"bang bang i wish you were all dead"

is probably what the judges put on our comment sheets at state. we got fifth place. out of five. lauren said "we're not here to win, we're here to do a good job." but since we got last i guess we didnt do that either.

but its done.
over.
forever.

and i am not relieved.

dance party was last night which was nice for mollifying the melancholy. we boogied pretty hard and had a little fight and in the morning lounged on blankets in the yard and fought with sticks and rolled around on scooters and skateboards.

i was so tired of bbyd but now its over i really dont know what to do with myself. i mean, its been five months. i mean, i am really, really sad.

wish i had a boy to kiss me better and wrap me all up in limbs. wanna hold my breath in his neck and close my eyes and fall down and feel safe.

personal statement one, for ms wexler

When I am tired and busy for weeks and weeks I dream over and over about my teeth falling out. The internet says that that indicates a sense of powerlessness, but I know it indicates a certain type of fear, the creeping kind that always gets at me when there are not enough hours in the day and I feel like I’m not getting anything accomplished. I always wake up shaking with my hands clawing at my mouth.

I hate when I try to say something beautiful and it just comes out as facts. I wish everything I said fell out like water on rocks and was beautiful but usually it isn’t.

After grad school I want to build wells in Africa for a year, then spend some time teaching kids in Namibia, then marry a man like Anatole and move back to America to teach college in Arizona or New Mexico until I’m old and deaf. If I’m successful, my campaigns for saving Africans and promoting proper grammar will outlive me.

In the summer of 2005, I got up at six in the morning to protest “Love in Action”—a program that tries to convert (mostly unwilling) gay teenagers to heterosexuality—because I know that God loves everyone.

My middle school principal said no when I tried to skip the eighth grade, but now that I am skipping the twelfth grade he is saying yes. If he had said no again I would have done it anyway because I hate high school and I don’t need it anymore. College is what I need now and I know that beyond any doubt. My friends pout and ask me why I’m leaving them, and I say, “because I have to.”

When I get letters from universities telling me about how exciting it must be for me to be beginning to think about college, I laugh. I have been thinking about college since the fourth grade and actively searching since seventh.

No one will ever love me because I have a huge head. That’s probably not true.

I can’t strike a match.

My fingernails are soft. I know the sign language for “secretary.” I taught myself how to make an omelette. Before I die, I want to play Little Red Riding Hood in Into the Woods. I can’t dance but I do anyway. I love yellow roses.

I’m trying to define myself for you, College, because I want you to know what I’m here for. I’m here to study creative writing because the only thing that I know I will always love is words. I’m here to study history so I don’t repeat the mistakes of my ancestors. I’m here to learn every language I can because the only way I can be happy is if I go everywhere.

I am here because every time a teacher tells me I’m being prepared for the real world, I know that either I’m already prepared, or I’m already there.

gifts

in no particular order...

college gave me 2 more k.
mr brown gave me his approval.
eileens mom gave me a pretty stellar recommendation.
amelia gave me hope for humanity (ie, to see her this summer)
ms wexler gave me a useless project.
my mom gave me a hint that could mean she is buying me a car.

letters

-i sent beth ryan an email letter asking her to write me a recommendation to counsel.
-i sent eileens mom an email letter telling her all the great things about myself so she'll write me a good recommendation to counsel.
-i got a big hefty letter from UE asking me to sign up for a meal plan and a dorm and summer orientation and to get a physical.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my housing application and meal plan form in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i sealed the letter to UE with my summer orientation registration in it and will mail it tomorrow.
-i found the letter i tried to send lakeshore with my counselor application in it muddy on the ground in my yard because the storm knocked it off the mailbox before the postman came.
-i completed the counselor application letter again and glued in my pastors muddy signature with an explanation and took it to the post office today.

on a different note, i need to call danielle, lora jean gowan, steve may, and ray chandler, and convince them that i am morally sound and well-rounded and responsible enough to counsel their camps. i also need to do three precal homeworks and correct my test, tell mr stephe whether truman was a war criminal, and take a shower.

six more weeks and then some responsibilities ill enjoy.
ideal summer schedule (* = confirmed):
may27-june2: counsel treehouse 1
june3-july6: governors school*
july8-july14: counsel jr high 2
july15-july21: counsel jr high music/drama
july22-july28: sr high treehouse*
july29-august4: counsel elementary 4
august15-august21: florida*
august23: COLLEGE*

i just got sent the letter i wrote myself at lakeshore last summer. it couldnt have come at a better time.

feet

today i got an envelope from evansville. is was very big. inside was a purple folder. inside that were several letters and documents, the first of which started with "congratulations!" and the second of which also started with "congratulations" but then went on to eventually say "academic scholarship worth $12,000.00 per year."

i have submitted my nonrefundable admission deposit, securing my place in the university of evansville freshman class.

this is for real.
this is confirmed.
this is big.

inches

evansville has received my application.

one tiny step closer.
every inch counts.

district/birthday/etc

speedweekend because i need to sleep

friday:
bbyd went to district
cast minus nathan and jenee plus annebel went to mpc
then the rope swing in the dark
then the spanish party
kristen and annebel came over to watch diego movies
sleep.

saturday:
they woke me up too early
they left
i cleaned my room
we won district
im in the top ten actors at district and so is most of the cast
ryan is number one (surprise)
i cleaned my room more
party city closes at 6 on saturdays
had my party and it was great
hattie martha newman and ryan stayed till two
morgan bekka and kristy spent the night
went to sleep.

sunday:
they woke me up too early
kristy and bekka left
morgan and i watched lost
she left
i tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to 300 with hattie
tried to do my dbq (failed)
went to the last ROME party
tried to do my dbq (failed)

going to bed now ill do it in the morning.

"Everything's Going So Well!"

today my mother had a meeting scheduled with mr brown, but no one told him about it, so when she got there he was gone. so instead, ms sowell came and took my mom to the 11th grade office and she met with sowell and ms kirkwood. now ms kirkwood i think is a pretty friendly lady. at any rate she is fond of me and hugged me when i got my psat score. not only that, but she hugged my mother at the end of their meeting and from that you can see where this is going.

my mother talked to them about what i am going to do and guess who graduated when she was sixteen? thats right, ms kirkwood. she said "when i was in school this wasnt an issue at all! i dont know why anyone as gifted as her would want to spend another year in high school." she gave my mother the number of the woman at the board to determine if my gov school english would be able to count, but ms kirkwood said probably that wouldnt be a problem.

it is fairly likely that ms sowell will be able to sign off all this stuff for me and that we wont have to talk to mr brown at all, thank god.

it is fairly likely that the application to the university of evansville which i will give to ms kirkwood tomorrow for completion will end up in the hands of the dean of admissions who will proceed to admit me there for the 2007-2008 school year and by the 2008-2009 school year at the latest offer me full tuition for national merit. thank you. thank you.

thank you. thank you, thank you thankyouthankyou.

finally everything is coming together. i have my ducks in a row. o please, please let this happen.

spring break 07

no one probably cares what i did over spring break but i am going to tell you anyway and if you choose to read it then good for you.

on friday i went to lunch with bekka, newman, morgan, and neimeyer. it was a little bit of a mess but eventually we all got to los compadres and had a good time. i had to go because i was unexpectedly going out of town.

friday afternoon i left with lauren reed and ms nancy for pangburn, arkansas, population 654, to relax for a few days. we played scrabble and spades and team scrabble and uno and ate ice cream and went fishing and sat in the sun. the fishing was terrifying; i always thought lauren was torturing the fish because she wouldnt hurry enough getting the hooks out of their mouths. if i had to fish for survival i dont know if i could do it. but in general it was nice and very refreshing to not have anything i really had to do for a few days. i came home on monday.

on tuesday, i think, i drove around a lot with kristen and annebel and then they came home with me and eventually lauren huddleston came over and i made omelettes (because that morning i asked morgan what was in an omelette and she said "milk, i think" and so i just figured it out.) we sort of made crafts and talked about the potluck the next day and were silly and good. at some point they went home.

wednesday was my birthday. i woke up and went to morgans and she gave me smore pies and then went to the scribbler meeting. i snuck into her house for a nap and when she got back we went to mpc and then charlotte russe and then back to her house where we watched part of the two towers and made two types of chicken for the primavera potluck and headed to the neimeyer house. i got a journal from eileen and flowers from martha and ryan and a lot of warm faces and good food. we all decided to be models and took lots and lots of pictures. when it was over morgan spent the night.

in the morning we watched lost and i took her home. when my mother got off work she took me out for presents: troy, the prestige, another dress, green converses with starry starry laces.

friday i got up and packed and my mother took me and annebel to evansville indiana and the university of evansville. i cannot say how good it was. i went back on bread and chocolate for 24 hours because i am allowed to do that three times during lent. the drive was complicated but not too long (five hours) and when we got there we snuck around for a while on campus without announcing ourselves. we got in through the back of the theatre and were on the stage when the stage manager came in and did not ask us to leave. instead she invited us to come watch rehearsal for the comedy of errors, so we went to eat and then came back for shakespeare. they were really, really good. molly holmes, assistant stage manager, introduced herself to us and talked to us about the school and harlaxton and the theatre and everything for a good while and gave me her email address for questions, and another girl gave us chocolate altoids. when we left we went and watched 300 on the imax and then came back to the hotel to sleep.

the next morning was the open house, which we expected to be very contrived and not very real but it was only a little contrived. we met the german professor, the chair of the english dept, the chair of the history dept, the theatre teacher, the dean of admissions, and everyone was just nice. the campus is reasonably small but not tiny and the city is like a smaller, cleaner, more german memphis, even with a river on the west end.

my mother had a meeting with admissions people and they said they are much more generous with scholarships for freshman than transfer students.
the dean of admissions said i should not have a problem getting in for 2007.
the scholarship booklet said national merit finalists get full tuition and semifinalists get 75% tuition.

i started my application on the drive home.

mr brown you will not stop me from getting out of white station and you will not stop me from getting my national merit. that is the key.

kristen and i are going to thirty-five states and no one else can come. sorry.

10,225 miles.
166.1 hours of driving.

(there are 168 hours in a week.)

important things that need to happen

[X] get accepted to the u of m evansville
[X] send the u of m evansville my stuff
[X] get money from the u of m evansville ($12k!)
[X] send gov school my stuff
[X] have a meeting with mr brown
[X] find out what i have to do this summer
[X] get recommendations to counsel
[X] not eat bread or chocolate (complete! success!)
[X] sign up for senior high wilderness
[X] sign up for writers retreat

ROAM Party

on friday it was eileens birthday. at 215 school ended and the ROAM party technically began. there was supposed to be no driving at all. that didnt happen. but there was a long period of not driving.

eileen, morgan, ryan, martha, newman, bekka, will gratz, wills roommate jordan, and i stood outside school for a while sort of trying to plan but came up with nothing. so eileen and will and jordan started walking down poplar, newman went to fullfill some obligation, martha and ryan dispersed, and bekka and morgan and i went to my house. i got some clothes and better walking shoes on and switched to a purse with a shoulder strap. then we went to morgans and she got ready, then to bekkas and she got ready. we called eileen who then informed us that, no, she was not going to come to the scribbler coffee house, but she and her entourage would meet us there when it was over. we thought about taking my car home and walking to school from there, but there wasnt quite enough time.

we headed toward school and when we were passing the black gate we decided to get some backyard burger, even though we werent exactly sure where it was. we found it though, and then went to school for scribbler. when i got up to the corner theatre i remembered i was supposed to give annebel a ride (i am so sorry annebel) so i rushed out and got her and came back. plenty of people were there, which was good. eileen and company did show up but spent the whole time in the art room. when it was over i saw annebel off and morgan, ryan, martha, and i hid our heads in our coats and did nothing at all in the east parking lot. nope, nothing at all. nothing.

i took morgan and ryan took martha to leave our cars at eudora where eileen, will, jordan, and bekka were, and we abandoned wheeled forms of transportation for a while. we set out at about 8 or 830 down poplar. we went to high point coffee and ryan was inside and bekka was outside and they had a battle through their reflections. then we walked to the oak court but on the way stopped at some particularly firm bushes. at oak court newman met us and everyone fought with these big plastic yellow covers they put over the concrete poles that show you where the driveways are. we tried to do some of the workshop exercises from good time speech but it didnt work out so well. from the mall we crossed to the botanic gardens and wandered around in a field for a while and made a few puns and started walking down southern, then in a ditch at overton(?) park, then down into that neighborhood by there toward andy harpers house. on the way we encountered a funny bridge in the making or the breaking, and we went into elokins house for a little while talking very quietly because there was a sleeping baby. harper lives about five houses down from there and we met him at his porch and asked if he could come with us but he couldnt, which was expected. we all left him and his friend and i think decided to take the bus back to morgans. we stopped at a mcdonalds for a while whereupon we decided it was really not that far to perkins, and therefore we should go. so we walked and walked up highland to perkins, but bekka and newman kept going and went all the way back to eudora to get his car. when they came back he drove me, ryan, eileen, and will to eudora to get our cars and then we all drove back to perkins to pick up the rest of everybody. eileen and company went together but the rest of us shook it up. martha came with me, bekka with ryan, morgan with newman, and we all went to morgans house at about 130 in the morning.

after a little while there, eileen and company went to sleep, and the rest of us "made skin so normal" and very slowly got very tired, conked out on the floor at about 530 or 6AM even though there were plenty of beds, which we moved into after a little while. we all got up at maybe 10, and martha devised a very complex plan to not go to the scribbler meeting, so she and ryan went to leave a key out for daniel williford and then met me, morgan, bekka, and newman at gibsons. (eileen, will, and jordan went to buns on the run.) i couldnt have any donuts because donuts are bread, so we drove all to marthas house and ryan made lots of eggs. we watched this very absurd documentary about a man who taught shakespeare to fifth grade mostly-asians, and im pretty sure he was the devil himself. "does anyone in your family have a problem with alcohol? what about a drug problem? okay, thats okay, its okay to have problems, we all have problems, i have problems. SOLVE THEM."

martha (and ryan too?) had to do english so after we played with her dogs we left back to morgans. newman had to go fullfill an obligation but bekka and morgan and i lounged around and ate popcorn and pecans and various things, and then we watched once more with feeling, and then the beginning of the last unicorn. mercer called and reminded me of the english project id been putting off all weekend and we decided we could get started without tabatha.

at about 630 i took bekka home who was feeling a little sick, and i went to mercers. we got started on english and ate moroccan chicken, which was pretty delicious, did a little more english and i got a little hysterical with the lack of sleep. we ate ice cream and did a little more english and went to bed far later than i preferred.

too early in the morning we had eggs and ice cream for breakfast, watched the beginning of the producers, and worked pretty steadily on english for a few hours. we basically finished other than typing it up. we did the whole thing without tabatha and i dont think anyone has a problem with that. i came home at maybe 2oclock and watched some of air force one with my brother and then retired to my chambers and here i am. i hope maybe i can hit up youth group tonight. we'll see.

The One-Act That Wouldn't Die

ladies and gentlemen,

bang bang youre dead is going to district in three weeks. thats right! its not over.

big and little

-my mother has a new big money job
-bang bang youre dead went so well (and might go to district? what?)
-i got a 31 on my ACT
-the u of m and the state of tennessee now have no choice but to give me all kinds of money
-its pushing nearer and nearer to my birthday
-its pushing nearer and nearer to writers retreat

the big things in my life are going so well. and some little things too, like discovering charlotte russe dresses for less than my life savings, and having herr strugis say i was a trooper. some of the little things are not so good, like my history test and my english project.

i wish i would get my acceptance from the u of m so i could be sure. im also kind of looking forward to the "heres 7500 dollars" letter. now i can finally get a meeting with herr brune to make him sign a form that says i can go to college. you are not stopping me this time mr brown.

need to study whyyyyyy?

weathers warming up
less than a month till spring

helpless doorknobs

was really great. mighty good show, all. really. and the night of improv contained various priceless moments as well, eg, "coach morgan no!" i took a few pictures and kind of a lot of video on annebels camera so hopefully i can get some access to those soon.

YOU GUYS
I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND
BANG BANG YOURE DEAD
IS TOMORROW
WE WILL BE PERFORMING IT
IN TWENTY ONE HOURS
AND THAT IS NOT A LONG TIME

okay. freakout over.
kind of.

affirmation

• my friends are growing up.
• it is okay that my friends are growing up.
• i am growing up.
• it is okay that i am growing up.
• school is hard.
• but it will end soon.
• its all nice on ice all right.

(in other news, i have not heard from governors school since they sent me my acceptance. when should they be mailing me about anything?)

[EDIT wednesday morning: i got a big letter from them yesterday with class preference etc etc. good good.]

looking up

valentines day is dumb.

but my english project is done and i get to go have chocolate with annebel tonight. i switched to the new blogger and now i have a picture of the most beautiful oh oh oh.

my mother just got a new job

that-will-pay-probably-about-$13k-more-a-year-than-she-gets-now.

jaqueline was being such a big girl with her cup of tea looking out of the window

today was bad, o so bad. i woke up tireder (?) than usual and did my best to stay home but my mother said i had been out late the night before so i had no reason to stay home, which was true. the precal test was a disaster. the whole class cheated off each other but no one knew how to do it so it didnt help. in english we worked on writing our own APMC questions, which consisted mostly of amanda hamilton and i pulling out our hair and making frustrated noises. in latin i came the closest i have yet come to falling asleep in class. in APUS we had a pop-DBQ. jesus, i thought pop-essays were bad but this was a mess. economics was the most boring its been yet. i came home and sat at the television till five thirty and soon i have to do all those things i have to do.

but still, the weekend was good. i got up early saturday and took the ACT and had lunch with spencer, then for a while sat around, but i talked to bekka and we decided to rent angels in america. we have been trying to watch it for weeks. i told her we should drop by lenas party for a little bit and we did, but it was more fun than i expected. eileen newman martha and ryan were there and also eric and we ended up staying till about quarter to midnight, so we couldnt go to black lodge. thwarted again!

bekka spent the night (with no complaint from her parents!) and in the morning we had breakfast and she left and annebel came to use my computer. i found all my saddest clothes and took the dirt from my yard and put it all over me and darkened my eyes and wrapped my poorest looking baby doll up in a pillowcase and when annebel left i went to ryans house for the rome party with no shoes on. guest list: martha ryan newman bekka l-hudd k-ho hairston and michael. hobbit hobbit. hairston was rich and kristen was her slave. bekka and newman were whores. ryan was an animal tamer. i was poor and dirty. we watched two episodes of rome and kristen hairston and lauren left pretty soon. there was a lot of very good food. michael went home. martha gave us valentines candy (thank you). we went upstairs to the second living room and watched the man kill the gladiators and watched the senate kill caesar and watched the woman kill herself. martha went home and newman bekka and i kept saying we should leave and get out of the masson familys hair but we stayed until maybe 1030. i got home fully ready to be up into the wee hours doing homework but i just didnt. i was supposed to read kite runner and do two history homeworks and three precal homeworks but i didnt do any of those things. i went to sleep in a heap but it was a very good day.

proof that im a copy cat

eileen "missed" class on monday because of history.
i "missed" class on tuesday because of history.

eileen got a macbook.
i am getting a macbook.

eileen made a tent.
i made a tent.

sorry buddy. ill try to develop some original thought : )

(that smiley seems really out of place, but im gonna leave it. )