potter as classily as i do. but ill give it a try.
in my classes almost everything is picturesque. in american lit, my teacher has this fluid voice like she has lived all of this literature, and she appreciates everything. the class puts our desks in a circle and a lot of people talk. in german, frau pleasant is young and wears green rectangle glasses and almost always hiking boots and a skirt or dress. today she had a blue dress with a blue jacket and chalk stains all over her. she seems the type to lose a pen in her hair, if you understand that characterization. she is so energetic and loves german and laughs and gestures hugely. world cultures is my least favorite class but i still like it. my professor refers to himself in the third person a lot and his quizzes are hard, but the material is still somewhat interesting. we're moving now from gilgamesh into genesis. my world history professor is scottish and has only been in america eight years. last class he gave us this extremely eloquently constructed explanation of the butterfly effect, showing the existence of israel to be a direct result of francis ferdinands driver turning left instead of right. i just eat that class up. copyediting is pretty much grammar for the first half so you know i am in my element. dr bone gives fantastic sentences as examples. there were several problems with the presidents speech. the sheepish dominatrix ruined my party.
that is most of my time spent active. i go and do something at least almost all days, but i have gotten some reading done and a lot of tetris. yesterday i read the book of james, brokeback mountain, and einsteins dreams, which i think is a pretty funny combination. today i read artemis fowl two because ive had it for like four years and thought i should get around to it sometime. i sleep enough. i eat in the dining hall about once a day.
tomorrow shannon and i are going to the gas station across the street which is closer than the grocery store to buy milk and rent driving lessons. we get along pretty well even though she snores and that makes me a little irritable at night. but she doesnt know, shes asleep.
tonight i talked to annebel on the phone for an incredible two hours and thirty-three minutes. that might be the longest telephone conversation ive ever had. we are going to read wicked together so we feel like we are not so separated. this weekend we will read 63 pages. on sunday night we'll talk about it and decide how much to read next week.
next weekend i am going on the fall getaway with scf, which is a whole day and night and the next morning on kentucky lake just doing fun things. swimming, tubing, sitting around, frisbee, cards, whatever. its only fifteen dollars, im sort of excited.
i think i have two friends. one is jennifer about whom i told you. she is so nice. everyone here is nice. today she had a bow in her ponytail at focus. she gave me a ride to minigolf last weekend and she was genuinely excited when i told her i had read the book of james. the other is kaitlin who is in my world cultures and copyediting classes. i think she likes grammar almost as much as i do. we laugh. i laugh a lot here. i realize this message is probably longer than you bargained for but i want to give you a good picture of how i am. and i am well. i am happy in class. i am happy to go to class. i have time to get my homework finished and still do things. theres free stuff to be had all the time, usually food.
i love you. call me sometime when you can and tell me everything. love, love, love. i miss you too.
sara.
29 August 2007
If you love me (and I know you do)
i have all this exciting new contact information. very fun. for example, if you want to email me, you can still use my old email address, but ill also respond at ss412@evansville.edu. and once i figure out how to open my mailbox, you can send me both letters and packages at 501 s. weinbach ave., rm109, evansville, in 47714. finally, although i will eventually call you back if you call my cell, its reception on campus is horrendous and in my room nonexistent, so you should try out my dorm phone at (812)488-5201. if i dont answer, leave a message, because i dont know how to check the missed calls. if after that you cant get ahold of me, well then i probably hate you.
college is fantastic. it is about to storm.
college is fantastic. it is about to storm.
25 August 2007
Holy Smokes
my schedule is a work of art.
MWF
10-1050: Lit 241, Major American Writers I
11-1150: German 111, Elementary German
12-1250: World Cultures 110H, Ancient World Reform Honors
TTh
8-915: History 112, World History Since 1500
115-230: Writing 204, Copy Editing
so basically i get to sleep till 930 MWF and im through before one. TTh i have to get up early but its for history with macleod, the greatest professor in the department. plus hes scottish. writing 204 wont be much fun but itll be easy and 205 was full so ill take it next semester. and look at that huge break between history and writing. this was pretty much my ideal schedule, i didnt have to change anything. basically, i am very pleased. so, so pleased.
my dorm is fantastic. spacious. goooood. things are going well.
MWF
10-1050: Lit 241, Major American Writers I
11-1150: German 111, Elementary German
12-1250: World Cultures 110H, Ancient World Reform Honors
TTh
8-915: History 112, World History Since 1500
115-230: Writing 204, Copy Editing
so basically i get to sleep till 930 MWF and im through before one. TTh i have to get up early but its for history with macleod, the greatest professor in the department. plus hes scottish. writing 204 wont be much fun but itll be easy and 205 was full so ill take it next semester. and look at that huge break between history and writing. this was pretty much my ideal schedule, i didnt have to change anything. basically, i am very pleased. so, so pleased.
my dorm is fantastic. spacious. goooood. things are going well.
22 August 2007
college
technically due to the hour i leave for college tomorrow. well guess what, i am afraid. so, so afraid, and i dont have the things i need to get over the fear. i dont have enough time to pack gradually or say goodbye gently, all my actions are vicious and quick like the summer was. i told annebel at its beginning that this was the growing up summer and it was. i spent so little time at home and i needed that separation to teach me that i could do it. more than school is keeping me from morgan and i am making desperate attempts to cling to the rest of my friends but they are dust in my hands and spreading out in the hot memphis wind all off to wherever it is they go. wherever it is i go. i am trying to pack but i cant take memphis with me and in the past days i have been more unstable than usual. i settled into the pretty rhythm of leaving and coming home over the summer but this is the big one and im off time again and my clapping cant find the beat. i want to touch everyone i know another time before i leave. i missed saying goodbye to martha and oh i regret it. how can i do all the things that must be done in so little time? i need human contact more often than usual, something to plant me into my roots and some way to bring the skin of home away with me. this whole damn thing would be highlighted in red if i were in ms douglas' class, and off to the side id scribble fig lang. so what? that woman wont be messing with my life anymore. now i am jolting my own. i had a little panic attack a day or two ago and i hoped i had gotten it out of my system but im still fidgety, teary, quick tempered, and desperate to hold. any things, jake, people, myself, pillows, books, my breath, still. i crave affection. god, please, someone be near me. stay close to me.
nights like these
i feel like giving up
nights like these
i dont seem to count for much
beer tastes like blood
my mouth is numb
i cant make the words i need to say
22 July 2007
14 July 2007
Assignment Book
11 July 2007
a few things, since its been a while
--i spent five weeks at governors school and it was so good. i cant even tell you. i have new friends, mary alice, elizabeth, rachael, meredith, ann tyler, sarah beth, alex, heidi, jordan, everyone. my religious studies teacher is out of his mind. i got As. i played kind of a lot of tetris. i love everyone.
--i went with kristen to see nathans band play at the new daisy. they were really good. tommy scudders band played too and their violinist blows my mind.
--i slammed my finger in hatties car door last night going to midnight harry potter. it throbbed like hell and it still hurts. but harry potter was amazing. i mean seriously. i thought the fourth was good but this was a miracle. luna and bellatrix were perfect. i want neville to kill her.
--my english 1010 online has four weeks to go. its coming along with really no problem. the mcs policy, however, has decided i need 1010 and 1020 to make up for senior english, so yesterday i started 1020. it is a real live class 530-730 MTWR. it is boring and i will not like it, but it is only a month long. i have to keep saying, next summer ill be free, next summer ill be free.
--i have given up several things for the month of july, or more accurately july7-august7. i am sort of tired of feeling gross all the time.
--today i went to the dentist and for the first time they mentioned the tooth thats been wrong since i can remember, and if we can afford it we will get it fixed. i know its an aesthetic issue but it has bothered me forever and i want my teeth right.
--i have until next friday to reread the fifth and sixth books. i was thinking of trying to do them all but with two classes theres just not time if i want to see anyone between now and then.
--everyone please come home soon. too many are out of town.
--i went with kristen to see nathans band play at the new daisy. they were really good. tommy scudders band played too and their violinist blows my mind.
--i slammed my finger in hatties car door last night going to midnight harry potter. it throbbed like hell and it still hurts. but harry potter was amazing. i mean seriously. i thought the fourth was good but this was a miracle. luna and bellatrix were perfect. i want neville to kill her.
--my english 1010 online has four weeks to go. its coming along with really no problem. the mcs policy, however, has decided i need 1010 and 1020 to make up for senior english, so yesterday i started 1020. it is a real live class 530-730 MTWR. it is boring and i will not like it, but it is only a month long. i have to keep saying, next summer ill be free, next summer ill be free.
--i have given up several things for the month of july, or more accurately july7-august7. i am sort of tired of feeling gross all the time.
--today i went to the dentist and for the first time they mentioned the tooth thats been wrong since i can remember, and if we can afford it we will get it fixed. i know its an aesthetic issue but it has bothered me forever and i want my teeth right.
--i have until next friday to reread the fifth and sixth books. i was thinking of trying to do them all but with two classes theres just not time if i want to see anyone between now and then.
--everyone please come home soon. too many are out of town.
06 July 2007
02 June 2007
write please
Sara Stephens
Governor's School for the Humanities
G218R Browning Hall
The University of Tennessee at Martin
Martin, TN 38238
(this is really the right address now. it was wrong before but not anymore.)
Governor's School for the Humanities
G218R Browning Hall
The University of Tennessee at Martin
Martin, TN 38238
(this is really the right address now. it was wrong before but not anymore.)
01 June 2007
hows it going? hows it gonna go?
[the following is a jumble.]
im really glad this isnt spring break because i would feel jipped. this week has jetblasted on by. i dont even know what all ive done. i just got back from about 25 hours at lauren huddlestons house. we watched at least six movies i think. im listening to a lot of damien rice and modest mouse, an unlikely combination but that is how my summer is going, hot and fast and sweet and electified! i bought a dress and i need to cash my government money so i can get more more more before sunday. so little time! yesterday i got a voicemail from troy asking me to counsel at the shore next week. today i have to call and tell him i cant because i have to go to governors school. i know i will love it there but im afraid i will miss out on counseling because of it. there are still three more chances but what if thats not enough? who knows. morgan left and we have six and a half weeks apart, our longest separation since we were reunited in sixth grade.
the summer will be exactly what it needs to be. everything everywhere all the time all at once, and thats what i want. im not worrying, just thinking. planning, looking forward, looking up and around. i need to start packing, its a long trip.
im really glad this isnt spring break because i would feel jipped. this week has jetblasted on by. i dont even know what all ive done. i just got back from about 25 hours at lauren huddlestons house. we watched at least six movies i think. im listening to a lot of damien rice and modest mouse, an unlikely combination but that is how my summer is going, hot and fast and sweet and electified! i bought a dress and i need to cash my government money so i can get more more more before sunday. so little time! yesterday i got a voicemail from troy asking me to counsel at the shore next week. today i have to call and tell him i cant because i have to go to governors school. i know i will love it there but im afraid i will miss out on counseling because of it. there are still three more chances but what if thats not enough? who knows. morgan left and we have six and a half weeks apart, our longest separation since we were reunited in sixth grade.
the summer will be exactly what it needs to be. everything everywhere all the time all at once, and thats what i want. im not worrying, just thinking. planning, looking forward, looking up and around. i need to start packing, its a long trip.
26 May 2007
21 May 2007
for posterity
saturday was prom. no one really knew exactly what we were doing all afternoon until morgan made some executive decisions and everything worked out. at five-ish andy and annebel and cameron came over for look-pretty-for-mommy pictures, then we went and picked up michael and then morgan, whose dress was a huge puffy white wedding dress that was amazing. we all met eileen and will, martha and ryan, and bekka and newman at pete n sams in a party of 12 and ate and then everyone but eileen and will got to prom earlier than we should have probably, at about 840 and it started at 8. annebel looked so beautiful. prom was as great as i hoped even though there was no punch. we had a booty circle and danced on the chairs and stayed mainly on the edges of the too-small dance floor. other than my party i saw mainly kristen, hattie and preston, nathan and jesse, and eric some. the highlight, however, came only shortly before the end of prom, when i danced with chi zhang to knuck if you buck. oh what a time! we were the last people to leave and the lady cleaning up said "come on, partys over."
we again didnt know what we were going to do but we decided to go to ryans dads in harbor town. i took annebel and cameron home and met the rest at marthas and off we went over the high bridge and around the corner. we stayed up late and ryan made eggs and we all mostly fell asleep during the life aquatic, about 330.
at 8 ryan was up already because i guess he hates us all, and we got up except for bekka and took a morning walk most of the way to the other end of harbor town and back and i didnt wear shoes. when we got back we went by the pool and stuck our feet in. ryan and martha and michael swam for real but it was too cold for me. bekka joined us and newman left and we went to the arcade for breakfast/lunch. eileen and will joined us. after eating we crossed the street and tried on silly things at american apparel. then we dispersed, and that was prom.
we again didnt know what we were going to do but we decided to go to ryans dads in harbor town. i took annebel and cameron home and met the rest at marthas and off we went over the high bridge and around the corner. we stayed up late and ryan made eggs and we all mostly fell asleep during the life aquatic, about 330.
at 8 ryan was up already because i guess he hates us all, and we got up except for bekka and took a morning walk most of the way to the other end of harbor town and back and i didnt wear shoes. when we got back we went by the pool and stuck our feet in. ryan and martha and michael swam for real but it was too cold for me. bekka joined us and newman left and we went to the arcade for breakfast/lunch. eileen and will joined us. after eating we crossed the street and tried on silly things at american apparel. then we dispersed, and that was prom.
15 May 2007
"i regret to announce, this is the end."
today was the last day for the seniors who dont have to take exams. so i wonder who did i see today i will never see again? is this ridiculous? or who will i see at prom and then never again? who will i see next friday and then never again? there are 2400 people at my school and four or five hundred of them are running off to disappear just like me. who will be forgotten in a year or ten? who will forget me?
i want my friends to remember me but im afraid they wont. no matter how close i am to them now will i look behind me and see we were friends for only a year? will they? of the seven of us, five have been friends since middle school, and two we just recently picked up but i love them. i dont want to be a footnote in marthas and ryans memories in a decade. the former i knew only in passing before this year, the latter spoke to me only once before this year, but we have spent the whole year in plays together. both of them i know every day.
will we keep in touch, is it true? will you all be my friends from high school i see sometimes at holidays? will i send you cards at christmas or will we be together? the concept of college is beautiful and necessary but once jonathan larson said, "what binds a fabric together, when the raging shifting winds of change keep ripping away?" and there you have it. right now we are all in love with each other or at least i am in love with all of you. i am in love with at least the six rest of you and at least four or five more and when we go away where will we go? how many of us will settle in little memphis and how many need to get out and stay out? i dont want to recognize the possibility that we will not all always be exactly like we are, but we wont be.
please, my friends, my darlings, keep loving me when i am gone. please if you love me now let there be a little place for me always. i cannot breathe without you and i need to know you remember me. i know that the greatest impact i will make on my high school will be leaving it. but what impact have i made on my friends? will i be mentioned by name in your memoirs? will you be in mine? when josh sigler is graduating, when he is writing his high school days at the end of them, will i be in the letter? i dont know.
i want to make a list: remember this from high school. i want to make a list but i dont want to have to make a list. i just want to remember. but i am so afraid i wont, so here is the list.
remember this from high school:
my friends, my very best friends, the ones i will always love, i am in love with them all and they are not in order: morgan, eileen, bekka, ryan, newman, martha, hattie, kristen, mercer, annebel. my friends, the ones who got me by: lilla, josh, chris, lena, sean, lane, huddleston. the friends i did not have: amelia and mouse, who left me too early and against their will. how i spent my time: novus, the ergolytes, moved, trezevant manor my first job, kelly green, bang bang youre dead. the teachers i loved: ms kitts, mr munter, ms lafon, herr sturgis, mr cartwright, mr stephenson. the teachers i hated: mr smith, ms douglas, ms haughton, mr whitehead, ms sugarmon. the places i went: lakeshore, florida, the rope swing, the river, mpc, harbor town, otherlands. the horrible things: exams, dialectical journals, julius caesar, eileens 16th birthday party, losing at state, losing amelia. everything else. dance parties, wrestling, the summer of amelia, choir, michael ingersoll, the camry, the volvo, sadness mixes, ROME and ROAM, early mornings, birthdays, the warm air and the grass, matt birdsong, the spaniards, late nights. watching americas next top model or having pillow fights at bbyd rehearsal instead of rehearsing. learning math from ryan before kelly green rehearsal. everything about who is kelly green. sunburn, latin convention, thespian conference, the ani difranco concert. prom. popcorn and ovaltine. everyone i know.
this is it. the end. the finish. the destination. the next step toward independence, the next step toward being alone. my friends, please, if you love me now, remember me later. please, please, please remember me.
i want my friends to remember me but im afraid they wont. no matter how close i am to them now will i look behind me and see we were friends for only a year? will they? of the seven of us, five have been friends since middle school, and two we just recently picked up but i love them. i dont want to be a footnote in marthas and ryans memories in a decade. the former i knew only in passing before this year, the latter spoke to me only once before this year, but we have spent the whole year in plays together. both of them i know every day.
will we keep in touch, is it true? will you all be my friends from high school i see sometimes at holidays? will i send you cards at christmas or will we be together? the concept of college is beautiful and necessary but once jonathan larson said, "what binds a fabric together, when the raging shifting winds of change keep ripping away?" and there you have it. right now we are all in love with each other or at least i am in love with all of you. i am in love with at least the six rest of you and at least four or five more and when we go away where will we go? how many of us will settle in little memphis and how many need to get out and stay out? i dont want to recognize the possibility that we will not all always be exactly like we are, but we wont be.
please, my friends, my darlings, keep loving me when i am gone. please if you love me now let there be a little place for me always. i cannot breathe without you and i need to know you remember me. i know that the greatest impact i will make on my high school will be leaving it. but what impact have i made on my friends? will i be mentioned by name in your memoirs? will you be in mine? when josh sigler is graduating, when he is writing his high school days at the end of them, will i be in the letter? i dont know.
i want to make a list: remember this from high school. i want to make a list but i dont want to have to make a list. i just want to remember. but i am so afraid i wont, so here is the list.
remember this from high school:
my friends, my very best friends, the ones i will always love, i am in love with them all and they are not in order: morgan, eileen, bekka, ryan, newman, martha, hattie, kristen, mercer, annebel. my friends, the ones who got me by: lilla, josh, chris, lena, sean, lane, huddleston. the friends i did not have: amelia and mouse, who left me too early and against their will. how i spent my time: novus, the ergolytes, moved, trezevant manor my first job, kelly green, bang bang youre dead. the teachers i loved: ms kitts, mr munter, ms lafon, herr sturgis, mr cartwright, mr stephenson. the teachers i hated: mr smith, ms douglas, ms haughton, mr whitehead, ms sugarmon. the places i went: lakeshore, florida, the rope swing, the river, mpc, harbor town, otherlands. the horrible things: exams, dialectical journals, julius caesar, eileens 16th birthday party, losing at state, losing amelia. everything else. dance parties, wrestling, the summer of amelia, choir, michael ingersoll, the camry, the volvo, sadness mixes, ROME and ROAM, early mornings, birthdays, the warm air and the grass, matt birdsong, the spaniards, late nights. watching americas next top model or having pillow fights at bbyd rehearsal instead of rehearsing. learning math from ryan before kelly green rehearsal. everything about who is kelly green. sunburn, latin convention, thespian conference, the ani difranco concert. prom. popcorn and ovaltine. everyone i know.
this is it. the end. the finish. the destination. the next step toward independence, the next step toward being alone. my friends, please, if you love me now, remember me later. please, please, please remember me.
13 May 2007
"unprecedented president"
is what i named my teddy roosevelt essay on the APUS exam, which was about 30% information and 70% "TR IS SO GREAT" because come on, he so is.
on friday i took the biggest test ever and when it was over whizzed on out of that building like a cat on ice, whatever that means. i took morgan and we whizzed on home for what else but popcorn and lost. i took her home to get a haircut but wouldnt you know it picked her up again that night and we went with brett to cks. i had a waffle i probably didnt need but man it was good. mfox and suzi were there and when we left we had to stop by my house to get an insurance card but ended up staying and watching harry potter and blood drips on newsies square. i took brett home and morgan and i went to sleep in my room.
she woke up before me but i got up too and we watched more lost and i took her home and took a walk and had annebel over for probably the second-to-last precal attack ever. we got very very frustrated and no one was in the house and annebel said "we have to get out of here" so we got in the car and drove and drove. we went to the rhodes part of midtown and drove past some friends houses. ryan was on his porch and i waved. we went to harbor town which is over a steep bridge and i never even knew it was there. there is a park by the river but hardly anyone was there, and all the houses are big and bright and lovely. we found a frisbee but we have no skill with it. when we left we had to skip otherlands to get home for dinner and more math. i guess we got some done. i took her home at ten and went to sleep early because i was tired.
this morning i woke up at eight hurting all over and went into the bathroom and stayed there. then i had breakfast and was still hurting all over so i took some pills and went to get gas and mail some letters and get my mother presents. i got her the golden compass and a rufus wainwright cd and drew got her chocolate and coffee. after lunch mom and i went prom dress shopping. we went to oak court and searched dillards, macys, charlotte russe, banana republic, and a store i dont know, and we found nothing, so we went to flashback, garbos (which was closed), and the place that used to be moondance, and found nothing, so we went out to wolfchase and went to its macys and dillards and found nothing, and went to jc penneys and found a lot. so i got a dress, and i like it, but it needs to be hemmed.
now i am home and i had a lot of cereal and i yelled at annebel on the phone because i guess now that calculus is my only source of stress it sort of explodes when i get into it.
ten days left ever.
on friday i took the biggest test ever and when it was over whizzed on out of that building like a cat on ice, whatever that means. i took morgan and we whizzed on home for what else but popcorn and lost. i took her home to get a haircut but wouldnt you know it picked her up again that night and we went with brett to cks. i had a waffle i probably didnt need but man it was good. mfox and suzi were there and when we left we had to stop by my house to get an insurance card but ended up staying and watching harry potter and blood drips on newsies square. i took brett home and morgan and i went to sleep in my room.
she woke up before me but i got up too and we watched more lost and i took her home and took a walk and had annebel over for probably the second-to-last precal attack ever. we got very very frustrated and no one was in the house and annebel said "we have to get out of here" so we got in the car and drove and drove. we went to the rhodes part of midtown and drove past some friends houses. ryan was on his porch and i waved. we went to harbor town which is over a steep bridge and i never even knew it was there. there is a park by the river but hardly anyone was there, and all the houses are big and bright and lovely. we found a frisbee but we have no skill with it. when we left we had to skip otherlands to get home for dinner and more math. i guess we got some done. i took her home at ten and went to sleep early because i was tired.
this morning i woke up at eight hurting all over and went into the bathroom and stayed there. then i had breakfast and was still hurting all over so i took some pills and went to get gas and mail some letters and get my mother presents. i got her the golden compass and a rufus wainwright cd and drew got her chocolate and coffee. after lunch mom and i went prom dress shopping. we went to oak court and searched dillards, macys, charlotte russe, banana republic, and a store i dont know, and we found nothing, so we went to flashback, garbos (which was closed), and the place that used to be moondance, and found nothing, so we went out to wolfchase and went to its macys and dillards and found nothing, and went to jc penneys and found a lot. so i got a dress, and i like it, but it needs to be hemmed.
now i am home and i had a lot of cereal and i yelled at annebel on the phone because i guess now that calculus is my only source of stress it sort of explodes when i get into it.
ten days left ever.
11 May 2007
buble
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling--
good!
Butterflies all having fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world, for me
Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah freedom is mine, and I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling--
good!
07 May 2007
influential person essay, for ms wexler
As humans we are sometimes told that we are products of our surroundings, infinitely influenced by the environments in which we go about our little lives. Well, my surroundings are and have always been Morgan, so it must be that I am a product of her. When we met we were two years old, and when we part we will be two hundred. Living always within the reach of her sweet arm, I have no choice—and want nothing more—than to be shaped by her presence.
I take pride in, and admit shamelessly, my decidedly upstanding morals. Whatever they tell their parents or imply to their teachers, I know without doubt that most high school students at all levels are involved in drugs or alcohol or both; I am not one of them. I have grown up watching Morgan, who knows exactly the difference between having a glass of wine at dinner and not remembering what you did last weekend, and I have followed her. In the first four months of her life, before I was born, she must have learned all the wisdom on the earth and grown in mental leaps that take others decades to navigate. She and I don’t need any chemicals in us to have a good time; we have each other and plenty of hours of anything at all.
Because Morgan will hold my hands, I have survived high school. In the roughest weeks of teeth grinding and dark circles, she is awake too, and in the shadows of early morning, every step she can still take, I can still take. Every hour she can muddle through, I can muddle through. We are so bound that no boy scout could unlock our knots, just as no chiseled diamond could chip us away. We are earth and water. If she dies, I die.
Morgan exceeds me in all things except my love for her. I feel like a poet except when I read her perfect prose. I feel like an actor except when I watch her against the black background of a stage. She has led me into both of these passions, and in both she has risen above, but still I hang on; she will not let me fall, I am small but not left behind, I am complete and only myself or any self at all in the grasp of her tiny hand.
I take pride in, and admit shamelessly, my decidedly upstanding morals. Whatever they tell their parents or imply to their teachers, I know without doubt that most high school students at all levels are involved in drugs or alcohol or both; I am not one of them. I have grown up watching Morgan, who knows exactly the difference between having a glass of wine at dinner and not remembering what you did last weekend, and I have followed her. In the first four months of her life, before I was born, she must have learned all the wisdom on the earth and grown in mental leaps that take others decades to navigate. She and I don’t need any chemicals in us to have a good time; we have each other and plenty of hours of anything at all.
Because Morgan will hold my hands, I have survived high school. In the roughest weeks of teeth grinding and dark circles, she is awake too, and in the shadows of early morning, every step she can still take, I can still take. Every hour she can muddle through, I can muddle through. We are so bound that no boy scout could unlock our knots, just as no chiseled diamond could chip us away. We are earth and water. If she dies, I die.
Morgan exceeds me in all things except my love for her. I feel like a poet except when I read her perfect prose. I feel like an actor except when I watch her against the black background of a stage. She has led me into both of these passions, and in both she has risen above, but still I hang on; she will not let me fall, I am small but not left behind, I am complete and only myself or any self at all in the grasp of her tiny hand.
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